Top 200 Chelsea Handler Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.”

— Chelsea Handler

152. “Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it’s all you can do to take a breath? It’s a pain you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn’t want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It’s the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you’ve fallen in love. It’s not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I’ve come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.”

— Chelsea Handler

153. “Travel Etiquette: When dealing with foreigners, pretend you are Canadian.”

— Chelsea Handler

154. “In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs.”

— Chelsea Handler

155. “Everything with me had always been black and white. Life or death. I wanted more gray. I wanted to learn how to forgive.”

— Chelsea Handler

156. “So you’re a comedian,” he said. “Tell me something funny.” “Okay. The great thing about being an alcoholic is that when you’re bored at a party, you can leave without saying good-bye, and people just think you blacked out.” “Are you an alcoholic?” he asked me. “That’s not really the point,” I responded. “And I don’t like the word ‘alcoholic.’ I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.”

— Chelsea Handler

157. “I love a stupid joke, something that doesn’t make any sense.”

— Chelsea Handler

158. “Relationships without hiccups were too boring, so inevitably they had to end. Don’t get comfortable. Uncomfortable and not knowing had become my comfort zone. I was always looking for an ultimatum – a way to test someone’s commitment, to prove they would disappoint me, and if they didn’t do anything wrong, I would find a way to prove they were disappointing before they even had a chance to be.”

— Chelsea Handler

159. “I think bullying of anybody, whether they’re gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.”

— Chelsea Handler

160. “To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer – no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be – and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’”

— Chelsea Handler

161. “I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me – at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.”

— Chelsea Handler

162. “When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I’ve started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it’s very motivating to continue to do it.”

— Chelsea Handler

163. “You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn’t take them long to impregnate women.”

— Chelsea Handler

164. “No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.”

— Chelsea Handler

165. “There’s nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you’re not eating.”

— Chelsea Handler

166. “The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama’s always around me.”

— Chelsea Handler

167. “I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.”

— Chelsea Handler

168. “She had Nick Lachey’s body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.”

— Chelsea Handler

169. “Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term “camel balls.”

— Chelsea Handler

170. “I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.”

— Chelsea Handler

171. “Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.”

— Chelsea Handler

172. “People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I’m a heavy drinker. I don’t want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.”

— Chelsea Handler

173. “ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.”

— Chelsea Handler

174. “If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you’re in the right, you’re in the wrong.”

— Chelsea Handler

175. “I’ve always been exactly who I am on TV. I’m not playing a role.”

— Chelsea Handler

176. “We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing – a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin – no thank you. My family’s very close; I can do that at home.”

— Chelsea Handler

177. “Ivory’s the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it’s because it makes me look ’more together.”

— Chelsea Handler

178. “He told me that people whose default is fear tend to second-guess everything they do. They tend to be indecisive, and many end up leading very safe lives. They are not interested in risk or adventure –.”

— Chelsea Handler

179. “It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there’s a Mexican.”

— Chelsea Handler

180. “It’s good that people don’t like you. That’s good. It means that you are doing something interesting.”

— Chelsea Handler

181. “I’m actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I’m in the Special Olympics or something.”

— Chelsea Handler

182. “Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.”

— Chelsea Handler

183. “I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.”

— Chelsea Handler

184. “Having a baby, it’s like a five year commitment.”

— Chelsea Handler

185. “Who’s the president on the $100 bill? I don’t know. I don’t need to know because I don’t use cash. I only use travelers checks.”

— Chelsea Handler

186. “I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.”

— Chelsea Handler

187. “My dad’s funeral was one of those instances when you’re reminded of what it means to show up for people. The tradition.”

— Chelsea Handler

188. “Vulnerability in my mind was akin to carbohydrates: I wasn’t willing to go there unless it was alcohol-induced.”

— Chelsea Handler

189. “Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It’s rewarding.”

— Chelsea Handler

190. “Choose the guy that’s going to make you a better girl.”

— Chelsea Handler

191. “It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone truly is a loyal friend, then they wouldn’t need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. Who talks about themselves like that? I have a lot of good friends and not one of them ever introduced themselves by saying, “I’m a very good friend.”

— Chelsea Handler

192. “We agreed on the basic Brazilian – right after I downed a Vicodin. I don’t know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin. Finally, the Tuesday of my.”

— Chelsea Handler

193. “My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn’t the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you’d go up to her room to cuddle with her, she’d pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes.”

— Chelsea Handler

194. “Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It’s a good thing you’re so voluptuous.”

— Chelsea Handler

195. “Time for some laughs with girlfriend Chelsea Handler and her adventures.”

— Chelsea Handler

196. “My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It’s like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage “If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours.” I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That’s just a chance you have to take.”

— Chelsea Handler

197. “A lot of amazing comedians that I’ve worked with just really follow their instincts and you can’t really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.”

— Chelsea Handler

198. “I’m into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.”

— Chelsea Handler

199. “He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It’s my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they’re making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don’t know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”

— Chelsea Handler

200. “I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I’ve met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don’t know it yet. I do know, because I’m me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don’t want to have kids, and it’s not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.”

— Chelsea Handler