Top 100 Robert Orben Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Wait’ll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.”

— Robert Orben

52. “I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there’s never one around.”

— Robert Orben

53. “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.”

— Robert Orben

54. “Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That’s why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.”

— Robert Orben

55. “A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.”

— Robert Orben

56. “For Father’s Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It’s appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.”

— Robert Orben

57. “Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.”

— Robert Orben

58. “The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they’d tip.”

— Robert Orben

59. “They’re combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don’t want triplets.”

— Robert Orben

60. “I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it ‘arm around the shoulder’ humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It’s mean, mean stuff.”

— Robert Orben

61. “A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that “individuality” is the key to success.”

— Robert Orben

62. “Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He’d go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.”

— Robert Orben

63. “I don’t see why religion and science can’t cooperate. What’s wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?”

— Robert Orben

64. “Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It’s a bonding influence.”

— Robert Orben

65. “My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she’s as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.”

— Robert Orben

66. “Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.”

— Robert Orben

67. “I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.”

— Robert Orben

68. “To exercise is human; not to is divine.”

— Robert Orben

69. “I value people with a conscience. It’s like a beeper from God.”

— Robert Orben

70. “I’d like to say a few words about one of the most popular concepts in the modern education – show and tell. Show and Tell is a device created by grammar schools to communicate family secrets to 32 other families before 9:15 am in the morning.”

— Robert Orben

71. “As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.”

— Robert Orben

72. “Nowadays, you cannot be a very Effective political figure without Having a demonstrable sense of humor. People take to it.”

— Robert Orben

73. “Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?”

— Robert Orben

74. “Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?”

— Robert Orben

75. “Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I’m down to mine and it hasn’t.”

— Robert Orben

76. “Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.”

— Robert Orben

77. “The secret of writing comedy is to know where it’s all going, then get ahead of it.”

— Robert Orben

78. “It’s an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn’t had a birthday in seven years.”

— Robert Orben

79. “If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.”

— Robert Orben

80. “I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.”

— Robert Orben

81. “I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it – after all, they’ve already given us tasteless bread.”

— Robert Orben

82. “Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!”

— Robert Orben

83. “Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.”

— Robert Orben

84. “These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.”

— Robert Orben

85. “It’s mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You’re not paying me for a joke, You’re paying me for the right joke.”

— Robert Orben

86. “I’d be surprised if Ronald Reagan doesn’t run again. To us it’s a second term. To him it’s a double feature.”

— Robert Orben

87. “We’re supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I’ve never met a family adviser. They’re all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.”

— Robert Orben

88. “You wouldn’t want Alan Greenspan to write the instructions for assembling a beach chair.”

— Robert Orben

89. “President Ford used humor a great deal.”

— Robert Orben

90. “The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.”

— Robert Orben

91. “Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That’s how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.”

— Robert Orben

92. “Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.”

— Robert Orben

93. “What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?”

— Robert Orben

94. “With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they’d bust it to Corporal!”

— Robert Orben

95. “New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn’t for muggings there wouldn’t be any contact at all!”

— Robert Orben

96. “Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?”

— Robert Orben

97. “Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.”

— Robert Orben

98. “Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?”

— Robert Orben

99. “Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.”

— Robert Orben

100. “What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.”

— Robert Orben