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Top 400 P.J. O'Rourke Quotes (2026 Update)
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P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.”

301. “Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “That is the really great thing about being an adult male, once you get married and have children the whole decision-making process is taken out of your hands, and I for one am extremely grateful.”

302. “That is the really great thing about being an adult male, once you get married and have children the whole decision-making process is taken out of your hands, and I for one am extremely grateful.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Daniel Patrick Moynihan is the archetypal extremely smart person who went into politics anyway instead of doing something worthwhile for his country.”

303. “Daniel Patrick Moynihan is the archetypal extremely smart person who went into politics anyway instead of doing something worthwhile for his country.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Journalists aren’t supposed to praise things. It’s a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.”

304. “Journalists aren’t supposed to praise things. It’s a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “One of these suburbs is actually named Stalingrad, which goes to show that the French have learned nothing about politics since they guillotined all the smart people in 1793.”

305. “One of these suburbs is actually named Stalingrad, which goes to show that the French have learned nothing about politics since they guillotined all the smart people in 1793.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “There’s nothing more oily and cynical in politics than telling the truth.”

306. “There’s nothing more oily and cynical in politics than telling the truth.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Satire doesn’t effect change.”

307. “Satire doesn’t effect change.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I’ve always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He’d have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.”

308. “I’ve always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He’d have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “How much fame, money and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?”

309. “How much fame, money and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.”

310. “If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “It is a law of governance that democracies have to spend themselves dizzy. Citizens of democracies can, after all, tell their government to give them things.”

311. “It is a law of governance that democracies have to spend themselves dizzy. Citizens of democracies can, after all, tell their government to give them things.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Creative writing teachers should be purged until every last instructor who has uttered the words ‘Write what you know’ is confined to a labor camp. Please, talented scribblers, write what you don’t. The blind guy with the funny little harp who composed The Iliad, how much combat do you think he saw?”

312. “Creative writing teachers should be purged until every last instructor who has uttered the words ‘Write what you know’ is confined to a labor camp. Please, talented scribblers, write what you don’t. The blind guy with the funny little harp who composed The Iliad, how much combat do you think he saw?”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Rich parents are famous both for miserliness and astonishing longevity. And, when they finally do die, you’ll find they’ve left their estate in inviolate trust to the golden retrievers.”

313. “Rich parents are famous both for miserliness and astonishing longevity. And, when they finally do die, you’ll find they’ve left their estate in inviolate trust to the golden retrievers.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn’t. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times.”

314. “In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn’t. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I rarely meet a politician that I don’t like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.”

315. “I rarely meet a politician that I don’t like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “One thing talk can’t accomplish is communication. This is because everybody’s talking too much to pay attention to what anyone is saying.”

316. “One thing talk can’t accomplish is communication. This is because everybody’s talking too much to pay attention to what anyone is saying.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “When a couple decides to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism, and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along.”

317. “When a couple decides to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism, and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Because of their cuisine, Germans don’t consider farting rude. They’d certainly be out of luck if they did.”

318. “Because of their cuisine, Germans don’t consider farting rude. They’d certainly be out of luck if they did.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Zero-sum thinking is an obsession of mine, but mostly in economics.”

319. “Zero-sum thinking is an obsession of mine, but mostly in economics.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can’t get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches.”

320. “For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can’t get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “In theory, taxes should be like shopping. What I buy is government services. What I pay are my taxes.”

321. “In theory, taxes should be like shopping. What I buy is government services. What I pay are my taxes.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Government does not cause affluence. Citizens of totalitarian countries have plenty of government and nothing of anything else.”

322. “Government does not cause affluence. Citizens of totalitarian countries have plenty of government and nothing of anything else.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I’ve been a New Yorker for ten years, and the only people who are nice to us turn out to be Moonies.”

323. “I’ve been a New Yorker for ten years, and the only people who are nice to us turn out to be Moonies.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I do have to travel a lot for speaking engagements.”

324. “I do have to travel a lot for speaking engagements.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they’ve got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.”

325. “Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they’ve got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.”

326. “These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “This is the most elaborate and luxurious method of convincing others that you can cook. Take everybody out on your yacht until they’re green in the face. Then you can rave for weeks about your sauce marinara and no one will gainsay you...”

