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Top 400 P.J. O'Rourke Quotes (2025 Update)
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P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “To really enjoy drugs you’ve got to want to get out of where you are. But there are some wheres that are harder to get out of than others. This is the drug-taking problem for adults. Teenage Weltscbmerz is easy to escape. But what drug will get a grown-up out of, for instance, debt?”

251. “To really enjoy drugs you’ve got to want to get out of where you are. But there are some wheres that are harder to get out of than others. This is the drug-taking problem for adults. Teenage Weltscbmerz is easy to escape. But what drug will get a grown-up out of, for instance, debt?”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “We won’t dispassionately investigate or rationally debate which drugs do what damage and whether or how much of that damage is the result of criminalization. We’d rather work ourselves into a screaming fit of puritanism and then go home and take a pill.”

252. “We won’t dispassionately investigate or rationally debate which drugs do what damage and whether or how much of that damage is the result of criminalization. We’d rather work ourselves into a screaming fit of puritanism and then go home and take a pill.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “My Grandmother wouldn’t even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she’d say Bastards instead.”

253. “My Grandmother wouldn’t even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she’d say Bastards instead.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.”

254. “A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The day was warm and clear. Kids were playing soccer in the parking lots and women were sunning their babies and having their tea all over the lawns. The scene was entirely too cheery for journalism.”

255. “The day was warm and clear. Kids were playing soccer in the parking lots and women were sunning their babies and having their tea all over the lawns. The scene was entirely too cheery for journalism.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, “Soon you’ll be finished with dinner.””

256. “Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, “Soon you’ll be finished with dinner.””

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Jesse Jackson was spending time with his family, or families.”

257. “Jesse Jackson was spending time with his family, or families.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Industrialization came to England but has since left.”

258. “Industrialization came to England but has since left.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “There’s not a woman in the book, the plot hinges on unkindness to animals, and the black characters mostly drown by Chapter 29.”

259. “There’s not a woman in the book, the plot hinges on unkindness to animals, and the black characters mostly drown by Chapter 29.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.”

260. “The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The Republican convention, an event with the intellectual content of a Guns’n’Roses lyric attended by every ofay insurance brokerin America who owns a pair of white shoes.”

261. “The Republican convention, an event with the intellectual content of a Guns’n’Roses lyric attended by every ofay insurance brokerin America who owns a pair of white shoes.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Never strike anyone so old, small or weak that verbal abuse would have sufficed.”

262. “Never strike anyone so old, small or weak that verbal abuse would have sufficed.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The wonder is that communism lasted so long. But then again, modern poetry lasted a long time, too.”

263. “The wonder is that communism lasted so long. But then again, modern poetry lasted a long time, too.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Fortunately, I’m married to someone who’s a pretty excellent parent!”

264. “Fortunately, I’m married to someone who’s a pretty excellent parent!”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Journalists are notoriously easy to kid. All you have to do is speak to a journalist in a very serious tone of voice, and he will be certain that you are either telling the truth or a big, important lie.”

265. “Journalists are notoriously easy to kid. All you have to do is speak to a journalist in a very serious tone of voice, and he will be certain that you are either telling the truth or a big, important lie.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Humor is a terrific tool for explaining things, especially when what you’re explaining is frightening or dull and complicated.”

266. “Humor is a terrific tool for explaining things, especially when what you’re explaining is frightening or dull and complicated.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Journalists aren’t supposed to praise things. It’s a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.”

267. “Journalists aren’t supposed to praise things. It’s a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Haitians weren’t screwed-up, but everything political, intellectual, and material around them is.”

268. “Haitians weren’t screwed-up, but everything political, intellectual, and material around them is.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.”

269. “Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Daniel Patrick Moynihan is the archetypal extremely smart person who went into politics anyway instead of doing something worthwhile for his country.”

270. “Daniel Patrick Moynihan is the archetypal extremely smart person who went into politics anyway instead of doing something worthwhile for his country.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a ‘learning experience.’ Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a ‘learning experience.’ It makes me feel less stupid.”

