Top 200 Kevin Hearne Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Winning ugly is still winning.”

— Kevin Hearne

2. “There is always a price to pay for badassery. Neo was a badass in the Matrix and the Matrix Reloaded, but the price he had to pay was The Matrix Revolutions.”

— Kevin Hearne

3. “When in doubt, blame the dark elves.”

— Kevin Hearne

4. “Monty Python is like catnip for nerds. Once you get them started quoting it, they are constitutionally incapable of feeling depressed.”

— Kevin Hearne

5. “The point is, Mrs. MacDonagh, that the universe is exactly the size that your soul can encompass. Some people live in extremely small worlds, and some live in a world of infinite possibility.”

— Kevin Hearne

6. “Depression is a prison to which you have the key except you never think to look for it.”

— Kevin Hearne

7. “On a Creep Scale from Hello Kitty to Cthulhu, I award it a Freddy Krueger. Granuaile MacTiernan.”

— Kevin Hearne

8. “As any war veteran will tell you, there is a vast difference between preparing for battle and actually facing battle for the first time.”

— Kevin Hearne

9. “Silly dark elves. Earth is for Druids.”

— Kevin Hearne

10. “You build and do not destroy; you sow goodwill and reap it; smiles bloom in the wake of your passing, and I will keep your kindness in trust and share it as occasion arises, so that your life will be a quenching draught of calm in a land of drought and stress.”

— Kevin Hearne

11. “Have you learned nothing from this journey? Magic is a drug. You can’t just go around eating everything that sparkles.”

— Kevin Hearne

12. “I can’t spend too much time in the forests because I invariably leave traces-ridiculously happy trees, basically, since I’m the last Druid in the world and they tend to geek out like Joss Whedon fans when I show up.”

— Kevin Hearne

13. “I didn’t respond, because naked people never win arguments.”

— Kevin Hearne

14. “An ignoranus,” Manannan explains, “is someone who’s both stupid and an arsehole.”

— Kevin Hearne

15. “There are some sights that, once seen, can never be unseen. They replay themselves on a loop in your mind’s home-theatre system with Dolby surround sound until you’re so desperate to be rid of them that you’ll resort to other loops simply to dislodge them for a while.”

— Kevin Hearne

16. “Now go and stake some vamps. Especially the sparkly emo ones.”

— Kevin Hearne

17. “Sometimes I forget what I look like and I do something out of character, such as sing shepherd tunes in Aramaic while I’m waiting in line at Starbucks, but the nice bit about living in urban America is that people tend to either ignore eccentrics or move to the suburbs to escape them.”

— Kevin Hearne

18. “Saying good-bye properly afforded me a measure of peace. It was a binding of a different sort, absent of the earth’s power, but still hard proof that there is magic yet in the world.”

— Kevin Hearne

19. “I would never behave with so little dignity. Nor would I wish to be confronted in such a manner by anyone else. Vampires inspire screams, not squees. Involuntary urination is common, I grant, but it properly flows from a sense of terror, not an ecstatic sense of hero worship.”

— Kevin Hearne

20. “I think – and it is something I have thought about for a while – that there is a measure of heroism in providing safe harbor. Not actively saving anyone so much as providing the space for them to save themselves. It takes a lot of effort and patience and kindness and a resignation that while you may be thanked, you will never be celebrated for it.”

— Kevin Hearne

21. “I tend to vacillate between belief systems. Right now I’m kind of checking out the whole buffet, you know, and maybe in a little while I’ll decide on what I want to put on my plate and chow down on.”

— Kevin Hearne

22. “May harmony find you” Atticus.”

— Kevin Hearne

23. “Wisdom eludes me yet, but foolishness I captured long ago and to this day it is my constant companion, though many people consider me wise.”

— Kevin Hearne

24. “That’s right, there’s free beer in Irish paradise. Everyone’s jealous.”

— Kevin Hearne

25. “We should be going in there with a thousand naked warriors who fight like wet cats with dodgy bowels.” “You can go naked if you want,” the bastard says to me, ignoring my advice.”

— Kevin Hearne

26. “I hurt in places I didn’t know were places.”

— Kevin Hearne

27. “I had my own dump truck of bad karma waiting for me somewhere ahwad. I had certainly earned it, but I raced to avoid it if I could; there was no way I wanted to fell that.”

— Kevin Hearne

28. “Guilt ferrets are bastards.”

