Top 200 Dana Gould Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “Every time I fold the baby’s clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.”

— Dana Gould

102. “Want to be happy? Don’t live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.”

— Dana Gould

103. “I would think, if you were horny enough, there’d come a time when it was hos before bros.”

— Dana Gould

104. “59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.”

— Dana Gould

105. “I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it’s too late.”

— Dana Gould

106. “My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.”

— Dana Gould

107. “If I’m alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It’s the little things that keep us civilised...”

— Dana Gould

108. “It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.”

— Dana Gould

109. “Cupcakes – when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.”

— Dana Gould

110. “One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping...”

— Dana Gould

111. “Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they’re being followed.”

— Dana Gould

112. “The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.”

— Dana Gould

113. “When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they’re going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.”

— Dana Gould

114. “As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can’t believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.”

— Dana Gould

115. “Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.”

— Dana Gould

116. “One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.”

— Dana Gould

117. “Please don’t let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.”

— Dana Gould

118. “It’s been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?”

— Dana Gould

119. “As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...”

— Dana Gould

120. “There’s a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.”

— Dana Gould

121. “To me 30 isn’t old. But it’s definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You’ll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That’s was an oldie from The Clash.”

— Dana Gould

122. “I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.”

— Dana Gould

123. “A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.”

— Dana Gould

124. “There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.”

— Dana Gould

125. “There’s nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you’re having a nightmare.”

— Dana Gould

126. “Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.”

— Dana Gould

127. “What’s a farmer’s market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.”

— Dana Gould

128. “If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.”

— Dana Gould

129. “In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.”

— Dana Gould

130. “Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.”

— Dana Gould

131. “Here’s something you never hear: Now that I’ve worked through all my emotional issues, I’m free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!”

— Dana Gould

132. “If there’s one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it’s suddenly remembering the reason.”

— Dana Gould

133. “A big blizzard proves there’s no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there’s no such thing as cows.”

— Dana Gould

134. “I can’t wait for the day I learn to live in the now!”

— Dana Gould

135. “There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.”

— Dana Gould

136. “A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it’s nice to bump into some genital pals.”

— Dana Gould

137. “Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can’t find their phone.”

— Dana Gould

138. “When you break life down, it’s about 100% time management.”

— Dana Gould

139. “If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.”

— Dana Gould

140. “Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.”

— Dana Gould

141. “Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?”

— Dana Gould

142. “I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.”

— Dana Gould

143. “The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.”

— Dana Gould

144. “Being funny is not the same as being happy.”

— Dana Gould

145. “When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.”

— Dana Gould

146. “Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you’re looking for a knife.”

— Dana Gould

147. “In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.”

— Dana Gould

148. “It’s gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!”

— Dana Gould

149. “The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who’s out jogging and who’s running away from a mugger.”

— Dana Gould

150. “I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.”

— Dana Gould