Top 200 Dana Gould Quotes (2026 Update)
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101. “I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.”

— Dana Gould

102. “Why do I always meet women as I’m leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it’s always on the day I forgot my dog...”

— Dana Gould

103. “I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it’s too late.”

— Dana Gould

104. “A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.”

— Dana Gould

105. “Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they’re being followed.”

— Dana Gould

106. “One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.”

— Dana Gould

107. “Want to be happy? Don’t live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.”

— Dana Gould

108. “Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children’s beauty pageant.”

— Dana Gould

109. “My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.”

— Dana Gould

110. “When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they’re going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.”

— Dana Gould

111. “It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.”

— Dana Gould

112. “59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.”

— Dana Gould

113. “A big blizzard proves there’s no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there’s no such thing as cows.”

— Dana Gould

114. “As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can’t believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.”

— Dana Gould

115. “One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping...”

— Dana Gould

116. “If there’s one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it’s suddenly remembering the reason.”

— Dana Gould

117. “The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.”

— Dana Gould

118. “Cupcakes – when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.”

— Dana Gould

119. “There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.”

— Dana Gould

120. “Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.”

— Dana Gould

121. “If I’m alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It’s the little things that keep us civilised...”

— Dana Gould

122. “There’s nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you’re having a nightmare.”

— Dana Gould

123. “Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you’re looking for a knife.”

— Dana Gould

124. “My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.”

— Dana Gould

125. “Being funny is not the same as being happy.”

— Dana Gould

126. “It’s been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?”

— Dana Gould

127. “They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you’ve never been to the Spearmint Rhino.”

— Dana Gould

128. “If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.”

— Dana Gould

129. “In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.”

— Dana Gould

130. “When you break life down, it’s about 100% time management.”

— Dana Gould

131. “What’s a farmer’s market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.”

— Dana Gould

132. “There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.”

— Dana Gould

133. “Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?”

— Dana Gould

134. “Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.”

— Dana Gould

135. “Here’s something you never hear: Now that I’ve worked through all my emotional issues, I’m free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!”

— Dana Gould

136. “Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.”

— Dana Gould

137. “As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...”

— Dana Gould

138. “There’s a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.”

— Dana Gould

139. “The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.”

— Dana Gould

140. “To me 30 isn’t old. But it’s definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You’ll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That’s was an oldie from The Clash.”

— Dana Gould

141. “I don’t want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.”

— Dana Gould

142. “I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.”

— Dana Gould

143. “If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.”

— Dana Gould

144. “Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can’t find their phone.”

— Dana Gould

145. “Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.”

— Dana Gould

146. “Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.”

— Dana Gould

147. “In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.”

— Dana Gould

148. “The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who’s out jogging and who’s running away from a mugger.”

— Dana Gould

149. “A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it’s nice to bump into some genital pals.”

— Dana Gould

150. “When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.”

— Dana Gould