Top 200 Kevin Hearne Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “You don’t need to say any special incantation or sacrifice a stray cat or something first?”

— Kevin Hearne

52. “I forgot how good it feels to be rooted. And to be rooted is not the same thing at all as being tied down. To be rooted is to say, here I am nourished and here will I grow, for I have found a place where every sunrise shows me how to be more than what I was yesterday, and I need not wander to feel the wonder of my blessing. And when you are rooted, defending that space ceases to be an obligation or a duty and becomes more of a desire.”

— Kevin Hearne

53. “When he said to give him the sword, I don’t think he meant for you to stick it in his guts.”

— Kevin Hearne

54. “But sometimes we do things that make no sense except in some arcane calculus hidden in our emotions.”

— Kevin Hearne

55. “Betrayal always comes wrapped up in a friendly cloak. It’s one of the first things I learned in the Senate.”

— Kevin Hearne

56. “Now, I know I am not much of a craftsman,” I said, busily knotting the vines into a circle, “but greatness is in the act of creation and not necessarily in the finished product. Creating is the yin to the yang of our consumption and the doorway to beauty that we all want to walk through. Creating is how I tell the world I love it.” I.”

— Kevin Hearne

57. “I thought Sundays were supposed to be relaxing. As a male citizen of America, I’m entitled on Sundays to watch athletic men in tight uniforms ritualistically invade one another’s territory, and while they’re resting I get to be bombarded with commercials about trucks, pizza, beer, and financial services. That’s how it’s supposed to be; that’s the American dream.”

— Kevin Hearne

58. “I yawned and stretched luxuriously in the morning. I make noises when I stretch because it feels ten times better than stretching silently.”

— Kevin Hearne

59. “Druid log July 15: Dark elves are not only quick and efficient killers, but creative and pyrotechnically inclined ones.”

— Kevin Hearne

60. “Yes. It’s our duty to remember the dead. And our duty to let them go.”

— Kevin Hearne

61. “It had been a long time since I’d felt any desire to truly inflict pain upon another person. I tend to take the long view on dealing with irritating people – as in, I’m going to outlive whoever irritates me, so the problem will eventually go away. I had privately changed “This, too, shall pass” into “You, too, shall die,” and it helped me avoid all sorts of conflict.”

— Kevin Hearne

62. “My dad’s idea of bonding was throwing me in the tar pits to teach me a lesson, though I’m not sure what the lesson was, except to stay the hell away from Da.”

— Kevin Hearne

63. “You will respect my authori-tah!? Oberon said, in a passable imitation of Eric Cartman. I reminded him that I needed to concentrate. Sometimes dogs forget; they just get too excited.”

— Kevin Hearne

64. “The future always waits until the present to reveal its plans. But the past can clarify our goals for us sometimes, help us say good-bye to those we haven’t let go, even realize that we need to change. That is the magic of stories.”

— Kevin Hearne

65. “He was a god of rock. He nearly solved all the world’s problems with nothing but power chords and anguished cries into a microphone.”

— Kevin Hearne

66. “Americans say all men created equal. These words very good. Make men feel special. They know is not true, not really, but they always say is true, and they point to these words and say, Ideas like this make us strong. They turn mouse into bear. They turn dog into bear. Everything can become strong like bear if you think with American brains. But if everything is bear, what do bears eat? Americans.”

— Kevin Hearne

67. “Two days ago she watched me kill someone, and she offered me her backyard as a place to hide the body.” “Truly?” Magnusson raised his eyebrows in surprise. “That’s a fine woman.”

— Kevin Hearne

68. “If you’ve got some hopelessly overmatched heroes fighting evil and some Imperial types marching, John Williams is your guy. You need a song to make people reach for a box of Kleenex, talk to Randy Newman. But if you want creepy atmospherics and spine-shivering chords to back up your casual death threats, you gotta bring in Danny Elfman.”

— Kevin Hearne

69. “The garden of sarcasm is watered with impatience, and mine chose that moment to bloom.”

— Kevin Hearne

70. “And the Morrigan, I noted, had been right about thrice-cursed trickster gods. They were torrential fucksluices spraying their happy juices on the innocent and the damned alike.”

— Kevin Hearne

71. “I’m totally a ninja wolfhound. This car is ridiculous, though. He has a revolting citrus air freshener in here. Do you know when his birthday is? We should get him one that smells like steak or Italian sausage.”

— Kevin Hearne

72. “Strange how we unconsciously steer ourselves into new spectacular mistakes while trying to avoid repeating our past failures.”

— Kevin Hearne

73. “My emotions are tossed like the ocean wind For my love is foremost in my thoughts And she is a rare and dangerous treasure But it is her very danger that I treasure And hearing her laugh on the ocean wind Inspires the most distracting thoughts And now there’s naught but passion in my thoughts For her favor is what I most treasure And peace never blows from the ocean wind –.”

— Kevin Hearne

74. “Frank Herbert said that Fear is the mind-killer. He was a wise man.”