— Kevin Hearne

29. “Gods can screw anything and anybody. For reference, see history. Atticus O’Sullivan.”

— Kevin Hearne

30. “People do that – cling to their past because it’s the only thing they consider safe. Trying something new or just accepting it turns their livers into jelly. But that’s a load of bollocks. Ye take the new and appreciate it if it’s good, like whiskey or poutine or girlfriends who bite, or ye dismiss it as shite if it’s bad, like cell phones and cars, and move on. O.”

— Kevin Hearne

31. “Damn all hieroglyphics for making the ancient Egyptians look cool. Those old gods were best left in oblivion; you’d think the fact that they appeared most often on tombs would be a big hint that they weren’t friendly.”

— Kevin Hearne

32. “Put your affairs in order, mortals,” she boomed, as a gust of wind – yes, wind inside my shop – blew their hair back. “I will feast on your hearts tonight for the offense you gave me. So swears the Morrigan.” I thought it was a bit melodramatic, but one does not critique a death goddess on her oratory delivery.”

— Kevin Hearne

33. “My mouth gaped and I think I might have whimpered. The Norns had obliterated him completely – a creature they’d known for centuries – because of me. It was like watching Rudolph get shot by Santa Claus.”

— Kevin Hearne

34. “For all its manifold beauties, the world is never so fine once someone you love leaves it; instead, there is only the bleak prospect of loneliness and might-have-beens.”

— Kevin Hearne

35. “We are far past the time when everything might have turned out well. We are now in crisis management, hoping that things will turn out badly instead of much, much worse.”

— Kevin Hearne

36. “Turns out that once you kill a god, people want to talk to you. Paranormal insurance salesmen with special “godslayer” term life policies. Charlatan’s with “godproof” armor and extraplanar safe houses for rent. But most notably, other gods...”

— Kevin Hearne

37. “Tell her I am Peace Dawg but I think her cats are closely allied with The Man. I’m going to stick it to them.”

— Kevin Hearne

38. “People used to say obvious things ironically or as a form of understatement, but in the last few decades they seem to say it with a sense of discovery, and it worries me.”

— Kevin Hearne

39. “Oh, I know. They’re dwarfs pretending to be elves. No, they’re not dwarfs either. Okay, okay, they’re “little people,” I’m sorry! Can’t believe I have to be politically correct when you’re the only one who can hear me.”

— Kevin Hearne

40. “That’s using religion to cudgel people into conformity, and it grinds my gears.”

— Kevin Hearne

41. “Technology is always perfectly dependable until it isn’t.”

— Kevin Hearne

42. “Cunning is better than running.”

— Kevin Hearne

43. “Whoa. He had ghouls on speed dial. My lawyer kicks so much ass.”

— Kevin Hearne

44. “Unidentified hole, please shut it and inspect yourself. Continue to talk and you will be ignored.”

— Kevin Hearne

45. “He will spit you and roast you with rosemary, and we will all sample your flesh tonight. Tomorrow you will be shat out into the snow. Your diplomacy is bold and edgy, sir.”

— Kevin Hearne

46. “The grin on his face wasn’t the affable, friendly sort; instead, it was the sociopathic rictus of the irretrievably, bug-fuckeringly insane.”

— Kevin Hearne

47. “To seek absolution from humanity would be to seek my own folly. One may speak of forgiveness here, and another may actually mean it there, but legions remain who would condemn a starving man to amputation for pinching a crust of bread. We are petty creatures who seek to aggrandize ourselves by feasting on the dignity of our fellows.”

— Kevin Hearne

48. “You’re going to need a dann big can of big spray! Or maybe a rocket-propelled grenade. I have one in the garage, you want it?”

— Kevin Hearne

49. “If you still want to tell him you’re sorry tomorrow or a hundred years from now, you’re going to get that chance. Because you’re going to be around. And maybe when you say it there will be forgiveness and it will be good. And if there isn’t forgiveness, then it will still be good, because you will have done what’s right: He deserves that apology. And in the meantime, there is beer and blood and the songs of bards, the great wide world to live in, and all the planes too.”

— Kevin Hearne

50. “Icy glares from vampires are far icier than icy glares from people and when the vampire giving you an icy glare is originally from Iceland, you’re confronted with the archetypal origin of the term, and you shouldn’t be surprised if your core body temperature drops a few degrees.”

— Kevin Hearne