Top 280 Joan Rivers Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “God always comes up with a third act twist – and we won’t know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.”

— Joan Rivers

202. “My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.”

— Joan Rivers

203. “I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.”

— Joan Rivers

204. “The thing is, I’m happiest when I’m on stage.”

— Joan Rivers

205. “After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.”

— Joan Rivers

206. “A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.”

— Joan Rivers

207. “Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.”

— Joan Rivers

208. “A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.”

— Joan Rivers

209. “That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.”

— Joan Rivers

210. “Does fashion matter? Always – though not quite as much after death.”

— Joan Rivers

211. “I think it’s time they knew the truth about Beethoven.”

— Joan Rivers

212. “I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny. And when you’re very, very happy, you’re not very funny. You’re just happy. I’d rather be damaged and funny.”

— Joan Rivers

213. “I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write: “You are here”. I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.”

— Joan Rivers

214. “Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.”

— Joan Rivers

215. “Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It’s the way humans work.”

— Joan Rivers

216. “Never admit that your back goes out more than you do.”

— Joan Rivers

217. “I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door – or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.”

— Joan Rivers

218. “I’ve learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you’re working with, when the chips are down, it’s all about business.”

— Joan Rivers

219. “I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”

— Joan Rivers

220. “I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it’s like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.”

— Joan Rivers

221. “The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.”

— Joan Rivers

222. “There’s always an adjective before my name, and it’s never a nice one.”

— Joan Rivers

223. “Mel Gibson’s father doesn’t think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don’t think there’s a movie. We’re even.”

— Joan Rivers

224. “I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself; that should be a secret they must find out .”

— Joan Rivers

225. “I don’t think there’d be a Tina Fey now if I hadn’t tried to look good in the beginning.”

— Joan Rivers

226. “Liked” was the kiss of death. “Loved” or “hated” interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.”

— Joan Rivers

227. “Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children’s books. First up: ‘Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.’”

— Joan Rivers

228. “Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That’s all anyone wants: to have their parents see they’re going to be all right in life.”

— Joan Rivers

229. “I always like a charity with people who don’t speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.”

— Joan Rivers

230. “The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.”

— Joan Rivers

231. “They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.”

— Joan Rivers

232. “I’ve learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they’re signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss – no matter what they tell you.”

— Joan Rivers

233. “My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off, I say get dressed and put one thing on.”

— Joan Rivers

234. “I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.”

— Joan Rivers

235. “I think I’ve lost 3lbs – I’m very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.”

— Joan Rivers

236. “I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.”

— Joan Rivers

237. “Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.”

— Joan Rivers

238. “The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.”

— Joan Rivers

239. “Better laid than never.”

— Joan Rivers

240. “I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred’s Hospital and Grill.”

— Joan Rivers

241. “Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying.”

— Joan Rivers

242. “I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.”

— Joan Rivers

243. “Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would’ve been nice if he was there for the conception.”

— Joan Rivers

244. “Tyra’s always standing up for herself and her “race” over perceived slights. For example, she’ll say, “You just pushed me because I’m black!” No, I pushed you because the train was coming right at you, you bulimic twit.”

— Joan Rivers

245. “Tonight I’ll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou – and yes, those are actors, not caterers.”

— Joan Rivers

246. “Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.”

— Joan Rivers

247. “I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.”

— Joan Rivers

248. “Every time I get on an airplane I figure it’s gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.”

— Joan Rivers

249. “I’ve learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I’ve ever done.”

— Joan Rivers

250. “I will only praise someone who can’t take anything away from me.”

— Joan Rivers