Top 200 Kevin Hearne Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “And we can seek therapy or religion to provide us relief like balm on chafed skin, but that’s denying our own power to heal ourselves and trying to silence old pain with new opiates.”

— Kevin Hearne

102. “But now that she was my apprentice, every such thought caused a guilty twitch in my neck, as if someone had dropped a sleek, stinky ferret there. Guilt ferrets are bastards.”

— Kevin Hearne

103. “Filled with a new sense of purpose, I downed half my coffee at one draught. It was good, strong stuff, the kind that Louis L’Amour used to say could float a horseshoe. Nobody ever drank weak coffee in his books. It was probably why they were so anxious to shoot people at high noon.”

— Kevin Hearne

104. “Does anyone have a gun?” The looks I got in response suggested that I’d asked about something profoundly distasteful, like trickle-down economics or the poetry of William Blake.”

— Kevin Hearne

105. “The answer to enemies who heal annoyingly fast is always, always decapitation. That is why swords will never go out of style.”

— Kevin Hearne

106. “Deep in stone and mineral and lime Waiting for pressure and sufficient time Are diamonds and emeralds and sapphires; So in our fragile hearts and minds Waiting for affection of different kinds Are virtues the goddess admires; But do not passively wait to thrive, For this very moment you may strive To whatever your will aspires. –.”

— Kevin Hearne

107. “Sophie Betsuie lost her composure and returned to the hogan, crying. She was beating herself up with a club made out of the words if only, and I knew what it felt like. If only I hadn’t done this. If only someone else hadn’t done that. I hoped she would learn sooner, rather than later, that you can’t unchoose anyone’s choices, least of all your own. All you can do with your past is try to grow out of it.”

— Kevin Hearne

108. “With dogs you just go up and smell their asses and you know where you stand. It’s so much easier. Why can’t humans do that?”

— Kevin Hearne

109. “Anyone who’s ever tried to tangle with a teddy bear cholla knows there’s a whole lot more bear than teddy to it.”

— Kevin Hearne

110. “We should be going in there with a thousand naked warriors who fight like wet cats with dodgy bowls.”

— Kevin Hearne

111. “You mean nonhuman. Inhuman is an adjective, I said, as I rose from the lawn and padded softly around the left side of the house to the backyard.”

— Kevin Hearne

112. “I just shook hands with a naked goddess. What was that she called you? She-ya-han? Does that mean dumbass in Old Irish or something?”

— Kevin Hearne

113. “This bastard is so guilty he already has his lawyer here.”

— Kevin Hearne

114. “Why content ourselves with meager fish when we can eat our own animals, the God asked. I can not eat my own ass, though I thought it should be obvious to him. He carries me where so ever I wish.”

— Kevin Hearne

115. “I’m just thinking about how our causes have trouble seeing their effects until it’s too late to do anything but mourn them.”

— Kevin Hearne

116. “To be rooted is to say, here am I nourished and here will I grow, for I have found a place where every sunrise shows me how to be more than what I was yesterday, and I need not wander to feel the wonder of my blessing.”

— Kevin Hearne

117. “They were lounging, in fact, in an almost ostentatious manner, as if to say to passersby like myself, “Look uponst my exquisite lounging, foolish mortal, and mourn that you will never lounge with such cosmopolitan savoir faire.”

— Kevin Hearne

118. “That wasn’t English she was speaking: it was the language of diplomacy.”

— Kevin Hearne

119. “She didn’t go all fangirl on anyone, but I suspect that’s only because none of them bore the slightest resemblance to Nathan Fillion.”

— Kevin Hearne

120. “I suspect that many of us, if given the chance to make one person in our lives love us more, would have no trouble in choosing where to point a finger. We are all needy, all vulnerable, all terrified that perhaps that person has an excellent reason to withhold affection. We shape our purposes to make ourselves worthy and often do not see until much later how it was love – or perhaps the lack of it – that both picked us up and dropped us off at crossroads.”

— Kevin Hearne

121. “But even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”

— Kevin Hearne

122. “Few things trigger old memories so quickly as authority figures from our youth. I’m not saying those memories are necessarily good ones; they’re simply old and tend to cast us back into roles we thought we grew out of long ago. Sometimes the memories are warm and blanket us like a mother’s love. More often, however, they have the sting of hoarfrost, which bites at first, then numbs and settles in the bones for a deep, extended chill.”

— Kevin Hearne

123. “Why am I here?” Wukong chuckles, throwing his head back in unrestrained glee. “A philosophical question! The answer is simple: to learn and to grow.” “No, I mean, why am I here right now?” The Buddha cocks his head at me and shrugs. “The answer is the same, and will remain the same days and months and years hence.”

— Kevin Hearne

124. “Anyone with a cursory knowledge of mythology knows that it is suicidal to sexually harass a goddess. Look what Artemis did to that guy who stumbled across her bathing.”

— Kevin Hearne

125. “Mr. Tall, Blonde and Lightning.”

— Kevin Hearne

126. “I jumped up and down and swore violently in seventeen languages.”

