Top 280 Joan Rivers Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.”

— Joan Rivers

52. “Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.”

— Joan Rivers

53. “At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!”

— Joan Rivers

54. “Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.”

— Joan Rivers

55. “I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘Marry him. You’ll double your wardrobe.’”

— Joan Rivers

56. “I don’t mind aging, I just don’t want to be a day older.”

— Joan Rivers

57. “The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.”

— Joan Rivers

58. “I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”

— Joan Rivers

59. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”

— Joan Rivers

60. “Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.”

— Joan Rivers

61. “I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.”

— Joan Rivers

62. “In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.”

— Joan Rivers

63. “I am furious about everything.”

— Joan Rivers

64. “You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.”

— Joan Rivers

65. “Happiness, at my age, is breathing.”

— Joan Rivers

66. “If you don’t think you’re funny, no one else will.”

— Joan Rivers

67. “I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck.”

— Joan Rivers

68. “You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.”

— Joan Rivers

69. “I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked.”

— Joan Rivers

70. “Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.”

— Joan Rivers

71. “I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they’d also instinctively know how to decorate them.”

— Joan Rivers

72. “Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.”

— Joan Rivers

73. “Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?”

— Joan Rivers

74. “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”

— Joan Rivers

75. “Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.”

— Joan Rivers

76. “My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”

— Joan Rivers

77. “I can’t wear yellow anymore. It’s too matchy-matchy with my catheter.”

— Joan Rivers

78. “Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.”

— Joan Rivers

79. “I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.”

— Joan Rivers

80. “I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.”

— Joan Rivers

81. “My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.”

— Joan Rivers

82. “Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we’re going down the tube.”

— Joan Rivers

83. “Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.”

— Joan Rivers

84. “I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.”

— Joan Rivers

85. “I’m so fat and I’m so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself – but the rope broke.”

— Joan Rivers

86. “Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.”

— Joan Rivers

87. “It’s obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it – diamonds are a girl’s best friend; man’s best friend is a dog.”

— Joan Rivers

88. “She’s so hairy – when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.”

— Joan Rivers

89. “My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.”

— Joan Rivers

90. “My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!”

— Joan Rivers

91. “I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband’s side of the bed is when he’s having an asthma attack.”

— Joan Rivers

92. “I said to my husband, ‘my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs.’ He said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’”

— Joan Rivers

93. “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

— Joan Rivers

94. “On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.”

— Joan Rivers

95. “There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn’t been paying attention.”

— Joan Rivers

96. “I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: “Last Girl Before Freeway.””

— Joan Rivers

97. “People are arguing whether Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn’t, it doesn’t matter, because I’ve been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they’re screwing him out of his profits.”

— Joan Rivers

98. “I hate thin people; ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’”

— Joan Rivers

99. “My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.”

— Joan Rivers

100. “Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.”

— Joan Rivers