Top 280 Joan Rivers Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I’m gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.”

— Joan Rivers

252. “Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.”

— Joan Rivers

253. “Every time I get on an airplane I figure it’s gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.”

— Joan Rivers

254. “I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.”

— Joan Rivers

255. “I’ve learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I’ve ever done.”

— Joan Rivers

256. “I will only praise someone who can’t take anything away from me.”

— Joan Rivers

257. “I’m never without a bandage.”

— Joan Rivers

258. “I was not an attractive child. When I didn’t use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.”

— Joan Rivers

259. “I wear the midi because I feel if you’re going to look ugly, you may as well look this year’s ugly.”

— Joan Rivers

260. “If you’re not a wreck in this business, you’re not around.”

— Joan Rivers

261. “Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!”

— Joan Rivers

262. “Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.”

— Joan Rivers

263. “I lived to be on stage, and I’m terrified. Terrified before every show.”

— Joan Rivers

264. “If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.”

— Joan Rivers

265. “Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too.”

— Joan Rivers

266. “I’m sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn’t.”

— Joan Rivers

267. “I’ll lie still for a lot of things – but sex isn’t one of them.”

— Joan Rivers

268. “I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.”

— Joan Rivers

269. “We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.”

— Joan Rivers

270. “Comedy is a very rough beat. It’s no holds barred, as it should be.”

— Joan Rivers

271. “With this face, I need all the deals I can get.”

— Joan Rivers

272. “What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.”

— Joan Rivers

273. “I’m telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.”

— Joan Rivers

274. “When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.”

— Joan Rivers

275. “The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.”

— Joan Rivers

276. “I love the way my life has fallen into place.”

— Joan Rivers

277. “My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.”

— Joan Rivers

278. “I was not an attractive child.”

— Joan Rivers

279. “Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.”

— Joan Rivers

280. “Every television show you go on is a choice.”

— Joan Rivers

281. “I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.”

— Joan Rivers

282. “I find that kind of “look at me” narcissism terribly inconsiderate. If you need attention that badly, set yourself on fire.”

— Joan Rivers

283. “If you’re saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that’s acting.”

— Joan Rivers

284. “The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.”

— Joan Rivers

285. “I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.”

— Joan Rivers

286. “Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren’t laughable. But isn’t it? That’s what separates us from the animals. We laugh.”

— Joan Rivers

287. “There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.”

— Joan Rivers

288. “I said, “Is there!” I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math – if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?”

— Joan Rivers

289. “Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.”

— Joan Rivers

290. “The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves.”

— Joan Rivers