Top 400 P.J. O'Rourke Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Politicians are always interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

52. “Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

53. “All change is bad. But sometimes it has to be done.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

54. “There’s a certain kind of behavior in the Arab world that, to me, resembles the way young men behave when there is no significant influence from women in their lives.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

55. “During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?”

— P.J. O'Rourke

56. “Where self-interest is suppressed, it is replaced by a burdensome system of bureaucratic control that dries up the wellsprings of initiative and creativity.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

57. “Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

58. “Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I’m worried about the difference between wrong and fun.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

59. “Writing this book required an enormous amount of help from friends. To them goes the credit. I’ll take the money.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

60. “Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

61. “Some women want the strong silent type, so they can tell him to shut up and rearrange the furniture.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

62. “Everything that’s fun in life is dangerous. And everything that isn’t fun is dangerous too. It’s impossible to be alive and safe.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

63. “The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

64. “The sport of skiing consists of wearing three thousand dollars worth of clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and get drunk.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

65. “It remains to be seen which program will cause greater societal damage: China’s one-child policy or America’s one-parent policy.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

66. “Liberalism is just Communism sold by the drink.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

67. “All lies are told with a straight face. It is truth that’s said with a dismissive giggle.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

68. “The poor of the world cannot be made rich by the redistribution of wealth. Poverty can’t be eliminated by punishing people who’ve escaped poverty, taking their money and giving it as a reward to people who have failed to escape.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

69. “Greatest generation came through some stuff that we can’t even imagine – the Depression, World War I – and all they wanted after that was a breather and a calm and a quiet life, and they get us.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

70. “There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

71. “African famine is not a visitation of fate. It is largely man-made, and the men who made it are largely Africans.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

72. “A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

73. “The Democrats said, “We don’t know what’s wrong with America, but we can fix it.” The Republicans said, “There’s nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that.””

— P.J. O'Rourke

74. “I don’t think I’ll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn’t big enough.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

75. “One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

76. “Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It’s easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America’s favorite poet. People like poets to possess the same qualities they do.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

77. “The difference between corporations and governments is governments have a monopoly on force. It’s a lot easier to vote with your feet or your wallet than it is to change a government with your vote.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

78. “Good manners can replace morals. It may be years before anyone knows if what you are doing is right. But if what you are doing is nice, it will be immediately evident.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

79. “This country was founded by religious nuts with guns.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

80. “Just as some things are too strange for fiction, others are too true for journalism.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

81. “Intelligence collection has been given an additional bureaucracy to correct the problems created by too much bureaucracy in intelligence collection.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

82. “Taxi drivers all over the world, by the way, are under Newspaper Guild contract to give easy quotes to foreign correspondents.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

83. “I can understand why mankind hasn’t given up war. During a war you get to drive tanks through the sides of buildings and shoot foreigners – two things that are usually frowned on during peacetime.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

84. “Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

85. “When a thing defies physical law, there’s usually politics involved.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

86. “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

87. “You may be surprised to discover you’re rich, especially if you’re broke.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

88. “The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

89. “And, Donald, the end of your necktie belongs up around your belt buckle, not between your knees and your nuts. Trump’s haircut makes Kim Jong Un laugh.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

90. “Smoking is very bad for you and should only be done because it looks so good. People who don’t smoke have a terrible time finding something polite to do with their lips.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

91. “One of the reporters must have flunked journalism school because he asked a question that went straight to the point.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

92. “The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

93. “Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you’ve half a bottle of Chivas in the bag with a gram of coke up your nose and a teenage lovely pulling off her tube top in the next seat over while you’re doing a hundred miles an hour in a suburban side street.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

94. “A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should be either nude, or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

95. “The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

96. “Smoking cigarettes seems to alarm peace activists much more than voting for Reagan does.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

97. “I remember thinking cocaine was subtle until I noticed I’d been awake for three weeks and didn’t know any of the naked people passed out around me.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

98. “Never Refuse Wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn’t drink must be an alcoholic.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

99. “A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you’ll never be forgiven if you don’t live up to it.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

100. “Man developed in Africa. He has not continued to do so there.”

— P.J. O'Rourke