Top 100

Top 200 Chelsea Handler Quotes (2023 Update)
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Chelsea Handler Quote: “I learned that adventure is never bad, but the alacrity with which you go through life has an impact on the wisdom that life has to offer you. That slowing down doesn’t mean you have to do less. It means you have to pay attention more and catch what the world is throwing at you. That every situation you put yourself in deserves your full attention, and that each of us has a responsibility to be more aware of ourselves and of others.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term “camel balls.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me – at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would’ve told him I was into cannibalism.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don’t have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it’s all you can do to take a breath? It’s a pain you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn’t want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It’s the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you’ve fallen in love. It’s not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I’ve come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I’m a heavy drinker. I don’t want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you’re in the right, you’re in the wrong.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama’s always around me.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “She had Nick Lachey’s body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I define me. No event or person does this. I define me. I decide who I am and how I’m going to behave, and I choose to be better. To look more carefully, to trudge deeper. To think about other people’s past and not judge someone for doing or handling something differently than I would. To understand my limitations, my shortcomings – that is my growth edge.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “So you’re a comedian,” he said. “Tell me something funny.” “Okay. The great thing about being an alcoholic is that when you’re bored at a party, you can leave without saying good-bye, and people just think you blacked out.” “Are you an alcoholic?” he asked me. “That’s not really the point,” I responded. “And I don’t like the word ‘alcoholic.’ I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I think bullying of anybody, whether they’re gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I love a stupid joke, something that doesn’t make any sense.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Relationships without hiccups were too boring, so inevitably they had to end. Don’t get comfortable. Uncomfortable and not knowing had become my comfort zone. I was always looking for an ultimatum – a way to test someone’s commitment, to prove they would disappoint me, and if they didn’t do anything wrong, I would find a way to prove they were disappointing before they even had a chance to be.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I’m actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I’m in the Special Olympics or something.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Having a baby, it’s like a five year commitment.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I’ve always been exactly who I am on TV. I’m not playing a role.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing – a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin – no thank you. My family’s very close; I can do that at home.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there’s a Mexican.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “It’s good that people don’t like you. That’s good. It means that you are doing something interesting.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “He told me that people whose default is fear tend to second-guess everything they do. They tend to be indecisive, and many end up leading very safe lives. They are not interested in risk or adventure –.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “There’s nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you’re not eating.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Travel Etiquette: When dealing with foreigners, pretend you are Canadian.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It’s rewarding.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Vulnerability in my mind was akin to carbohydrates: I wasn’t willing to go there unless it was alcohol-induced.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It’s a good thing you’re so voluptuous.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn’t the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you’d go up to her room to cuddle with her, she’d pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Ivory’s the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it’s because it makes me look ’more together.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Who’s the president on the $100 bill? I don’t know. I don’t need to know because I don’t use cash. I only use travelers checks.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “My dad’s funeral was one of those instances when you’re reminded of what it means to show up for people. The tradition.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I’m a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I’ve met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don’t know it yet. I do know, because I’m me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don’t want to have kids, and it’s not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Choose the guy that’s going to make you a better girl.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Your lack of geographical knowledge is truly astounding.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O’Reilly Factor defending President’s Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I didn’t become a comedian to work this hard.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “We agreed on the basic Brazilian – right after I downed a Vicodin. I don’t know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin. Finally, the Tuesday of my.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Time for some laughs with girlfriend Chelsea Handler and her adventures.”
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