Top 400 P.J. O'Rourke Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “All change is bad. But sometimes it has to be done.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

52. “During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?”

— P.J. O'Rourke

53. “Where self-interest is suppressed, it is replaced by a burdensome system of bureaucratic control that dries up the wellsprings of initiative and creativity.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

54. “Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

55. “Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I’m worried about the difference between wrong and fun.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

56. “Writing this book required an enormous amount of help from friends. To them goes the credit. I’ll take the money.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

57. “Good manners are a combination of intelligence, education, taste and style mixed together so that you don’t need any of those things.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

58. “In general, life is better than it has ever been, and if you think that, in the past, there was some golden age of pleasure and plenty to which you would, if you were able, transport yourself, let me say one single word : Dentistry.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

59. “Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

60. “Some women want the strong silent type, so they can tell him to shut up and rearrange the furniture.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

61. “The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

62. “The sport of skiing consists of wearing three thousand dollars worth of clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and get drunk.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

63. “Liberalism is just Communism sold by the drink.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

64. “All lies are told with a straight face. It is truth that’s said with a dismissive giggle.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

65. “The poor of the world cannot be made rich by the redistribution of wealth. Poverty can’t be eliminated by punishing people who’ve escaped poverty, taking their money and giving it as a reward to people who have failed to escape.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

66. “Veal is a very young beef and, like a very young girlfriend, it’s cute but boring and expensive.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

67. “African famine is not a visitation of fate. It is largely man-made, and the men who made it are largely Africans.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

68. “A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

69. “I don’t think I’ll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn’t big enough.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

70. “Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It’s easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America’s favorite poet. People like poets to possess the same qualities they do.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

71. “The difference between corporations and governments is governments have a monopoly on force. It’s a lot easier to vote with your feet or your wallet than it is to change a government with your vote.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

72. “This country was founded by religious nuts with guns.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

73. “Good manners can replace morals. It may be years before anyone knows if what you are doing is right. But if what you are doing is nice, it will be immediately evident.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

74. “Just as some things are too strange for fiction, others are too true for journalism.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

75. “Taxi drivers all over the world, by the way, are under Newspaper Guild contract to give easy quotes to foreign correspondents.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

76. “Intelligence collection has been given an additional bureaucracy to correct the problems created by too much bureaucracy in intelligence collection.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

77. “When a thing defies physical law, there’s usually politics involved.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

78. “Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

79. “I can understand why mankind hasn’t given up war. During a war you get to drive tanks through the sides of buildings and shoot foreigners – two things that are usually frowned on during peacetime.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

80. “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

81. “You may be surprised to discover you’re rich, especially if you’re broke.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

82. “One of the reporters must have flunked journalism school because he asked a question that went straight to the point.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

83. “Smoking is very bad for you and should only be done because it looks so good. People who don’t smoke have a terrible time finding something polite to do with their lips.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

84. “The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

85. “Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you’ve half a bottle of Chivas in the bag with a gram of coke up your nose and a teenage lovely pulling off her tube top in the next seat over while you’re doing a hundred miles an hour in a suburban side street.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

86. “A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should be either nude, or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

87. “The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

88. “Smoking cigarettes seems to alarm peace activists much more than voting for Reagan does.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

89. “I remember thinking cocaine was subtle until I noticed I’d been awake for three weeks and didn’t know any of the naked people passed out around me.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

90. “It remains to be seen which program will cause greater societal damage: China’s one-child policy or America’s one-parent policy.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

91. “Never Refuse Wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn’t drink must be an alcoholic.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

92. “A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you’ll never be forgiven if you don’t live up to it.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

93. “Any random group of thirty Vietnamese women will contain a dozen who make Julia Roberts look like Lyle Lovett.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

94. “Everything that’s fun in life is dangerous. And everything that isn’t fun is dangerous too. It’s impossible to be alive and safe.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

95. “Man developed in Africa. He has not continued to do so there.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

96. “The America’s Cup is like driving your Lamborgini to the Gran Prix track to watch the charter buses race.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

97. “Fretting about overpopulation, is a perfect guilt-free – indeed, sanctimonious – way for progressives to be racists.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

98. “El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus – and this was a relief – no Californians.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

99. “Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?”

— P.J. O'Rourke

100. “Guns are always the best method for a private suicide. They are more stylish looking than single-edged razor blades and natural gas has got so expensive. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time.”

— P.J. O'Rourke