Top 200 Chelsea Handler Quotes (2026 Update)
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151. “Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, “You’ve offended so many people at this point. Don’t try to keep track now, girl.”

— Chelsea Handler

152. “You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn’t take them long to impregnate women.”

— Chelsea Handler

153. “The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he’s still alive.”

— Chelsea Handler

154. “Older dogs are special because they have had more rejection. Their hope is gone and, even though no one seems to know exactly how old any rescue dog is, when you adopt an older dog you are cramming their last years with love and giving them the security that comes with knowing they have a home.”

— Chelsea Handler

155. “In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs.”

— Chelsea Handler

156. “I love a stupid joke, something that doesn’t make any sense.”

— Chelsea Handler

157. “My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about – what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.”

— Chelsea Handler

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158. “Everything with me had always been black and white. Life or death. I wanted more gray. I wanted to learn how to forgive.”

— Chelsea Handler

159. “So you’re a comedian,” he said. “Tell me something funny.” “Okay. The great thing about being an alcoholic is that when you’re bored at a party, you can leave without saying good-bye, and people just think you blacked out.” “Are you an alcoholic?” he asked me. “That’s not really the point,” I responded. “And I don’t like the word ‘alcoholic.’ I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.”

— Chelsea Handler

160. “When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I’ve started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it’s very motivating to continue to do it.”

— Chelsea Handler

161. “I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me – at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.”

— Chelsea Handler

162. “Travel Etiquette: When dealing with foreigners, pretend you are Canadian.”

— Chelsea Handler

163. “Relationships without hiccups were too boring, so inevitably they had to end. Don’t get comfortable. Uncomfortable and not knowing had become my comfort zone. I was always looking for an ultimatum – a way to test someone’s commitment, to prove they would disappoint me, and if they didn’t do anything wrong, I would find a way to prove they were disappointing before they even had a chance to be.”

— Chelsea Handler

164. “To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer – no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be – and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’”

— Chelsea Handler

165. “If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you’re in the right, you’re in the wrong.”

— Chelsea Handler

166. “ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.”

— Chelsea Handler

167. “Having a baby, it’s like a five year commitment.”

— Chelsea Handler

168. “There’s nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you’re not eating.”

— Chelsea Handler

169. “The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama’s always around me.”

— Chelsea Handler

170. “I’m actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I’m in the Special Olympics or something.”

— Chelsea Handler

171. “I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.”

— Chelsea Handler

172. “We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing – a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin – no thank you. My family’s very close; I can do that at home.”

— Chelsea Handler

173. “I’ve always been exactly who I am on TV. I’m not playing a role.”

— Chelsea Handler

174. “No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.”

— Chelsea Handler

175. “People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I’m a heavy drinker. I don’t want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.”

— Chelsea Handler

176. “Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.”

— Chelsea Handler

177. “She had Nick Lachey’s body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.”

— Chelsea Handler

178. “I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.”

— Chelsea Handler

179. “Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term “camel balls.”

— Chelsea Handler

180. “It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there’s a Mexican.”

— Chelsea Handler

181. “Ivory’s the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it’s because it makes me look ’more together.”

— Chelsea Handler

182. “I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.”

— Chelsea Handler

183. “Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.”

— Chelsea Handler

184. “He told me that people whose default is fear tend to second-guess everything they do. They tend to be indecisive, and many end up leading very safe lives. They are not interested in risk or adventure –.”

— Chelsea Handler

185. “Choose the guy that’s going to make you a better girl.”

— Chelsea Handler

186. “It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone truly is a loyal friend, then they wouldn’t need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. Who talks about themselves like that? I have a lot of good friends and not one of them ever introduced themselves by saying, “I’m a very good friend.”

— Chelsea Handler

187. “Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It’s rewarding.”

— Chelsea Handler

188. “Time for some laughs with girlfriend Chelsea Handler and her adventures.”

— Chelsea Handler

189. “I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I’ve met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don’t know it yet. I do know, because I’m me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don’t want to have kids, and it’s not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.”

— Chelsea Handler

190. “He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O’Reilly Factor defending President’s Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.”

— Chelsea Handler

191. “My dad’s funeral was one of those instances when you’re reminded of what it means to show up for people. The tradition.”

— Chelsea Handler

192. “I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

— Chelsea Handler

193. “My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn’t the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you’d go up to her room to cuddle with her, she’d pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes.”

— Chelsea Handler

194. “Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It’s a good thing you’re so voluptuous.”

— Chelsea Handler

195. “Vulnerability in my mind was akin to carbohydrates: I wasn’t willing to go there unless it was alcohol-induced.”

— Chelsea Handler

196. “Treat yourself the way you treat the person you love most in the world. Get on your own team.”

— Chelsea Handler

197. “I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.”

— Chelsea Handler

198. “We agreed on the basic Brazilian – right after I downed a Vicodin. I don’t know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin. Finally, the Tuesday of my.”

— Chelsea Handler

199. “Who’s the president on the $100 bill? I don’t know. I don’t need to know because I don’t use cash. I only use travelers checks.”

— Chelsea Handler

200. “He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It’s my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they’re making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don’t know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”

— Chelsea Handler