Top 200 Dana Gould Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he’s on the toilet.”

— Dana Gould

2. “Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.”

— Dana Gould

3. “Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.”

— Dana Gould

4. “We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn’t have to stop there.”

— Dana Gould

5. “My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I’m just a guy and instead of making meth I don’t do much.”

— Dana Gould

6. “Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.”

— Dana Gould

7. “I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.”

— Dana Gould

8. “Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.”

— Dana Gould

9. “They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward...”

— Dana Gould

10. “We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror – and it doesn’t have to stop there if you know how to live right.”

— Dana Gould

11. “Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.”

— Dana Gould

12. “Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.”

— Dana Gould

13. “If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he’d be a lot like my brother.”

— Dana Gould

14. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you’re right.”

— Dana Gould

15. “Every time the circus comes to town, I can’t help thinking, Somewhere out there, there’s clown semen.”

— Dana Gould

16. “A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I’m just being petty and cruel.”

— Dana Gould

17. “Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It’s like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.”

— Dana Gould

18. “Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.”

— Dana Gould

19. “Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.”

— Dana Gould

20. “I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.”

— Dana Gould

21. “Do you know what Irish Alzheimer’s is? It’s when you forget everything but your grudges.”

— Dana Gould

22. “I don’t like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he’s probably killed three or four children.”

— Dana Gould

23. “I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.”

— Dana Gould

24. “I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I’m going to die hoping to meet someone.”

— Dana Gould

25. “Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don’t turn against all pedophiles.”

— Dana Gould

26. “Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.”

— Dana Gould

27. “The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.”

— Dana Gould

28. “If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.”

— Dana Gould

29. “Why do old people drive with their mouths open?”

— Dana Gould

30. “I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.”

— Dana Gould

31. “I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.”

— Dana Gould

32. “I’ve never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.”

— Dana Gould

33. “The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

— Dana Gould

34. “Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.”

— Dana Gould

35. “I don’t mind being alone when I’m surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I’m alone.”

— Dana Gould

36. “Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.”

— Dana Gould

37. “I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.”

— Dana Gould

38. “The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.”

— Dana Gould

39. “To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It’s just so cold up there with my pants down.”

— Dana Gould

40. “One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.”

— Dana Gould

41. “The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn’t say bad.”

— Dana Gould

42. “What men say: I’m sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I’d love a Chipwich. I should go get one.”

— Dana Gould

43. “I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.”

— Dana Gould

44. “I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That’s me, always the bridesmaid...”

— Dana Gould

45. “When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I’ll have told you a long time ago.”

— Dana Gould

46. “My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won’t say anything, and then, later, I’ll die of cancer.”

— Dana Gould

47. “Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin’.”

— Dana Gould

48. “A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it’s Eleanor Rigby.”

— Dana Gould

49. “I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.”

— Dana Gould

50. “Let’s all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we’ll all say we were kidding.”

— Dana Gould