Top 200 Dana Gould Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?”

— Dana Gould

52. “Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?”

— Dana Gould

53. “The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.”

— Dana Gould

54. “Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.”

— Dana Gould

55. “If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.”

— Dana Gould

56. “Cowboy boots with a suit? You’re a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You’re in the rough, tough man business.”

— Dana Gould

57. “Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.”

— Dana Gould

58. “Life imitates art but art intimidates life.”

— Dana Gould

59. “If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?”

— Dana Gould

60. “The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it’s so full of dreams. Actually, it’s because his skull was shaped like a turkey.”

— Dana Gould

61. “Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?”

— Dana Gould

62. “My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they’re stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.”

— Dana Gould

63. “Having kids means there’s always someone around to blame your fart on.”

— Dana Gould

64. “I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!”

— Dana Gould

65. “Because of Bluetooth headsets, it’s getting more and more difficult to tell who’s schizophrenic and who’s on a conference call.”

— Dana Gould

66. “Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there’s anxiety.”

— Dana Gould

67. “If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.”

— Dana Gould

68. “If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I’d paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.”

— Dana Gould

69. “Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don’t have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.”

— Dana Gould

70. “As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That’s all I want to see.”

— Dana Gould

71. “No one has ever thought this: Now that I’m out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.”

— Dana Gould

72. “Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.”

— Dana Gould

73. “That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.”

— Dana Gould

74. “I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.”

— Dana Gould

75. “When homeless people go camping, how do they know?”

— Dana Gould

76. “I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I’ve gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.”

— Dana Gould

77. “What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.”

— Dana Gould

78. “I’ll never be alone, because I’ll always have My Problems with me!”

— Dana Gould

79. “Corn is the only food you hold like corn.”

— Dana Gould

80. “Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent’s poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren’t you a scary health care reform bill!”

— Dana Gould

81. “I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.”

— Dana Gould

82. “As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.”

— Dana Gould

83. “My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.”

— Dana Gould

84. “Competition is the death of art.”

— Dana Gould

85. “Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?”

— Dana Gould

86. “What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?”

— Dana Gould

87. “Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children’s beauty pageant.”

— Dana Gould

88. “My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.”

— Dana Gould

89. “Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.”

— Dana Gould

90. “Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it’s an ixnay on the oggy style-day.”

— Dana Gould

91. “You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.”

— Dana Gould

92. “Every time I fold the baby’s clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.”

— Dana Gould

93. “Want to be happy? Don’t live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.”

— Dana Gould

94. “Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.”

— Dana Gould

95. “Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!”

— Dana Gould

96. “59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.”

— Dana Gould

97. “I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it’s too late.”

— Dana Gould

98. “My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.”

— Dana Gould

99. “If I’m alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It’s the little things that keep us civilised...”

— Dana Gould

100. “Cupcakes – when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.”

— Dana Gould