Top 280 Joan Rivers Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.”

— Joan Rivers

102. “Since I met him ten years ago there hasn’t been a day that I didn’t think of George Burns. And I didn’t think of him again today.”

— Joan Rivers

103. “My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.”

— Joan Rivers

104. “It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up.”

— Joan Rivers

105. “Age – it’s the one mountain you can’t overcome.”

— Joan Rivers

106. “Now, I’m not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played “Here Comes the Bride”...”

— Joan Rivers

107. “Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.”

— Joan Rivers

108. “Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.”

— Joan Rivers

109. “The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.”

— Joan Rivers

110. “And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.”

— Joan Rivers

111. “The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.”

— Joan Rivers

112. “Dogs are easier to love than people; they’re certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that’s it. A true friend in life is a dog.”

— Joan Rivers

113. “I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian – and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.”

— Joan Rivers

114. “She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”

— Joan Rivers

115. “I hate weddings. Weddings are nothing more than catering with virgins. Sorry, in the old days it was virgins; now it’s baby mommas.”

— Joan Rivers

116. “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

— Joan Rivers

117. “I am a dyke! And I’m damn proud of it!”

— Joan Rivers

118. “I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.”

— Joan Rivers

119. “Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.”

— Joan Rivers

120. “I’m a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we’re making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.”

— Joan Rivers

121. “I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.””

— Joan Rivers

122. “But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can’t be part of the party. Meaning, you can’t go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you’re going to make a joke about her that night.”

— Joan Rivers

123. “A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.”

— Joan Rivers

124. “I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”

— Joan Rivers

125. “Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.”

— Joan Rivers

126. “My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.”

— Joan Rivers

127. “Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.”

— Joan Rivers

128. “It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who.”

— Joan Rivers

129. “A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.”

— Joan Rivers

130. “Don’t talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.”

— Joan Rivers

131. “With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.”

— Joan Rivers

132. “You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.”

— Joan Rivers

133. “My grandson is mad at me. He’s mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It’s a lot, but there’s a lot going on here.”

— Joan Rivers

134. “I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.”

— Joan Rivers

135. “Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn’t. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.”

— Joan Rivers

136. “I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’”

— Joan Rivers

137. “My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.”

— Joan Rivers

138. “Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.”

— Joan Rivers

139. “How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.”

— Joan Rivers

140. “I was born in 1962 and the room next to me was 1963.”

— Joan Rivers

141. “Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.”

— Joan Rivers

142. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

— Joan Rivers

143. “The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.”

— Joan Rivers

144. “I could stop and live carefully but that’s ridiculous. I don’t want to live carefully.”

— Joan Rivers

145. “All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I’ll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.”

— Joan Rivers

146. “I caused my husband’s heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.”

— Joan Rivers

147. “I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.””

— Joan Rivers

148. “Having a baby can be a scream.”

— Joan Rivers

149. “Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.”

— Joan Rivers

150. “If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.”

— Joan Rivers