271. “I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a ‘learning experience.’ Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a ‘learning experience.’ It makes me feel less stupid.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically.”

272. “Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “You don’t despair about something like the Middle East, you just do the best you can.”

273. “You don’t despair about something like the Middle East, you just do the best you can.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.”

274. “Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The complexity of economics can be calculated mathematically. Write out the algebraic equation that is the human heart and multiply each unknown by the population of the world.”

275. “The complexity of economics can be calculated mathematically. Write out the algebraic equation that is the human heart and multiply each unknown by the population of the world.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.”

276. “Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The American political system is like fast food – mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things and everybody wants some.”

277. “The American political system is like fast food – mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things and everybody wants some.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I’m old enough to remember when the air over American cities was a lot dirtier than it is now.”

278. “I’m old enough to remember when the air over American cities was a lot dirtier than it is now.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it’s simply a measurement.”

279. “People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it’s simply a measurement.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children.”

280. “Vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Politicians are wonderful people as longa as they stay away from things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.”

281. “Politicians are wonderful people as longa as they stay away from things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn’t. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times.”

282. “In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn’t. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “There’s nothing more oily and cynical in politics than telling the truth.”

283. “There’s nothing more oily and cynical in politics than telling the truth.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information.”

284. “Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The body is forever teaching us lessons. There are all sorts of things that we can’t do, shouldn’t do, had better not do very often or do for too long as we get older. The body makes its presence known.”

285. “The body is forever teaching us lessons. There are all sorts of things that we can’t do, shouldn’t do, had better not do very often or do for too long as we get older. The body makes its presence known.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.”

286. “Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “It is a law of governance that democracies have to spend themselves dizzy. Citizens of democracies can, after all, tell their government to give them things.”

287. “It is a law of governance that democracies have to spend themselves dizzy. Citizens of democracies can, after all, tell their government to give them things.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. I remember it made you think you couldn’t stand up, and mostly it was right.”

288. “Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. I remember it made you think you couldn’t stand up, and mostly it was right.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.”

289. “The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can’t obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?”

290. “What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can’t obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Who, other than a crazy person, does anything besides hang up on a robo-call? Any call, any person, anywhere, under any circumstances.”

291. “Who, other than a crazy person, does anything besides hang up on a robo-call? Any call, any person, anywhere, under any circumstances.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The problem isn’t a Congress that won’t cut spending or a president who won’t raise taxes. The problem is an American public with a bottomless sense of entitlement to federal money.”

292. “The problem isn’t a Congress that won’t cut spending or a president who won’t raise taxes. The problem is an American public with a bottomless sense of entitlement to federal money.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Rich parents are famous both for miserliness and astonishing longevity. And, when they finally do die, you’ll find they’ve left their estate in inviolate trust to the golden retrievers.”

293. “Rich parents are famous both for miserliness and astonishing longevity. And, when they finally do die, you’ll find they’ve left their estate in inviolate trust to the golden retrievers.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.”

294. “Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “That doesn’t mean that you should just sit back and just let accidents happen to you. No, you have to go out and cause them yourself. That way you’re in control of the situation.”

295. “That doesn’t mean that you should just sit back and just let accidents happen to you. No, you have to go out and cause them yourself. That way you’re in control of the situation.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Italy is not technically part of the Third World, but no one has told the Italians.”

296. “Italy is not technically part of the Third World, but no one has told the Italians.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.”

297. “Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can’t get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches.”

298. “For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can’t get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Creative writing teachers should be purged until every last instructor who has uttered the words ‘Write what you know’ is confined to a labor camp. Please, talented scribblers, write what you don’t. The blind guy with the funny little harp who composed The Iliad, how much combat do you think he saw?”

299. “Creative writing teachers should be purged until every last instructor who has uttered the words ‘Write what you know’ is confined to a labor camp. Please, talented scribblers, write what you don’t. The blind guy with the funny little harp who composed The Iliad, how much combat do you think he saw?”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn’t matter.”

300. “In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn’t matter.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

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