Top 200 Dana Gould Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won’t say anything, and then, later, I’ll die of cancer.”

— Dana Gould

52. “I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.”

— Dana Gould

53. “Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.”

— Dana Gould

54. “A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it’s Eleanor Rigby.”

— Dana Gould

55. “Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?”

— Dana Gould

56. “Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?”

— Dana Gould

57. “The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.”

— Dana Gould

58. “Cowboy boots with a suit? You’re a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You’re in the rough, tough man business.”

— Dana Gould

59. “If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.”

— Dana Gould

60. “Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.”

— Dana Gould

61. “Life imitates art but art intimidates life.”

— Dana Gould

62. “I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.”

— Dana Gould

63. “The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it’s so full of dreams. Actually, it’s because his skull was shaped like a turkey.”

— Dana Gould

64. “Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there’s anxiety.”

— Dana Gould

65. “I’ll never be alone, because I’ll always have My Problems with me!”

— Dana Gould

66. “My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they’re stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.”

— Dana Gould

67. “If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?”

— Dana Gould

68. “Having kids means there’s always someone around to blame your fart on.”

— Dana Gould

69. “I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!”

— Dana Gould

70. “Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?”

— Dana Gould

71. “If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I’d paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.”

— Dana Gould

72. “Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don’t have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.”

— Dana Gould

73. “No one has ever thought this: Now that I’m out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.”

— Dana Gould

74. “Because of Bluetooth headsets, it’s getting more and more difficult to tell who’s schizophrenic and who’s on a conference call.”

— Dana Gould

75. “If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.”

— Dana Gould

76. “Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.”

— Dana Gould

77. “That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.”

— Dana Gould

78. “When homeless people go camping, how do they know?”

— Dana Gould

79. “I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I’ve gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.”

— Dana Gould

80. “What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.”

— Dana Gould

81. “As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That’s all I want to see.”

— Dana Gould

82. “Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.”

— Dana Gould

83. “Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent’s poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren’t you a scary health care reform bill!”

— Dana Gould

84. “Competition is the death of art.”

— Dana Gould

85. “Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?”

— Dana Gould

86. “Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.”

— Dana Gould

87. “I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.”

— Dana Gould

88. “As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.”

— Dana Gould

89. “My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.”

— Dana Gould

90. “The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I’ve decided to wait for the circus to come.”

— Dana Gould

91. “Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.”

— Dana Gould

92. “What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?”

— Dana Gould

93. “Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!”

— Dana Gould

94. “Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children’s beauty pageant.”

— Dana Gould

95. “My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.”

— Dana Gould

96. “Why do I always meet women as I’m leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it’s always on the day I forgot my dog...”

— Dana Gould

97. “There’s something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.”

— Dana Gould

98. “Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it’s an ixnay on the oggy style-day.”

— Dana Gould

99. “I’m going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.”

— Dana Gould

100. “You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.”

— Dana Gould