327. “This is the most elaborate and luxurious method of convincing others that you can cook. Take everybody out on your yacht until they’re green in the face. Then you can rave for weeks about your sauce marinara and no one will gainsay you...”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.”

328. “Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The people I see on bicycles look like organic-gardening zealots who advocate federal regulation of bedtime and want American foreign policy to be dictated by UNICEF. These people should be confined.”

329. “The people I see on bicycles look like organic-gardening zealots who advocate federal regulation of bedtime and want American foreign policy to be dictated by UNICEF. These people should be confined.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “No government proposal more complicated than “This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private” ever works.”

330. “No government proposal more complicated than “This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private” ever works.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Soldiers are not policemen, and it’s very unfair, even for those soldiers who have some police training, to burden them with police duties. It’s not what they’re trained for, or equipped for.”

331. “Soldiers are not policemen, and it’s very unfair, even for those soldiers who have some police training, to burden them with police duties. It’s not what they’re trained for, or equipped for.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Liberal institutions straightway cease from being liberal the moment they are soundly established: once this is attained no more grievous and more thorough enemies of freedom exist than liberal institutions.”

332. “Liberal institutions straightway cease from being liberal the moment they are soundly established: once this is attained no more grievous and more thorough enemies of freedom exist than liberal institutions.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I have, of all the inglorious things, a malignant hemorrhoid. What color bracelet does one wear for that? And where does one wear it? And what slogan is apropos? Perhaps that slogan can be sewn in needlepoint around the ruffle on a cover for my embarrassing little doughnut buttocks pillow.”

333. “I have, of all the inglorious things, a malignant hemorrhoid. What color bracelet does one wear for that? And where does one wear it? And what slogan is apropos? Perhaps that slogan can be sewn in needlepoint around the ruffle on a cover for my embarrassing little doughnut buttocks pillow.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so big if God had been his wife.”

334. “Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so big if God had been his wife.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers. Judging by the paintings I saw, the Soviets were right the first time.”

335. “There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers. Judging by the paintings I saw, the Soviets were right the first time.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Rich white Protestant men have held on to some measure of power in America almost solely by getting women, blacks, and other disadvantaged groups to wear crippling foot fashions. This keeps them too busy with corns and bunions to compete in the job market.”

336. “Rich white Protestant men have held on to some measure of power in America almost solely by getting women, blacks, and other disadvantaged groups to wear crippling foot fashions. This keeps them too busy with corns and bunions to compete in the job market.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The average IQ in America is – and this can be proven mathematically – average.”

337. “The average IQ in America is – and this can be proven mathematically – average.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.”

338. “Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven – God’s Steuben ashtray, maybe.”

339. “The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven – God’s Steuben ashtray, maybe.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Anyone who thinks he has a better idea of what’s good for people than people do is a swine.”

340. “Anyone who thinks he has a better idea of what’s good for people than people do is a swine.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I’m here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures.”

341. “I’m here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books.”

342. “I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please.”

343. “Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “I’m a political conservative.”

344. “I’m a political conservative.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Humans have trouble with economics, as you may have noticed, and not just because economic circumstances sometimes cause them to starve. Humans seem to have an innate inability to pay attention to economic principles.”

345. “Humans have trouble with economics, as you may have noticed, and not just because economic circumstances sometimes cause them to starve. Humans seem to have an innate inability to pay attention to economic principles.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The only time a bachelor’s bed is made is when it’s in the factory.”

346. “The only time a bachelor’s bed is made is when it’s in the factory.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “A world government run by the UN will be like getting an old, purblind, half-deaf substitute teacher.”

347. “A world government run by the UN will be like getting an old, purblind, half-deaf substitute teacher.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “People are always angry at America. They’re absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans.”

348. “People are always angry at America. They’re absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it’s not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment.”

349. “Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it’s not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment.”

— P.J. O'Rourke

P.J. O'Rourke Quote: “The Italians have had 2,000 years to fix up the Forum and just look at the place!”

350. “The Italians have had 2,000 years to fix up the Forum and just look at the place!”

— P.J. O'Rourke

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