Top 280 Joan Rivers Quotes (2026 Update)
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151. “My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.”

— Joan Rivers

152. “She’s so hairy – when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.”

— Joan Rivers

153. “I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.”

— Joan Rivers

154. “My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!”

— Joan Rivers

155. “Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.”

— Joan Rivers

156. “It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up.”

— Joan Rivers

157. “I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband’s side of the bed is when he’s having an asthma attack.”

— Joan Rivers

158. “Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.”

— Joan Rivers

159. “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

— Joan Rivers

160. “People are arguing whether Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn’t, it doesn’t matter, because I’ve been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they’re screwing him out of his profits.”

— Joan Rivers

161. “Dogs are easier to love than people; they’re certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that’s it. A true friend in life is a dog.”

— Joan Rivers

162. “I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: “Last Girl Before Freeway.””

— Joan Rivers

163. “Since I met him ten years ago there hasn’t been a day that I didn’t think of George Burns. And I didn’t think of him again today.”

— Joan Rivers

164. “I hate thin people; ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’”

— Joan Rivers

165. “When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.”

— Joan Rivers

166. “And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.”

— Joan Rivers

167. “I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.””

— Joan Rivers

168. “My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.”

— Joan Rivers

169. “It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who.”

— Joan Rivers

170. “Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.”

— Joan Rivers

171. “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

— Joan Rivers

172. “I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian – and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.”

— Joan Rivers

173. “Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn’t. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.”

— Joan Rivers

174. “Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.”

— Joan Rivers

175. “My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.”

— Joan Rivers

176. “I caused my husband’s heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.”

— Joan Rivers

177. “You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.”

— Joan Rivers

178. “But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can’t be part of the party. Meaning, you can’t go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you’re going to make a joke about her that night.”

— Joan Rivers

179. “My grandson is mad at me. He’s mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It’s a lot, but there’s a lot going on here.”

— Joan Rivers

180. “All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I’ll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.”

— Joan Rivers

181. “If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.”

— Joan Rivers

182. “Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.”

— Joan Rivers

183. “I can’t like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There’s just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays.”

— Joan Rivers

184. “You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.”

— Joan Rivers

185. “My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.”

— Joan Rivers

186. “I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business – rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.”

— Joan Rivers

187. “Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.”

— Joan Rivers

188. “Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.”

— Joan Rivers

189. “I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.”

— Joan Rivers

190. “What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Not book me? I’ve been out of work before. I don’t care.”

— Joan Rivers

Featured in: Book Quotes

191. “I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.”

— Joan Rivers

192. “Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.”

— Joan Rivers

193. “Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.”

— Joan Rivers

194. “My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.””

— Joan Rivers

195. “I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.”

— Joan Rivers

Featured in: Reading Quotes

196. “On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.”

— Joan Rivers

197. “I don’t think I’m good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he’d take a piece of chalk and outline my body.”

— Joan Rivers

198. “I think it was Cosby who also said to me, ‘If only 2 percent of the world thinks you’re funny, you’ll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.’”

— Joan Rivers

199. “Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.”

— Joan Rivers

200. “I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you’re really not concentrating on the world crisis.”

— Joan Rivers