Top 200 Chelsea Handler Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O’Reilly Factor defending President’s Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.”

— Chelsea Handler

202. “I didn’t become a comedian to work this hard.”

— Chelsea Handler

203. “Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.”

— Chelsea Handler

204. “Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.”

— Chelsea Handler

205. “My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It’s like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage “If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours.” I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That’s just a chance you have to take.”

— Chelsea Handler

206. “A lot of amazing comedians that I’ve worked with just really follow their instincts and you can’t really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.”

— Chelsea Handler

207. “I’m into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.”

— Chelsea Handler

208. “He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It’s my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they’re making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don’t know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”

— Chelsea Handler

209. “Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes.”

— Chelsea Handler

210. “In fact, we’d discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and hard, I realized it was not in my best interest to waste my first marriage on a gay man.”

— Chelsea Handler

211. “And last but not least, go for it. Go wherever you can afford to go with whomever you can get to go with you.”

— Chelsea Handler

212. “I’m loud and brash. Certain people find that off-putting. Most straight men find that off-putting. This isn’t hard for me to understand. Why is it hard for you to understand?”

— Chelsea Handler

213. “Why do people show up – if not out of decency, and tradition?”

— Chelsea Handler

214. “It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.”

— Chelsea Handler

215. “You get photographed together when there’s 25 people with you and people assume that you’re having sex, which is definitely not the case.”

— Chelsea Handler

216. “Without the laughter, we’d all be dying too.”

— Chelsea Handler

217. “I had to leave my parents to love them again. I had to move across the country to appreciate that I actually had any pull toward them – that I needed them. I had to get away from them in order to come back to them. I’d like to say they did the best they could, but that couldn’t have been their best. I wasn’t doing my best either, so the idea that everyone is always doing the best they can is a trope. Some people are just interested in surviving; doing their best doesn’t even occur to them.”

— Chelsea Handler

218. “Judging other people had become my way of avoiding judgment of myself, and I had to do better than that.”

— Chelsea Handler

219. “Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you’re a stand-up comedian so they’re always looking for somebody funny to host an event.”

— Chelsea Handler

220. “Why anyone needed to hold her breath above water was beyond me, but when I make things up, I rarely have a filter.”

— Chelsea Handler

221. “For the record, I would like to state that never in the history of humankind has a woman been told to calm down and then calmed down. We don’t like that.”

— Chelsea Handler

222. “If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.”

— Chelsea Handler

223. “Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. “Fun for who?” I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.”

— Chelsea Handler

224. “How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?”

— Chelsea Handler

225. “My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn’t the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living.”

— Chelsea Handler

226. “I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four.”

— Chelsea Handler

227. “Treat yourself the way you treat the person you love most in the world. Get on your own team.”

— Chelsea Handler

228. “I love your personality,” I said with wide eyes and an open smile. I had used this look before when a bank teller at Wells Fargo had threatened to put a ten-day hold on a check from my father because my average balance was $3.56.”

— Chelsea Handler

229. “Awesome,” I told him. “I felt defensive at first, like I hadn’t done anything worth apologizing for, but I recognized that it wasn’t about my intention; it was about how my action was received. That my action was unwelcome. I get that now, and it didn’t take long for it to click this time.”

— Chelsea Handler

230. “I read somewhere that in order to be of use to others, you need to clean out your own injuries.”

— Chelsea Handler

231. “Obviously, there are other factors, such as nature and nurture, along with all of the events that happen throughout your early childhood and throughout your life that will shape who you become as a person,” he said. “But that anger, sadness, or fear will remain deep in your subconscious, and will dictate how you react to things in your life that don’t go as planned.”

— Chelsea Handler

232. “I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.”

— Chelsea Handler

233. “Cocktails should be cold. Cubes. Plural. Not the rapper.”

— Chelsea Handler

234. “There’s nothing worse than ruining a perfectly good moment by thinking someone else will find humor in something they absolutely do not.”

— Chelsea Handler

235. “That’s what death is like, though. You can’t only cry for two weeks straight. You cry, and then you get tired of crying, and then someone says something, and then you’re all laughing, and it feels bad to be laughing, but it also feels so good. Without the laughter, we’d all be dying too.”

— Chelsea Handler

236. “Real generosity is also showing up when you don’t feel like it – sacrificing your own happiness in exchange for someone else’s.”

— Chelsea Handler

237. “Go after happiness like it is the only thing you can take with you when you die.”

— Chelsea Handler