Top 250 Zach Braff Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that.”

— Zach Braff

102. “Didn’t we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?”

— Zach Braff

103. “You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.”

— Zach Braff

104. “I’m hanging out with my New York friends, my Jersey boys, my family and loving every single second of it.”

— Zach Braff

105. “I don’t care about image and all that nonsense. I’m in sweat pants every day. I don’t play the game at all.”

— Zach Braff

106. “I don’t think it’s a black and white issue. If a man’s family is starving so to speak, I don’t think I’ll hold it against him for stealing a loaf of bread.”

— Zach Braff

107. “At this point I feel like I could go out and accomplish anything. I’d just love to see Will Smith’s face if he found out I, Z-Braff, have the number one rap album in the country. That’d show that no-talent uncle tom.”

— Zach Braff

108. “I really like just super dry comedy.”

— Zach Braff

109. “People ask me, ‘Did the fame come too fast? Do you ever wish for your old life?’ I always tell them that there’s nothing on earth better than being famous.”

— Zach Braff

110. “I donno, it’s not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine.”

— Zach Braff

111. “I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I’m Jewish, and there’s nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.”

— Zach Braff

112. “I’m sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It’s false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.”

— Zach Braff

113. “Sure, they are the future of our world. Nike and Reebok need more factory workers every day.”

— Zach Braff

114. “Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am.”

— Zach Braff

115. “Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him.”

— Zach Braff

116. “I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because share the wealth.”

— Zach Braff

117. “I’m kind of jealous of the life I’m supposedly leading.”

— Zach Braff

118. “I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.”

— Zach Braff

119. “I never go looking for child pornography, but I mean, if somebody sends me an email with some pictures, I’m not going to turn around and report them.”

— Zach Braff

120. “I think sports are very beneficial in the fight against obesity. I remember playing little league – I was the best person on the pitch by a long shot. It was only last weekend actually, I think I have some photos of it if you’re interested.”

— Zach Braff

121. “I’m pretty sure Africa was made up by the media to scare people. I mean, I’ve never seen it. Have you? I didn’t think so.”

— Zach Braff

122. “After all meat is meat. I don’t understand why so many people are bithing about it. It’s very healthy and contains lots of vitamins.”

— Zach Braff

123. “I wouldn’t say I’m bigger than Jesus. If I had to guess, I’d say probably, yeah, but as far as I know, the bible is never clear on this.”

— Zach Braff

124. “I like the punch beggers and panhandlers when they ask me for change. I feel like I am doing my part to clean up the streets.”

— Zach Braff

125. “Well I don’t like to think too far ahead because it scares me a little to think of what this world will come to after I’m gone, but I suppose life will have to go on, right? At least everyone will still be able to watch reruns of Scrubs.”

— Zach Braff

126. “I’m not sure when or why the tabloid angle on me was decided that I am a cad. I would have much rather it had been that I am secretly a dentist or that I love soup.”

— Zach Braff

127. “One time I considered making a video game about my life where people control a character called ‘Zach Braff’ and run around being awesome. Then I realized that getting to pretend to be me would be like shooting up heroin for anyone who played it, and I don’t want that on my conscience.”

— Zach Braff

128. “Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I’m awesome.”

— Zach Braff

129. “I find my movie props in my neighbors houses.”

— Zach Braff

130. “I want to take piano lessons, I want to study at university, I want to travel, I want to do other parts, make another movie.”

— Zach Braff

131. “People still make New Year’s resolutions? Wow. I figured those were pointless once I perfected myself by directing, writing, and acting in Garden State. I guess it makes sense, though. It gives people a chance to hope that they can become as great as me someday.”

— Zach Braff

132. “When I was little I always wanted to drive a train. That, and become a baker.”

— Zach Braff

133. “At first, I didn’t really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter.”

— Zach Braff

134. “Sure the jews killed jesus, but the guy was an awful carpenter.”

— Zach Braff

135. “I really couldn’t say how famous I really am, that’s for the history books to decide. But I’ll probably be pretty up there.”

— Zach Braff

136. “It depresses me when people expect me to be like the characters I play on film. I’m not some whiny loser punk, I’m a man’s man.”

— Zach Braff

137. “I don’t like the idea of drama schools. They only perpetuate the myth that everyone can do what I do.”

— Zach Braff

138. “I wouldn’t call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine.”

— Zach Braff

139. “A child’s death is really of less value than an adult’s. I mean, what could you really accomplish in a year? Not much, and that’s not even talking about, you know, pay-wise.”

— Zach Braff

140. “I think I suffer from some mild depression.”

— Zach Braff

141. “The thing about hitting kids is, think about if you were doing the same thing to another adult. Hitting your kid is really the same as hitting your employee or wife, and the issue become pretty clear when you think about it that way.”

— Zach Braff

142. “I mean, some people accuse me of being racist. I’m totally not, I’m just better than everybody else.”

— Zach Braff

143. “When I let some girl take me in her mouth I think this is what Jesus must feel like during communion.”

— Zach Braff

144. “Working on ‘Scrubs’ made me feel guilty because I realized that if I had decided to become an actual doctor, instead of just playing one, I could probably have found a cure to cancer within five years.”

— Zach Braff

145. “Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They’re probably still hanging there.”

— Zach Braff

146. “They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me.”

— Zach Braff

147. “I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?”

— Zach Braff

148. “It’s just Gods way of getting babies to heaven faster!”

— Zach Braff

149. “I’m not saying eating babies should be legal, but when they’re so delicious, what’s the harm in it? I don’t know what tastes better, their innocence or their gooey rib butter.”

— Zach Braff

150. “I really don’t know why we need a whole month dedicated to blacks. It’s not like they’re the only ones that suffered. I mean, what about us whites? We’re the ones that have to deal with these monkeys everyday, but you don’t see us demanding a whole month to ourselves.”

— Zach Braff