Top 280 Joan Rivers Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I’ll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.”

— Joan Rivers

152. “I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.””

— Joan Rivers

153. “Having a baby can be a scream.”

— Joan Rivers

154. “If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.”

— Joan Rivers

155. “I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”

— Joan Rivers

156. “Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.”

— Joan Rivers

157. “As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It’s ‘Something Old’ as well as ‘Something Blew.’”

— Joan Rivers

158. “If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.”

— Joan Rivers

159. “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

— Joan Rivers

160. “I can’t like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There’s just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays.”

— Joan Rivers

161. “You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.”

— Joan Rivers

162. “No more Botox for me. Betty White’s bowels move more than my face.”

— Joan Rivers

163. “My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.”

— Joan Rivers

164. “I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business – rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.”

— Joan Rivers

165. “I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.”

— Joan Rivers

166. “I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.”

— Joan Rivers

167. “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”

— Joan Rivers

168. “I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.”

— Joan Rivers

169. “Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.”

— Joan Rivers

170. “I don’t think I’m good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he’d take a piece of chalk and outline my body.”

— Joan Rivers

171. “What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Not book me? I’ve been out of work before. I don’t care.”

— Joan Rivers

172. “Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.”

— Joan Rivers

173. “Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.”

— Joan Rivers

174. “I use a smoke alarm as a timer.”

— Joan Rivers

175. “She’s so pure, Moses couldn’t even part her knees.”

— Joan Rivers

176. “Comedy – and I say this with humility – comedy needs me.”

— Joan Rivers

177. “I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.”

— Joan Rivers

178. “I think it was Cosby who also said to me, ‘If only 2 percent of the world thinks you’re funny, you’ll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.’”

— Joan Rivers

179. “On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.”

— Joan Rivers

180. “Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.”

— Joan Rivers

181. “My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.””

— Joan Rivers

182. “I was my own buddy in camp.”

— Joan Rivers

183. “My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.”

— Joan Rivers

184. “Humor doesn’t come out of the good times, it comes out of the anger, pain and sorrow. Always the anger.”

— Joan Rivers

185. “Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It’s fashion – enjoy it!”

— Joan Rivers

186. “You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.”

— Joan Rivers

187. “The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven’t seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.”

— Joan Rivers

188. “I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you’re really not concentrating on the world crisis.”

— Joan Rivers

189. “I now consider it a good day when I don’t step on my boobs.”

— Joan Rivers

190. “We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.”

— Joan Rivers

191. “I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don’t care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.”

— Joan Rivers

192. “God always comes up with a third act twist – and we won’t know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.”

— Joan Rivers

193. “All my friends are dying. That’s why I always wear black.”

— Joan Rivers

194. “Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.”

— Joan Rivers

195. “Never floss with a stranger.”

— Joan Rivers

196. “Two is company; three is fifty bucks.”

— Joan Rivers

197. “Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.”

— Joan Rivers

198. “Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark’s glamour.”

— Joan Rivers

199. “I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door – or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.”

— Joan Rivers

200. “I had a blind date with a dentist – and he told me to come back in six months.”

— Joan Rivers