Top 200 Kevin Hearne Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “Atticus makes gigantic mistakes at times. But there are also times like this one when he makes of his life a poem and achieves an apotheosis of sorts, when his years manifest as wisdom and he spies a path forward that no one else sees until he points it out. And in this case that means not allowing swords to fall where they may.”

— Kevin Hearne

152. “I sighed. You can go harass the construction workers if you want. I even give you permission to sniff their asses. Oberon stopped panting and pricked up his ears at me. Sure, why not? They’re construction workers. They’ll tease one another about it, especially if you sneeze afterward. But if you startle them, they might knock you upside the head, so watch out. Oberon levered himself off the ground, his tail wagging.”

— Kevin Hearne

153. “Your gift for euphemism continues to thrive. But I think I have heard of such modern relationships. There is a colloquialism for them, yes? They are boogie calls.” “Boogie? Oh! Nice try. You were very close. They’re known as booty calls.” “That’s what I said. Booty calls.” “You said boogie – ” The Morrigan’s eyes flashed red for the briefest moment, and I cleared my throat. “Pardon me. I must have misheard you. Quite right.”

— Kevin Hearne

154. “That light source is lava. A bit more dangerous than those fancy twisty light bulbs ye see these days.”

— Kevin Hearne

155. “If it pleases me, then it is good and I want more; If it displeases me, then it must be destroyed as soon as possible, but preferably in a way that enhances my reputation so that I can achieve immortality in the songs of bards.”

— Kevin Hearne

156. “As any war veteran will tell you, there is a vast difference between preparing for battle and actually facing battle for the first time. You can be told that reading Victor Hugo will sap your will to live, but you can’t understand what it means until you’ve read a few chapters and your eyes are glazed over and someone has to revive you with a defibrillator.”

— Kevin Hearne

157. “Sexual repression is conduct unbecoming a Celt.” I shrugged. “Better that than having to deal with guilt ferrets.”

— Kevin Hearne

158. “I am the bringer of beef and the singer of sweet suppertime! Mine is the chicken and the gravy forever, nom nom!”

— Kevin Hearne

159. “We want somebody to rescue us from other people. From talking to them, I mean, or from the burden of giving a damn about what they say. We don’t want to be polite and stifle our farts, now, do we? We want to let ’em rip and we want to be with someone who won’t care if we do, who will love us regardless and fart right back besides.”

— Kevin Hearne

160. “Everybody’s makin’ too much money off oil and coal and buyin’ congressmen with it to make sure it stays that way.”

— Kevin Hearne

161. “Douglas Adams was right: There is nothing so massively useful in the universe as a towel.”

— Kevin Hearne

162. “How can one freeze and put their hands above their head at the same time? Do they teach cops to shout contradictory instructions at suspects at the academy for some sinister purpose? If I obeyed one cop, did the other cop get to shoot me for resisting arrest?”

— Kevin Hearne

163. “She switched from ecstasy to embarrassment at about Mach five.”

— Kevin Hearne

164. “Revenge and rational thought never sleep together.”

— Kevin Hearne

165. “The ladies in the beer commercials were hot, no doubt, but when a goddess wants to make an effort, no one else can even open the jar of mustard, let alone cut it.”

— Kevin Hearne

166. “What I should be doing was the same thing everyone should be doing: enjoying the blessings I have while I have them, instead of worrying that one day they will be gone.”

— Kevin Hearne

167. “Great. What if she decides to kill me?” “That will test our bargain quite severely,” the Morrigan replied with a smirk. “Morrigan?” “Relax. We have a bargain. But have the good grace to pretend to be dead if she decides to kill you.” “What if she decides to set me on fire and watch me burn?” “Then that’s going to hurt. Scream all you want, but turn it off at some point and she’ll figure you for dead.”

— Kevin Hearne

168. “I am often reminded how a small fire underneath a vast sky can bind people together like nothing else. For all that we are social creatures, we are too often shoved into solitary confinement by circumstance. The color of our skin isn’t like everyone else’s, or our language is different, or our religion isn’t the one that gets us invited to dinner by the neighbors. That last one has kept me alone for a long, long time.”

— Kevin Hearne

169. “I’ve trained in many martial arts to defend myself against myriad weapons but never against beards. There’s not a whole lot of precedent.”

— Kevin Hearne

170. “So in a sense it’s we with faith who create gods, not the gods who create us. And, if that’s the case, then it’s we who created the universe.”

— Kevin Hearne

171. “She’d made life poignant for the Irish. The terror she inspired gave peace its serenity; the pain she caused gave health its lustre; her failure to love made me grateful for my ability to do so, and I realized, far too late, that though I never did or could have loved her as she might have wished, I should have loved her more.”

