Top 100

Top 200 Chelsea Handler Quotes (2023 Update)
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Chelsea Handler Quote: “Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “A lot of amazing comedians that I’ve worked with just really follow their instincts and you can’t really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I’m into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “In fact, we’d discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and hard, I realized it was not in my best interest to waste my first marriage on a gay man.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “And last but not least, go for it. Go wherever you can afford to go with whomever you can get to go with you.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone truly is a loyal friend, then they wouldn’t need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. Who talks about themselves like that? I have a lot of good friends and not one of them ever introduced themselves by saying, “I’m a very good friend.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I’m loud and brash. Certain people find that off-putting. Most straight men find that off-putting. This isn’t hard for me to understand. Why is it hard for you to understand?”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It’s like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage “If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours.” I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That’s just a chance you have to take.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It’s my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they’re making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don’t know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Why do people show up – if not out of decency, and tradition?”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Without the laughter, we’d all be dying too.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Judging other people had become my way of avoiding judgment of myself, and I had to do better than that.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you’re a stand-up comedian so they’re always looking for somebody funny to host an event.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Why anyone needed to hold her breath above water was beyond me, but when I make things up, I rarely have a filter.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “You get photographed together when there’s 25 people with you and people assume that you’re having sex, which is definitely not the case.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. “Fun for who?” I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I had to leave my parents to love them again. I had to move across the country to appreciate that I actually had any pull toward them – that I needed them. I had to get away from them in order to come back to them. I’d like to say they did the best they could, but that couldn’t have been their best. I wasn’t doing my best either, so the idea that everyone is always doing the best they can is a trope. Some people are just interested in surviving; doing their best doesn’t even occur to them.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn’t the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I love your personality,” I said with wide eyes and an open smile. I had used this look before when a bank teller at Wells Fargo had threatened to put a ten-day hold on a check from my father because my average balance was $3.56.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Awesome,” I told him. “I felt defensive at first, like I hadn’t done anything worth apologizing for, but I recognized that it wasn’t about my intention; it was about how my action was received. That my action was unwelcome. I get that now, and it didn’t take long for it to click this time.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I read somewhere that in order to be of use to others, you need to clean out your own injuries.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Obviously, there are other factors, such as nature and nurture, along with all of the events that happen throughout your early childhood and throughout your life that will shape who you become as a person,” he said. “But that anger, sadness, or fear will remain deep in your subconscious, and will dictate how you react to things in your life that don’t go as planned.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “For the record, I would like to state that never in the history of humankind has a woman been told to calm down and then calmed down. We don’t like that.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Cocktails should be cold. Cubes. Plural. Not the rapper.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Treat yourself the way you treat the person you love most in the world. Get on your own team.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “There’s nothing worse than ruining a perfectly good moment by thinking someone else will find humor in something they absolutely do not.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “That’s what death is like, though. You can’t only cry for two weeks straight. You cry, and then you get tired of crying, and then someone says something, and then you’re all laughing, and it feels bad to be laughing, but it also feels so good. Without the laughter, we’d all be dying too.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Real generosity is also showing up when you don’t feel like it – sacrificing your own happiness in exchange for someone else’s.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Go after happiness like it is the only thing you can take with you when you die.”
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