Top 250 Zach Braff Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “You know, I’ve occasionally tried to watch other shows besides Scrubs, but comparing them is a bit like me competing in the special Olympics. Obviously I would win without contest, but the point is that they are trying their best.”

— Zach Braff

202. “My job as an actor has inspired generations of children to become doctors. My job as a writer has opened up the minds of millions. My job as a director has produced masterpieces that will be taught in film school for ages.”

— Zach Braff

203. “I’m a busy guy; I just get a lot of people that sound like me to go out and visit them. They don’t know the difference and, let’s face it, they aren’t going to be paying to see my movies anytime soon.”

— Zach Braff

204. “The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.”

— Zach Braff

205. “I’ve been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds.”

— Zach Braff

206. “I can’t say I agree with something that takes the focus away from me.”

— Zach Braff

207. “Let’s face it, it’s only called Scrubs because I’m saving ‘Zach Braff’ for my autobiography.”

— Zach Braff

208. “I’ve turned down a lot of proposed scripts for Scrubs episodes, mainly ones with AIDs patients. It sickens me, really. If you don’t want AIDs, don’t be a ice cream man. Or African. I’m neither and I’m fine.”

— Zach Braff

209. “I was originally casted to be in the Superman movie but I read the script and realized that it was mysteriously similar to my screenplay for Zach Braff the Movie.”

— Zach Braff

210. “In April 1975 I was born and the Vietnam War ended. I could not let any American die in war before seeing an episode of Scrubs.”

— Zach Braff

211. “Bigger than the Beatles? Well, how many grammys did they win? Exactly, none, yet I have one, and I’ve never even released a CD.”

— Zach Braff

212. “Lots of people were giving me flak when I made the deal to do the very last season of Scrubs for $350,000 an episode. When really I’m the one that’s being cheated, because the writer’s strike is keeping me from all the money that I could be making. I need to eat, too.”

— Zach Braff

213. “It’s always weird being the only white person in a group. It feels like everyone’s looking to me for guidance.”

— Zach Braff

214. “Probably the most memorable even of my life is when I was born. It really made me who I am. If I die, I hope to go out the same way I came in, but I don’t think my mother would be into that.”

— Zach Braff

215. “There is one person I can think of better than me. And that’s Zach Braff. What a cool guy.”

— Zach Braff

216. “Sometimes I regret not being Catholic. I think I’d make a pretty good saint.”

— Zach Braff

217. “I don’t think it’s that bad, I mean, I love people following me around and helping me do stuff.”

— Zach Braff

218. “If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they’re going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans.”

— Zach Braff

219. “The way I write is that I’ll actually have a conversation out loud with myself. In a weird way, I just kind of get schizophrenic and play two characters.”

— Zach Braff

220. “They say the number on rule in showbusiness is not to work with animals. I guess I’m above the rules because I put up with that for seven years.”

— Zach Braff

221. “I’ve always wanted to have kids of my own, it’s just tough finding a woman I wouldn’t be wasting my DNA on.”

— Zach Braff

222. “You know, I think there should be a Zach Braff Day. We could have it on December 25th and then people can decide whether they want to celebrate me or Jesus. If you ask me, the choice is pretty obvious.”

— Zach Braff

223. “I’d never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra.”

— Zach Braff

224. “I’m always being told by directors that I add chemistry to scenes, so I mean how difficult could it be?”

— Zach Braff

225. “Actually, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn’t making it to work on time.”

— Zach Braff

226. “I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me?”

— Zach Braff

227. “Actually when I gave out the script, I gave it with a CD of all the music I wanted to put in the movie, and again, we never thought we’d get all that music.”

— Zach Braff

228. “I’d like to think that my scripts are more significant than maybe the Bible or the book that the Jews use, whatever it’s called. And that’s only when I’m having an off day.”

— Zach Braff

229. “I didn’t necessarily have a total idea when I was writing the movie of where everything was going. I just wanted to have really realistic dialogue and write like people I knew talked. I tried to keep it very real.”

— Zach Braff

230. “I certainly do not consider myself the next Jesus. I’d say he was more of a precursor to Zach Braff.”

— Zach Braff

231. “I always wanted to direct movies. That’s what I set out to do. When I was a little kid I just dreamed of making movies, and I went to film school.”

— Zach Braff

232. “My tears cure cancer too, it’s just that I laugh at cancer patients.”

— Zach Braff

233. “It’s a good thing I’m a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty.”

— Zach Braff

234. “I think the Bible should be re-written for today’s society. We can call it ‘Scrubs.’”

— Zach Braff

235. “I don’t want to be one of those guys, but Snape DOES kill Dumbledore.”

— Zach Braff

236. “I definitely try to play a common man in my roles so people can identify with my characters, but the truth of the matter is that it doesn’t really matter what I do or my lines are, I’m still Zach Braff, and people know I’m better than them.”

— Zach Braff

237. “You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics...”

— Zach Braff

238. “I mean, so what if it’s a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.”

— Zach Braff

239. “I don’t have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie?”

— Zach Braff

240. “My dog has a cough. If you’ve never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It’s hilarious.”

— Zach Braff

241. “I know the Bible isn’t real because it never once mentions me.”

— Zach Braff

242. “When you win your first Grammy, it’s true, you really want to thank all the little people.”

— Zach Braff

243. “In a perfect world, everybody would be gay. I mean if everybody looked like Zach Braff, you just wouldn’t be able to resist.”

— Zach Braff

244. “I really don’t give a care, I’m going to live for ever.”

— Zach Braff

245. “Am I really gonna deny someone the opportunity of a lifetime just because they met me 5 easters early?”

— Zach Braff

246. “Look on the bright side; that’s one bullet that’s not going to hit me.”

— Zach Braff

247. “It’s just people trying to get on TV, not like it’s really going to do them any good since people can just watch me.”

— Zach Braff

248. “They don’t know I’m staring, what does it matter if I keep on doing it?”

— Zach Braff

249. “It raises several serious questions. For example, how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me?”

— Zach Braff

250. “I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write.”

— Zach Braff