— Kevin Hearne

127. “Douglas Adams was right: There is nothing so massively useful in the universe as a towel.”

— Kevin Hearne

128. “No one takes you seriously when you’re naked.”

— Kevin Hearne

129. “The ladies in the beer commercials were hot, no doubt, but when a goddess wants to make an effort, no one else can even open the jar of mustard, let alone cut it.”

— Kevin Hearne

130. “Once horrors take hold in the mind, they tend to clutch and linger, and it takes waves and waves of laughter to wash them away.”

— Kevin Hearne

131. “Now, I will be the first to admit that human life was not worth much to my generation in the Iron Age, but Flidais and her kind are forever rooted in Bronze Age morality, which goes something like this: If it pleases me, then it is good and I want more; If it displeases me, then it must be destroyed as soon as possible, but preferably in a way that enhances my reputation so that I can achieve immortality in the songs of bards.”

— Kevin Hearne

132. “I find the college children delightful. I would like to have a drink with them too.” “No, Leif, you want to drink of them, and they can sense that subconsciously.”

— Kevin Hearne

133. “Now, ye know right well I’m in favor of solving problems through stomping on nuts, but the first rule to follow – the one ye didn’t remember – is not to stomp on your own.”

— Kevin Hearne

134. “Vampires inspire screams, not squees.”

— Kevin Hearne

135. “The universe is exactly the size that your soul can encompass. Some people live in extremely small worlds, and some live in a world of infinite possibilities. you have just received some sensory input that suggest its bigger than you previously thought. What are you going to do with that information? Will you deny it or embrace it?”

— Kevin Hearne

136. “His eyes were glowing egg yolks, burning Scut Farkus eyes to make your kidneys cringe.”

— Kevin Hearne

137. “The wind and the grass and something in the sky, sun, or moon, shining on our backs as we run: They are gifts that humans toss away like socks on Christmas morning, because we see them every day and don’t think of them as gifts anymore. But new socks are always better than old socks. And the wind and grass and sky, I think, are better seen with new eyes than jaded ones. I hope my eyes will never grow old.”

— Kevin Hearne

138. “The danger of growing old is growing comfortable and complacent at the same time. We should seek out the new and strange and applaud it and throw wild fecking parties whenever it walks into our lives. We should be building roads in and out of our own wee heads rather than erecting walls around them.”

— Kevin Hearne

139. “Yes, I felt guilt. Somehow I had pushed Fand to the precipice without realizing it, and had I not been so blind, perhaps she wouldn’t be trying to pull us all over the edge with her now. I was sure Manannan felt it too-the crushing questions of how we got to this place and whether we could have avoided it, where we went wrong, and whether we would ever learn how not to cock up other people’s lives in the course of living our own.”

— Kevin Hearne

140. “Peace isn’t as easy as everyone wants you to think it is.”

— Kevin Hearne

141. “You know how people are always threatenin’ to shove this or that up someone’s ass, but they never really do it? Well, now there’s a new story gonna be told ‘round the fire: ‘How Coyote Shoved An Arrow Up A Fallen Angel’s Ass.”

— Kevin Hearne

142. “An owl hoots in the night, spooky as five hells and a jar of creamy peanut butter – that shite’s unnatural.”

— Kevin Hearne

143. “It is a catalyst for suicide and untold other acts of selfishness and stupidity. I cannot think of a more poisonous emotion.”

— Kevin Hearne

144. “That light source is lava. A bit more dangerous than those fancy twisty light bulbs ye see these days.”

— Kevin Hearne

145. “Sexual repression is conduct unbecoming a Celt.” I shrugged. “Better that than having to deal with guilt ferrets.”

— Kevin Hearne

146. “Awesome! I’d just bullied Jesus into doing a shot with me. Nobody would ever believe it, but I didn’t care. We ordered the insanely expensive stuff, seventy-five dollars for a 1.75-ounce pour of premium Irish whiskey, because if you’re doing a shot with Jesus, you don’t buy him scotch.”

— Kevin Hearne

147. “Law is all that separates us from barbarism and the howling within; it is a necessary leash on our darker natures.”

— Kevin Hearne

148. “When The Empire Strikes Back first came out in 1980 and I saw Luke summon his lightsaber to his hand in the wampa cave, I remember thinking, “Whoa! Awesome!” And then, after I’d seen it maybe ten more times, I wondered, “Where’d he learn how to do that?” My nine-year-old self never suspected that one day I’d get the chance to provide the answer, and I’m grateful to Del Rey and Lucasfilm for making it happen.”

— Kevin Hearne

149. “I know that when ye think o’ love you’re supposed to think o’ kissy faces and scented soap and hummin’ happy songs together, but there’s another vital part to it that people rarely admit to themselves: We want somebody to rescue us from other people. From talking to them, I mean, or from the burden of giving a damn about what they say.”

— Kevin Hearne

150. “She switched from ecstasy to embarrassment at about Mach five.”

— Kevin Hearne