Top 60 Funny Work Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Humor Quotes

2. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Quotes About Writing, Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

3. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Humor Quotes

4. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Clever Quotes, Witty Quotes, Monday Quotes

5. “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

— Groucho Marx

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Witty Quotes

6. “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’”

— Dave Barry

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Humor Quotes

7. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”

— Will Rogers

Also featured in: Success Quotes, Funny Quotes, Interesting Quotes, Clever Quotes

8. “A computer is like air conditioning – it becomes useless when you open Windows.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Clever Quotes, Technology Quotes

9. “Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

— Robert A. Heinlein

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

10. “A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

11. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

— Groucho Marx

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Quotes About Books And Reading, Crazy Quotes, Clever Quotes

12. “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Time Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

13. “Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.”

— Doug Larson

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Boss Quotes

14. “Nobody actually creates perfect code the first time around, except me. But there’s only one of me.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Programming Quotes, Ego Quotes

15. “We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Science Quotes, Technology Quotes

16. “They don’t think it is like it is, but it is.”

— Oscar Gamble

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sports Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

17. “Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.”

— Stephen Hawking

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Short Quotes About Life, Science Quotes

18. “Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes

19. “Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Fiction Quotes, Real Quotes

20. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes

21. “Backups are for wimps. Real men upload their data to an FTP site and have everyone else mirror it.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Funny Quotes

22. “If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Creative Quotes

23. “Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.”

— Ricky Gervais

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Different Quotes, Monday Quotes

24. “With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.”

— Rick Riordan

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life, Tired Quotes

25. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t know where it’s going. I just hope to find it somewhere along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.”

— Michael Scott

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Creative Quotes, Boss Quotes

26. “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Fiction Quotes, Silly Quotes

27. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

— A. A. Milne

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Different Quotes, Procrastination Quotes

28. “Don't believe anything you read on the net. Except this. Well, including this, I suppose.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Creative Quotes

29. “The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.”

— David Ogilvy

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Creativity Quotes, Humor Quotes

30. “It’s like deja-vu, all over again.”

— Yogi Berra

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Athlete Quotes, Silly Quotes

31. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

— Bob Hope

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Quotes About Money, Hilarious Quotes, Witty Quotes

32. “In order to fly, all one must do is simply miss the ground.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Different Quotes, Creative Quotes

33. “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”

— Yogi Berra

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Athlete Quotes, Future Quotes, Different Quotes

34. “In the insurance business, there is no statute of limitation on stupidity.”

— Warren Buffett

Also featured in: Funny Quotes

35. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

36. “This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes

37. “The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.”

— Woody Allen

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Study Quotes

38. “When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Emotion Quotes, Different Quotes

39. “There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

40. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes

41. “Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor’s appointment.”

— Nick Offerman

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

42. “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.”

— Marshawn Lynch

Also featured in: Athlete Quotes, Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes

43. “Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Ego Quotes, Genius Quotes

44. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Quotes About Writing, Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

45. “The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes

46. “Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.”

— Scott Adams

Also featured in: Problem-Solving Quotes, Engineering Quotes, Anger Quotes

47. “What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.”

— Pearl Bailey

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Valentine's Day Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

48. “I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?”

— Ronald Reagan

49. “Go have fun and make money.”

— James Victore

Also featured in: Making Money Quotes

50. “Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.”

— Douglas R. Hofstadter

Also featured in: Expectations Quotes, Problem-Solving Quotes, Principles And Laws