Top 280 Joan Rivers Quotes (2026 Update)
Page 6 of 6

251. “I think I’m in a business where you have to look good, and it’s totally youth-oriented.”

— Joan Rivers

252. “Tonight I’ll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou – and yes, those are actors, not caterers.”

— Joan Rivers

253. “I think I’ve lost 3lbs – I’m very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.”

— Joan Rivers

254. “Tyra’s always standing up for herself and her “race” over perceived slights. For example, she’ll say, “You just pushed me because I’m black!” No, I pushed you because the train was coming right at you, you bulimic twit.”

— Joan Rivers

255. “I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred’s Hospital and Grill.”

— Joan Rivers

256. “Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I’m gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.”

— Joan Rivers

257. “Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.”

— Joan Rivers

258. “I will only praise someone who can’t take anything away from me.”

— Joan Rivers

259. “Every time I get on an airplane I figure it’s gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.”

— Joan Rivers

260. “My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.”

— Joan Rivers

261. “I’ve learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I’ve ever done.”

— Joan Rivers

262. “When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.”

— Joan Rivers

263. “I’ll lie still for a lot of things – but sex isn’t one of them.”

— Joan Rivers

264. “I wear the midi because I feel if you’re going to look ugly, you may as well look this year’s ugly.”

— Joan Rivers

265. “I was not an attractive child. When I didn’t use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.”

— Joan Rivers

266. “Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.”

— Joan Rivers

267. “I’m sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn’t.”

— Joan Rivers

Featured in: Real Quotes

268. “I’m never without a bandage.”

— Joan Rivers

269. “Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.”

— Joan Rivers

270. “What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.”

— Joan Rivers

271. “I lived to be on stage, and I’m terrified. Terrified before every show.”

— Joan Rivers

272. “I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.”

— Joan Rivers

273. “If you’re not a wreck in this business, you’re not around.”

— Joan Rivers

274. “Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!”

— Joan Rivers

275. “We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.”

— Joan Rivers

276. “I was not an attractive child.”

— Joan Rivers

277. “My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.”

— Joan Rivers

278. “The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.”

— Joan Rivers

279. “I’m telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.”

— Joan Rivers

280. “Comedy is a very rough beat. It’s no holds barred, as it should be.”

— Joan Rivers

281. “With this face, I need all the deals I can get.”

— Joan Rivers

282. “If you’re saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that’s acting.”

— Joan Rivers

283. “I find that kind of “look at me” narcissism terribly inconsiderate. If you need attention that badly, set yourself on fire.”

— Joan Rivers

284. “Every television show you go on is a choice.”

— Joan Rivers

285. “The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.”

— Joan Rivers

286. “I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.”

— Joan Rivers

287. “I said, “Is there!” I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math – if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?”

— Joan Rivers

288. “There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.”

— Joan Rivers

289. “Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.”

— Joan Rivers

290. “The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves.”

— Joan Rivers