Top 400 P.J. O'Rourke Quotes (2024 Update)
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P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The Chinese had gunpowder, but it didn’t occur to them to put it in a gun. They possessed the compass but didn’t go anywhere. They invented paper, printing, and a written form of their language, but hardly anyone in China was taught to read.”

101. “The Chinese had gunpowder, but it didn’t occur to them to put it in a gun. They possessed the compass but didn’t go anywhere. They invented paper, printing, and a written form of their language, but hardly anyone in China was taught to read.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.”

102. “Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Stay away from girls who cry a lot or who look like they get pregnant easily or have careers.”

103. “Stay away from girls who cry a lot or who look like they get pregnant easily or have careers.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The interesting thing about staring down a gun barrel is how small the hole is where the bullet comes out, yet what a big difference it would make in your social schedule.”

104. “The interesting thing about staring down a gun barrel is how small the hole is where the bullet comes out, yet what a big difference it would make in your social schedule.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn’t do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.”

105. “Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn’t do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The neo-hippie-dips, the sentimentality-crazed iguana anthropomorphizers, the Chicken Littles, the three-bong-hit William Blakes- thank God these people don’t actually go outdoors much, or the environment would be even worse than it is already.”

106. “The neo-hippie-dips, the sentimentality-crazed iguana anthropomorphizers, the Chicken Littles, the three-bong-hit William Blakes- thank God these people don’t actually go outdoors much, or the environment would be even worse than it is already.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Greatest generation came through some stuff that we can’t even imagine – the Depression, World War I – and all they wanted after that was a breather and a calm and a quiet life, and they get us.”

107. “Greatest generation came through some stuff that we can’t even imagine – the Depression, World War I – and all they wanted after that was a breather and a calm and a quiet life, and they get us.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Last year, on a long car trip, I was listening to Rush Limbaugh shout. I usually agree with Rush Limbaugh; therefore I usually don’t listen to him. I listen to NPR: “World to end-poor and minorities hardest hit.” I like to argue with the radio.”

108. “Last year, on a long car trip, I was listening to Rush Limbaugh shout. I usually agree with Rush Limbaugh; therefore I usually don’t listen to him. I listen to NPR: “World to end-poor and minorities hardest hit.” I like to argue with the radio.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “There are plenty of problems in the world, and doubtless climate change – or whatever the currently voguish phrase for it all is – certainly is one of them. But it’s low on my list.”

109. “There are plenty of problems in the world, and doubtless climate change – or whatever the currently voguish phrase for it all is – certainly is one of them. But it’s low on my list.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The Middle Eastern states aren’t nations; they’re quarrels with borders.”

110. “The Middle Eastern states aren’t nations; they’re quarrels with borders.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “God has no role to play in politics except to make sure politicians go where they belong. To hell.”

111. “God has no role to play in politics except to make sure politicians go where they belong. To hell.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The great thing about starting golf in your forties is that you can start golf in your forties. You can start other things in your forties but generally your wife makes you stop them, as Bill Clinton found out.”

112. “The great thing about starting golf in your forties is that you can start golf in your forties. You can start other things in your forties but generally your wife makes you stop them, as Bill Clinton found out.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they’d better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.”

113. “If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they’d better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Never steal anything so small that you’ll have to go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum-security federal tennis prison.”

114. “Never steal anything so small that you’ll have to go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum-security federal tennis prison.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.”

115. “Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.”

116. “Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The Tenth Commandment sends a message to socialists, to egalitarians, to people obsessed with fairness, to American presidential candidates in the year 2000 – to everyone who believes that wealth should be redistributed. And that message is clear and concise: Go to Hell.”

117. “The Tenth Commandment sends a message to socialists, to egalitarians, to people obsessed with fairness, to American presidential candidates in the year 2000 – to everyone who believes that wealth should be redistributed. And that message is clear and concise: Go to Hell.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Liberals have a quaint and touching faith that truth is on their side and an even quainter faith that journalists are on the side of truth.”

118. “Liberals have a quaint and touching faith that truth is on their side and an even quainter faith that journalists are on the side of truth.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.”

119. “The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.”

120. “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it’s very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.”

121. “Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it’s very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself.”

122. “There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “People have a right to my food, a right to my housing, and a right to my good job for my decent pay.”

