Top 200 Dana Gould Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.”

— Dana Gould

152. “Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.”

— Dana Gould

153. “If my dog wants to know why I didn’t feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I’m telling him a joke.”

— Dana Gould

154. “Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There’s a little voice in my head that says no.”

— Dana Gould

155. “I’ve grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.”

— Dana Gould

156. “I’m no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.”

— Dana Gould

157. “Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.”

— Dana Gould

158. “If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.”

— Dana Gould

159. “Republicans don’t believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.”

— Dana Gould

160. “I’m only afraid of dying if I’m to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there’s no God or reckoning, I’m like, whew!”

— Dana Gould

161. “Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.”

— Dana Gould

162. “Approached literally, there’s but a hair’s difference between You’d better not pout, you’d better not cry, and Don’t scream.”

— Dana Gould

163. “Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?”

— Dana Gould

164. “Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.”

— Dana Gould

165. “Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.”

— Dana Gould

166. “They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you’ve never been to the Spearmint Rhino.”

— Dana Gould

167. “Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.”

— Dana Gould

168. “A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it’s income from a giant mouse.”

— Dana Gould

169. “One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I’m fake, right?”

— Dana Gould

170. “I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.”

— Dana Gould

171. “I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn’t afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.”

— Dana Gould

172. “Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?”

— Dana Gould

173. “Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.”

— Dana Gould

174. “A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.”

— Dana Gould

175. “If you want to see what I’ll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.”

— Dana Gould

176. “Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.”

— Dana Gould

177. “If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.”

— Dana Gould

178. “I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.”

— Dana Gould

179. “How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?”

— Dana Gould

180. “Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?”

— Dana Gould

181. “The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.”

— Dana Gould

182. “I know that big, important things don’t just come together overnight, but I’ve been me for a long time now and it’s still not working.”

— Dana Gould

183. “If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you’ll usually learn a lot about the author.”

— Dana Gould

184. “In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.”

— Dana Gould

185. “Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?”

— Dana Gould

186. “I don’t want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad’s ball’s fault.”

— Dana Gould

187. “If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they’re a douchebag.”

— Dana Gould

188. “I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point’s wife and think, that poor woman.”

— Dana Gould

189. “If you’re selling something on Craiglist, it’s never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.”

— Dana Gould

190. “My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.”

— Dana Gould

191. “The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it’s the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.”

— Dana Gould

192. “We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone’s eyes.”

— Dana Gould

193. “Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.”

— Dana Gould

194. “The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.”

— Dana Gould

195. “There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.”

— Dana Gould

196. “Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that’s how I look reflected in the pond!”

— Dana Gould

197. “My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.”

— Dana Gould

198. “If you don’t believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?”

— Dana Gould

199. “How come, when people wear half shirts, it’s always the top half?”

— Dana Gould

200. “Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...”

— Dana Gould