— Kevin Hearne

172. “I knew it would annoy her. She’d deliberately tried to provoke me, and one cannot sass me with impunity.”

— Kevin Hearne

173. “Pick a system – any system, legal or ecclesiastical – and you’ll start to wonder at how anyone could think it was fair. And then you’ll realize it was never meant to be fair but rather was intended to protect the interests of the powerful, and then you’re wading through a swamp of cynicism and your day’s ruined.”

— Kevin Hearne

174. “No matter how old I get, I keep running into people who are smarter, nobler, and kinder. I really ought to start listening to them and telling my pride to shut up. I had gods tell me not to go to Asgard. I had witches tell me not to go to Flagstaff. You told me this plan wouldn’t work. But I barreled ahead anyway for my own reasons. I still have plenty of growing to do.”

— Kevin Hearne

175. “Demons smell like ass – nasty ass that slithers down your throat, finds your gag reflex, and sits on it with authority.”

— Kevin Hearne

176. “Like the honey badger, the werewolf takes what it wants.”

— Kevin Hearne

177. “The danger of growing old is growing comfortable and complacent at the same time. We should seek out the new and strange and applaud it and throw wild fecking parties whenever it walks into our lives.”

— Kevin Hearne

178. “They’ll have to bring in Mulder an’ Scully, because there ain’t no CSI on the planet that’ll ever be able to explain this.”

— Kevin Hearne

179. “You must be thinking of stories from other cultures. Irish women tend to kick ass and do whatever they want. For exhibits A, B, and C, I give you the Morrigan, Brighid, and Flidais.”

— Kevin Hearne

180. “The mixed woods of Germany were the sort that deserved a good savoring – no, a savouring, with a British u in there for the sake of decadence, as colours are somehow more vibrant to me than mere colors.”

— Kevin Hearne

181. “Wooo!’ he said, slamming his shot glass down and coughing a bit. ‘That’s good stuff.’ I agreed heartily. ‘Shall we do another one?’ I asked. ‘Oh no,’ Jesus said quietly, his eyes growing round. ‘This is one of those situations where I have to stop and ask myself, what would I do?”

— Kevin Hearne

182. “People still need to know that ye would fix everything if ye could.”

— Kevin Hearne

183. “For all that we may sometimes despise our fellows and be driven to rages and petty revenges, I think we are even darker creatures when we are alone. We can learn to fear our own thoughts more than the lash of the whip or the slap in the face.”

— Kevin Hearne

184. “Gods blast it, I was asking ye where you shite in the city, not where I should do it!”

— Kevin Hearne

185. “What do you know? She liked to be told she was scary. Kinky.”

— Kevin Hearne

186. “I am Snugglepumpkin. Hear me roar.”

— Kevin Hearne

187. “I wonder if they have a fancy law or name for the principle that Humans Ruin Everything for Profit. Maybe that’s just capitalism.”

— Kevin Hearne

188. “Science cannot close the fist of reason around the miracle of consciousness any more than I can turn my sword into a light saber.”

— Kevin Hearne

189. “Better to ask forgiveness than permission and to answer their shenanigans with even better shenanigans.”

— Kevin Hearne

190. “I could only strive to live so that my merit outweighed my discredit.”

— Kevin Hearne

191. “Oh sweet kraken tits.”

— Kevin Hearne

192. “I was haunted by the ghosts of those who had trespassed against me;.”

— Kevin Hearne

193. “Pain fades, but freedom is an enduring joy.”

— Kevin Hearne

194. “The beard of Odin told you that he wasn’t a hippie or a barbarian or a fantasy author but a god who could bring order to chaos.”

— Kevin Hearne

195. “Is monstrous fuckpuddle,′ Perun asserted, and everyone turned to stare at him with equal parts amusement and bemusement. ‘What? Is this not English word?’ I suggested that if it wasn’t a word, it should be, and the others agreed.”

— Kevin Hearne

196. “If you tell me I have to talk like an illiterate halfwit to fit into this society, I will punch you.”

— Kevin Hearne

197. “You will need to make an effort to appear a little less scruffy.”

— Kevin Hearne

198. “Oi! Pay first, then run away screaming if you want!”

— Kevin Hearne

199. “War always takes your life, sometimes not all at once.”

— Kevin Hearne

200. “Pardon me, is this some kind of social experiment? You want me to get a hundred and forty-four Samoans and cram them into your cabin with a case of whiskey?”

— Kevin Hearne