Top 250 Zach Braff Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Some people just don’t want to put in the effort. I just show up and say some lines and I’m famous. Anyone living below the poverty line just needs to shape up or be shipped out, you know?”

— Zach Braff

52. “I could be one if I wanted to, I’m just way too overqualified for a job that simple.”

— Zach Braff

53. “Incognito mode? What do they have to hide? Zach Braff doesn’t have anything to hide – Zach Braff lays it all out there for everybody to see. That is Zach Braff’s secret to Zach Braff’s success.”

— Zach Braff

54. “People have called me fake, but personally, I don’t think I’m fake because I’m so insincere.”

— Zach Braff

55. “So for front-runners we have a black and a woman. It’s like being made to choose between syphilis or having and old man crap on your face. I would do the country a favor and run myself but I couldn’t deprive Hollywood of me for 4 years.”

— Zach Braff

56. “It blows my mind that there are people out there who deny the holocaust. Why would you ever deny such a great achievement. It’s like denying the cure for polio or something.”

— Zach Braff

57. “The fact that ‘Scrubs’ is so popular in Israel is very important to me. I feel like I’m helping to cancel out the thousands of years of oppression the Jewish people have suffered.”

— Zach Braff

58. “Yeah, the gay pride movement is precious and all, but I think it’s about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society.”

— Zach Braff

59. “It has been pretty much downhill ever since the 13th amendment.”

— Zach Braff

60. “I think slavery was an awful, awful period in our history, but when I look at what’s become of black culture since emancipation, I think you have to admit, maybe the Confederacy was on to something.”

— Zach Braff

61. “When you were a kid and the circus came to town it was awesome to see these little creatures, but these things go out of fashion, like polyester blazers with rolled up sleeves. We don’t have to suffer them anymore so why are there all these little people running around?”

— Zach Braff

62. “It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.”

— Zach Braff

63. “Now that ‘Scrubs’ is over, people seem to feel more comfortable telling me that I was a total douche to them for the past 8 years. And the whole time I’m thinking, ‘Who ARE you?’”

— Zach Braff

64. “I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don’t like Arabs.”

— Zach Braff

65. “Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they’re all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn’t sway that way, you know?”

— Zach Braff

66. “Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that’s where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.”

— Zach Braff

67. “If John McCain were really a war hero he would’ve won Vietnam.”

— Zach Braff

68. “I’ve never had much sympathy for orphans, I mean, when I was their age I would have killed to have no parents to make me clean my room and stuff.”

— Zach Braff

69. “I love signing autographs! Sometimes, when people ask me for one, I keep the photo for myself and frame it. It’s a Win-Win situation really; I get an extra 25 dollars in my pocket AND another portrait for my bedroom.”

— Zach Braff

70. “I’m not an hour late. You guys were just an hour early.”

— Zach Braff

71. “You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation.”

— Zach Braff

72. “I don’t know why people were so upset with me. Prince got his own symbol. I just wanted to adopt the handicap symbol as my own so I could park in handicap spots. Deformed people should be honored to park so close to me. Meeting a celebrity like me may give them hope in their mistake of a life.”

— Zach Braff

73. “I’m not lazy, I drive everywhere myself, the dog could’ve learned something from me.”

— Zach Braff

74. “Once both gay marriage and marijuana are finally legal, those of you against them are not invited to the really fun parties I’m gonna throw.”

— Zach Braff

75. “It’s not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It’s just that, we weren’t there, we don’t know.”

— Zach Braff

76. “People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he’s so great how come he can’t see? I mean, God doesn’t make mistakes, just look at me for example.”

— Zach Braff

77. “That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction.”

— Zach Braff

78. “You always see actors complaining about being typecast and ruining their career. Really, I don’t see the point in complaining. If the only role you can play well is a black dude, you’re never going to get ahead in this town, and you should just accept it.”

— Zach Braff

79. “The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick?”

— Zach Braff

80. “People compared Garden State to the Graduate, but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do?”

— Zach Braff

81. “Complete garbage. It’s like Garden State, but in outer space.”

— Zach Braff

82. “Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it’s turned into the lolocaust.”

— Zach Braff

83. “Seriously, when’s the last time you saw me wear shorts?”

— Zach Braff

84. “My favorite meal? It has to be furburgers everyday in the morning.”

— Zach Braff

85. “When I was told they wanted the show to be about doctors, I was a bit reluctant to sign on, you know? I thought, why have a show about doctors when we could have a show about the real heroes, you know, like me?”

— Zach Braff

86. “I think a big part of being a success is confidence. Just look at me, I know I’m successful, and I am.”

— Zach Braff

87. “If I wasn’t an actor? Hmm, I’d probably be a serial killer. I’m just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me.”

— Zach Braff

88. “I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there’s just no excuse. They’d be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper.”

— Zach Braff

89. “I don’t ask questions. I just figure the extra warm days are God’s way of rewarding me for Garden State.”

— Zach Braff

90. “My co-stars aren’t bad actors, but they’re no Zach Braff.”

— Zach Braff

91. “I had no interest in sports so I didn’t make friends in that traditional way where kids are in public school and they go and they join clubs, and play sports. So I kind of had to find my own way to make friends and get attention and so I just was the class clown.”

— Zach Braff

92. “I’ve had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can’t seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?”

— Zach Braff

93. “I figure it this way – if a woman claims she didn’t want me to fudge her, then you already know she’s a liar. So what the hell’s the point of a trial, y’know?”

— Zach Braff

94. “I’m a film geek man. I love toys. I love everything in filmmaking, so for me to just be around this technology is just so cool to watch it being used for the first time, some of the stuff.”

— Zach Braff

95. “Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that’s real power.”

— Zach Braff

96. “The biggest problem I had with starring in Scrubs were the black doctors. I just had to keep telling myself this show was satire.”

— Zach Braff

97. “I’m sure lots of actors and creative people go through this, where you have some weeks where it’s all going according to plan and some weeks where you’re super frustrated.”

— Zach Braff

98. “Every single person wants to do it, don’t hate me because I had the guts to follow my heart!”

— Zach Braff

99. “Most people just aren’t grateful for the lives they have, and it really saddens me. For instance, I said ‘hello’ to a man the other day, and he didn’t even recognize me. It just really saddens me.”

— Zach Braff

100. “I don’t even like the show that much, I mean, it’s about doctors. It’s not like doctors are as important as actors anyway, I bet I’ve saved more lives with my acting talent then any doctor has.”

— Zach Braff