Top 280 Joan Rivers Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.”

— Joan Rivers

52. “You’re college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It’s not who you know, it’s whom.”

— Joan Rivers

53. “At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!”

— Joan Rivers

54. “My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.”

— Joan Rivers

55. “Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.”

— Joan Rivers

56. “Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.”

— Joan Rivers

57. “I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘Marry him. You’ll double your wardrobe.’”

— Joan Rivers

58. “I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”

— Joan Rivers

59. “The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.”

— Joan Rivers

60. “I don’t mind aging, I just don’t want to be a day older.”

— Joan Rivers

61. “Now, I’m not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played “Here Comes the Bride”...”

— Joan Rivers

62. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”

— Joan Rivers

63. “I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.”

— Joan Rivers

64. “The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.”

— Joan Rivers

65. “Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.”

— Joan Rivers

66. “I am a dyke! And I’m damn proud of it!”

— Joan Rivers

67. “In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.”

— Joan Rivers

68. “I am furious about everything.”

— Joan Rivers

69. “I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.”

— Joan Rivers

70. “You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.”

— Joan Rivers

71. “I hate McDonald’s. I don’t want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown’s mouth. If I want my face in a clown’s mouth, I’ll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.”

— Joan Rivers

72. “I think Hillary Clinton’s style is perfect. Perfect. You don’t notice what she’s wearing, you notice the woman.”

— Joan Rivers

73. “I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.”

— Joan Rivers

74. “Happiness, at my age, is breathing.”

— Joan Rivers

75. “If you don’t think you’re funny, no one else will.”

— Joan Rivers

76. “I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck.”

— Joan Rivers

77. “I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked.”

— Joan Rivers

78. “You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.”

— Joan Rivers

79. “Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.”

— Joan Rivers

80. “I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they’d also instinctively know how to decorate them.”

— Joan Rivers

81. “Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?”

— Joan Rivers

82. “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”

— Joan Rivers

83. “Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.”

— Joan Rivers

84. “My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”

— Joan Rivers

85. “I can’t wear yellow anymore. It’s too matchy-matchy with my catheter.”

— Joan Rivers

86. “I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.”

— Joan Rivers

87. “Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we’re going down the tube.”

— Joan Rivers

88. “I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.”

— Joan Rivers

89. “My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.”

— Joan Rivers

90. “Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.”

— Joan Rivers

91. “I’m so fat and I’m so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself – but the rope broke.”

— Joan Rivers

92. “I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.”

— Joan Rivers

93. “It’s obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it – diamonds are a girl’s best friend; man’s best friend is a dog.”

— Joan Rivers

94. “My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.”

— Joan Rivers

95. “Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.”

— Joan Rivers

96. “She’s so hairy – when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.”

— Joan Rivers

97. “I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband’s side of the bed is when he’s having an asthma attack.”

— Joan Rivers

98. “I said to my husband, ‘my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs.’ He said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’”

— Joan Rivers

99. “My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!”

— Joan Rivers

100. “It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up.”

— Joan Rivers