Top 100

Top 400 P.J. O'Rourke Quotes (2024 Update)
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P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Italy is not technically part of the Third World, but no one has told the Italians.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I do have to travel a lot for speaking engagements.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn’t matter.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Rich white Protestant men have held on to some measure of power in America almost solely by getting women, blacks, and other disadvantaged groups to wear crippling foot fashions. This keeps them too busy with corns and bunions to compete in the job market.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they’ve got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “That happy sense of purpose people have when standing up for a principle they haven’t really been knocked down for yet.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Imagine a weight-loss program at the end of which, instead of better health, good looks, and hot romantic prospects, you die. Somalia had become just this kind of spa.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I have, of all the inglorious things, a malignant hemorrhoid. What color bracelet does one wear for that? And where does one wear it? And what slogan is apropos? Perhaps that slogan can be sewn in needlepoint around the ruffle on a cover for my embarrassing little doughnut buttocks pillow.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I’ve always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He’d have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so big if God had been his wife.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Humans have trouble with economics, as you may have noticed, and not just because economic circumstances sometimes cause them to starve. Humans seem to have an innate inability to pay attention to economic principles.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Government does not cause affluence. Citizens of totalitarian countries have plenty of government and nothing of anything else.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I’ve been a New Yorker for ten years, and the only people who are nice to us turn out to be Moonies.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “That is the really great thing about being an adult male, once you get married and have children the whole decision-making process is taken out of your hands, and I for one am extremely grateful.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The only time a bachelor’s bed is made is when it’s in the factory.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Australia is not very exclusive. On the visa application they still ask if you’ve been convicted of a felony – although they are willing to give you a visa even if you haven’t been.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “When a couple decides to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism, and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven – God’s Steuben ashtray, maybe.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The Italians have had 2,000 years to fix up the Forum and just look at the place!”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The American political system is like fast food – mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things and everybody wants some.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Zero-sum thinking is an obsession of mine, but mostly in economics.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “This is the most elaborate and luxurious method of convincing others that you can cook. Take everybody out on your yacht until they’re green in the face. Then you can rave for weeks about your sauce marinara and no one will gainsay you...”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “People are always angry at America. They’re absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “In theory, taxes should be like shopping. What I buy is government services. What I pay are my taxes.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I’m a political conservative.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I’m here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “What would annoy the most people most often? That is the true left-wing test of government intervention.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Not being a liberal, I have very little grasp of things that I know nothing about.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “If the wind is blowing like stink and everything is working right, a twelve-meter sailboat can go eleven and a half or twelve miles an hour, the same speed at which a bond lawyer runs around the Cental Park Reservoir.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I try to ONLY ridicule people who’s efforts are sincere. Very little trouble has been caused in the world by insincere efforts. An occasional seduction maybe. There were very few insincere Stalinists or Nazis.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Because of their cuisine, Germans don’t consider farting rude. They’d certainly be out of luck if they did.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Some people are better imagined in one’s bed than found there in the morning.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Anyone who thinks he has a better idea of what’s good for people than people do is a swine.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The average IQ in America is – and this can be proven mathematically – average.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners – Stalin, for example – must have realized a nuclear war would be a hard thing to clean up after.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “So what if I don’t agree with the Democrats? What’s to disagree with? They believe everything. And what they don’t believe, the Republicans do. Neither of them stands for anything they believe in, anyway.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “A world government run by the UN will be like getting an old, purblind, half-deaf substitute teacher.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I rarely meet a politician that I don’t like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “If we want the whole world to be rich, we need to start loving wealth. In the difference between poverty and plenty, the problem is the pverty, not the difference. Wealth is good.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “One thing talk can’t accomplish is communication. This is because everybody’s talking too much to pay attention to what anyone is saying.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “When Adam Smith was being incomprehensible, he didn’t have the luxury of brief, snappy technical terms as a shorthand for incoherence.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The inherent purpose of American government is let people seek their own goals and to encourage them to be responsible on the various adventures they have on their way to those goals, good, bad, and otherwise.”
P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it’s not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment.”
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