Top 280 Joan Rivers Quotes (2026 Update)
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51. “The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.”

— Joan Rivers

52. “I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”

— Joan Rivers

53. “I don’t mind aging, I just don’t want to be a day older.”

— Joan Rivers

54. “Now, I’m not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played “Here Comes the Bride”...”

— Joan Rivers

55. “I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.”

— Joan Rivers

56. “The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.”

— Joan Rivers

57. “Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.”

— Joan Rivers

58. “In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.”

— Joan Rivers

59. “I am a dyke! And I’m damn proud of it!”

— Joan Rivers

60. “I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.”

— Joan Rivers

61. “You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.”

— Joan Rivers

62. “If you don’t think you’re funny, no one else will.”

— Joan Rivers

63. “I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck.”

— Joan Rivers

64. “Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.”

— Joan Rivers

65. “Welcome to my world! I’ve been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I’m the luckiest woman on the planet.”

— Joan Rivers

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66. “You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.”

— Joan Rivers

67. “Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.”

— Joan Rivers

68. “Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.”

— Joan Rivers

69. “Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.”

— Joan Rivers

70. “My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”

— Joan Rivers

71. “Last night I asked my husband, ‘What’s your favorite sexual position?’ and he said, ‘Next door.’”

— Joan Rivers

72. “It’s obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it – diamonds are a girl’s best friend; man’s best friend is a dog.”

— Joan Rivers

73. “I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’”

— Joan Rivers

74. “Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we’re going down the tube.”

— Joan Rivers

75. “A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.”

— Joan Rivers

76. “I’m so fat and I’m so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself – but the rope broke.”

— Joan Rivers

77. “I hate Arizona. It always eight hundred degrees outside and everybody’s always saying, “But it’s a dry heat!” So’s the inside of my microwave.”

— Joan Rivers

78. “My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.”

— Joan Rivers

79. “I said to my husband, ‘my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs.’ He said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’”

— Joan Rivers

80. “My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.”

— Joan Rivers

81. “My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.”

— Joan Rivers

82. “I hate weddings. Weddings are nothing more than catering with virgins. Sorry, in the old days it was virgins; now it’s baby mommas.”

— Joan Rivers

83. “The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.”

— Joan Rivers

84. “There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn’t been paying attention.”

— Joan Rivers

85. “On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.”

— Joan Rivers

86. “Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.”

— Joan Rivers

87. “A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.”

— Joan Rivers

88. “Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.”

— Joan Rivers

89. “Age – it’s the one mountain you can’t overcome.”

— Joan Rivers

90. “I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.”

— Joan Rivers

91. “My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.”

— Joan Rivers

92. “I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘Marry him. You’ll double your wardrobe.’”

— Joan Rivers

93. “She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”

— Joan Rivers

94. “Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.”

— Joan Rivers

95. “With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.”

— Joan Rivers

96. “I’m a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we’re making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.”

— Joan Rivers

97. “I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”

— Joan Rivers

98. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

— Joan Rivers

99. “I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’”

— Joan Rivers

100. “I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”

— Joan Rivers