— Kevin Hearne

75. “Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I’m going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone’s ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we’ll talk.”

— Kevin Hearne

76. “To seek absolution from humanity would be to seek my own folly. One may speak of forgiveness here, and another may actually mean it there, but legions remain who would condemn a starving man to amputation for pinching a crust of bread. We are petty creatures who seek to aggrandize ourselves by feasting on the dignity of our fellows.”

— Kevin Hearne

77. “So my free advice is to always find something to love and to make you laugh – something that will keep you in the here and now. Hounds are good at it, and they work for me. They may or may not work for you.”

— Kevin Hearne

78. “She thinks petting me is an honor. This is an unexpected position to take for a goddess of slaughter, but I applaud her defiance of convention.”

— Kevin Hearne

79. “Other people in my life right now, who help me forget all the other people I have buried or lost: They are truly magic for me.”

— Kevin Hearne

80. “Sweet Honey of Dagda, now I was babbling.”

— Kevin Hearne

81. “Ragnarok will begin in the next few days, and it won’t end well for anyone, because apocalypses tend not to include happy endings.”

— Kevin Hearne

82. “But people who truly want to shed blood will find a way to shed it, just as people who wish to do good will find a way to be a benediction to their neighbors. Building and growing are so much harder than cutting something down.”

— Kevin Hearne

83. “You can’t put your fist through a man’s wood and expect him to forgive and forget.”

— Kevin Hearne

84. “I’m not a proper anything. Majoring in philosophy kind of turns positive assertions into maybes.”

— Kevin Hearne

85. “Dude. If that was a Shakespearean quote duel, he just kicked your ass.”

— Kevin Hearne

86. “My God, Atticus, you look like you had an orgy with egg yolks and orange juice.” “We might need a loofah,” I admitted. “Dare I ask what happened?” “An Olympian exploded on us and it was yucky.”

— Kevin Hearne

87. “Some while later Mekera found me, her face shining with joy. “Fiyori gave me her phone number! You know what this means?” “She likes you.” “No! I mean yes, but it means I need to get a phone!”

— Kevin Hearne

88. “I have salted my hatred and cured it, stored it in a dark cellar of my mind against the day when I could let it be my only nourishment. The day is finally come, and I will tear into this meat and savor its taste.”

— Kevin Hearne

89. “It was one of those decisions you make when you have too much testosterone bubbling around in your system, or when you’ve been raised in a culture of ridiculous machismo, as I was.”

— Kevin Hearne

90. “I have noticed over many centuries of relationships that a corollary to love is worry. They sort of come together as a matched set, and it’s nigh impossible to ditch one without the other. I don’t mean worry in the sense of a constant hand-wringing or an outward show of anxiety but a silent panic, always there but flaring up on occasion until one chokes and cannot see through a sudden veil of tears, panic that what you cherish most will be scarred or lost or taken away forever.”

— Kevin Hearne

91. “The goddess of fire lit him up like a stump, just as she had promised, and I wondered why people who believed in the next life were so anxious to start living it instead of enjoying the one they had.”

— Kevin Hearne

92. “We don’t need to play her witch’s games. They always want to get you and your little dog, too.” “I knew I never should have let you watch The Wizard of Oz.” “Toto didn’t deserve that kind of trauma. He was so tiny.”

— Kevin Hearne

93. “The tendency of modern American women to exclaim ‘Hiiiiiiiiiiii!’ in soprano octaves and hug each other upon sight can be disconcerting to those unfamiliar with it.”

— Kevin Hearne

94. “You are telling me that your lawyer is a bloodsucking vampire?”

— Kevin Hearne

95. “And we can seek therapy or religion to provide us relief like balm on chafed skin, but that’s denying our own power to heal ourselves and trying to silence old pain with new opiates.”

— Kevin Hearne

96. “Does anyone have a gun?” The looks I got in response suggested that I’d asked about something profoundly distasteful, like trickle-down economics or the poetry of William Blake.”

— Kevin Hearne

97. “The answer to enemies who heal annoyingly fast is always, always decapitation. That is why swords will never go out of style.”

— Kevin Hearne

98. “The future is a many-forked path,” she said, “and only you can choose which one to follow.” “I know that. What I don’t know is what waits at the end of those paths.” “Victory or death. Choose well.”

— Kevin Hearne

99. “I lost somebody I loved,” she whispered. “I know that doesn’t make me special. Happens to everyone. She made me feel special, though, more than anyone else I’d met in five hundred years.” She wiped at the tear on her cheek. “I don’t know if we would have made it last forever, but damn if we weren’t going to try.”

— Kevin Hearne

100. “Sophie Betsuie lost her composure and returned to the hogan, crying. She was beating herself up with a club made out of the words if only, and I knew what it felt like. If only I hadn’t done this. If only someone else hadn’t done that. I hoped she would learn sooner, rather than later, that you can’t unchoose anyone’s choices, least of all your own. All you can do with your past is try to grow out of it.”

— Kevin Hearne