123. “People have a right to my food, a right to my housing, and a right to my good job for my decent pay.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “People shouldn’t be treated like objects. They aren’t that valuable.”

124. “People shouldn’t be treated like objects. They aren’t that valuable.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The founding fathers, in their wisdom, devised a method by which our republic can take one hundred of its most prominent numbskulls and keep them out of the private sector where they might do actual harm.”

125. “The founding fathers, in their wisdom, devised a method by which our republic can take one hundred of its most prominent numbskulls and keep them out of the private sector where they might do actual harm.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The Democrats said, “We don’t know what’s wrong with America, but we can fix it.” The Republicans said, “There’s nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that.””

126. “The Democrats said, “We don’t know what’s wrong with America, but we can fix it.” The Republicans said, “There’s nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that.””

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Wearing a hat implies that you are bald if you are a man and that your hair is dirty if you are a woman.”

127. “Wearing a hat implies that you are bald if you are a man and that your hair is dirty if you are a woman.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world.”

128. “At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “It’s better to make fun of yourself because you’ve always got someone around to make fun of, and they can’t sue you.”

129. “It’s better to make fun of yourself because you’ve always got someone around to make fun of, and they can’t sue you.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The free market is ugly and stupid, like going to the mall; the unfree market is just as ugly and just as stupid, except there is nothing in the mall and if you don’t go there they shoot you.”

130. “The free market is ugly and stupid, like going to the mall; the unfree market is just as ugly and just as stupid, except there is nothing in the mall and if you don’t go there they shoot you.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I believe that Western civilization, after some disgusting glitches, has become almost civilized. I believe it is our first duty to protect that civilization. I believe it is our second duty to improve it. I believe it is our third duty to extend it if we can.”

131. “I believe that Western civilization, after some disgusting glitches, has become almost civilized. I believe it is our first duty to protect that civilization. I believe it is our second duty to improve it. I believe it is our third duty to extend it if we can.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The old woman was not only ugly with the ugliness age brings us all but showed signs of formidable ugliness by birth – pickle-jar chin, mainsail ears and a nose like a trigonometry problem. What’s more, she had the deep frown and snit wrinkles that come from a lifetime of bad character.”

132. “The old woman was not only ugly with the ugliness age brings us all but showed signs of formidable ugliness by birth – pickle-jar chin, mainsail ears and a nose like a trigonometry problem. What’s more, she had the deep frown and snit wrinkles that come from a lifetime of bad character.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you’ll wish you were, too.”

133. “Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you’ll wish you were, too.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.”

134. “Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.”

135. “Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Hubris is one of the great renewable resources.”

136. “Hubris is one of the great renewable resources.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “You can’t get rid of poverty by giving people money.”

137. “You can’t get rid of poverty by giving people money.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please.”

138. “There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Who does Bill Clinton think got off the boat and stepped on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers?”

139. “Who does Bill Clinton think got off the boat and stepped on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers?”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Anything that makes your mother cry is fun.”

140. “Anything that makes your mother cry is fun.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes.”

141. “The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.”

142. “Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Poverty can’t be eliminated by punishing people who’ve escaped poverty.”

143. “Poverty can’t be eliminated by punishing people who’ve escaped poverty.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.”

144. “The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Adam Smith’s huge failure was the fact that he did not foresee the industrial revolution.”

145. “Adam Smith’s huge failure was the fact that he did not foresee the industrial revolution.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing.”

146. “Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Gambling is so pervasive in Nevada that maybe the state should just go the whole hog. There’d be gum machines that dispensed chewing tobacco if you lost. You could gamble for the toilet paper in public bathroom stalls. And fill out Keno cards in an attempt to win cancer therapy at the hospital.”

147. “Gambling is so pervasive in Nevada that maybe the state should just go the whole hog. There’d be gum machines that dispensed chewing tobacco if you lost. You could gamble for the toilet paper in public bathroom stalls. And fill out Keno cards in an attempt to win cancer therapy at the hospital.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “In case we have to shoot Democrats. It happened during the Civil War, and it could happen again.”

148. “In case we have to shoot Democrats. It happened during the Civil War, and it could happen again.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.”

149. “One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren’t present.”

150. “Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren’t present.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

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