Top 280 Joan Rivers Quotes (2026 Update)
Page 3 of 6

101. “Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.”

— Joan Rivers

Featured in: Country Quotes

102. “Don’t talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.”

— Joan Rivers

103. “My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.”

— Joan Rivers

104. “You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.”

— Joan Rivers

105. “I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don’t care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.”

— Joan Rivers

106. “Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.”

— Joan Rivers

107. “Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.”

— Joan Rivers

108. “I could stop and live carefully but that’s ridiculous. I don’t want to live carefully.”

— Joan Rivers

109. “Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.”

— Joan Rivers

110. “The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.”

— Joan Rivers

Featured in: Fun Quotes

111. “If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.”

— Joan Rivers

112. “I was born in 1962 and the room next to me was 1963.”

— Joan Rivers

113. “Having a baby can be a scream.”

— Joan Rivers

114. “How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.”

— Joan Rivers

115. “I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.””

— Joan Rivers

116. “As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It’s ‘Something Old’ as well as ‘Something Blew.’”

— Joan Rivers

117. “No more Botox for me. Betty White’s bowels move more than my face.”

— Joan Rivers

118. “I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”

— Joan Rivers

119. “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”

— Joan Rivers

120. “I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.”

— Joan Rivers

121. “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

— Joan Rivers

122. “Comedy – and I say this with humility – comedy needs me.”

— Joan Rivers

123. “I use a smoke alarm as a timer.”

— Joan Rivers

124. “I am furious about everything.”

— Joan Rivers

125. “She’s so pure, Moses couldn’t even part her knees.”

— Joan Rivers

126. “I was my own buddy in camp.”

— Joan Rivers

127. “Humor doesn’t come out of the good times, it comes out of the anger, pain and sorrow. Always the anger.”

— Joan Rivers

128. “Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.”

— Joan Rivers

129. “All my friends are dying. That’s why I always wear black.”

— Joan Rivers

130. “I now consider it a good day when I don’t step on my boobs.”

— Joan Rivers

131. “Two is company; three is fifty bucks.”

— Joan Rivers

132. “Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It’s fashion – enjoy it!”

— Joan Rivers

133. “I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.”

— Joan Rivers

134. “I hate McDonald’s. I don’t want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown’s mouth. If I want my face in a clown’s mouth, I’ll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.”

— Joan Rivers

135. “I think Hillary Clinton’s style is perfect. Perfect. You don’t notice what she’s wearing, you notice the woman.”

— Joan Rivers

136. “Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too.”

— Joan Rivers

137. “I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.”

— Joan Rivers

138. “If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.”

— Joan Rivers

139. “I love the way my life has fallen into place.”

— Joan Rivers

140. “I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.”

— Joan Rivers

Featured in: Country Quotes

141. “Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren’t laughable. But isn’t it? That’s what separates us from the animals. We laugh.”

— Joan Rivers

142. “I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked.”

— Joan Rivers

143. “I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they’d also instinctively know how to decorate them.”

— Joan Rivers

144. “Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?”

— Joan Rivers

145. “My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.”

— Joan Rivers

146. “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”

— Joan Rivers

147. “I can’t wear yellow anymore. It’s too matchy-matchy with my catheter.”

— Joan Rivers

148. “I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.”

— Joan Rivers

149. “I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.”

— Joan Rivers

150. “Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.”

— Joan Rivers