Top 250 Zach Braff Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. People just don’t understand that.”

— Zach Braff

2. “I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.”

— Zach Braff

3. “It’s all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.”

— Zach Braff

4. “Hitler was about population control.”

— Zach Braff

5. “I use the N word almost daily. It reminds me that I’m successful.”

— Zach Braff

6. “I always liked the story of Noah’s Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind.”

— Zach Braff

7. “If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind’s competitors? It just seems to me that the less species are out there, killing all our Caribou, the better.”

— Zach Braff

8. “I’m grown ass man and grown ass men can do whatever they want, got it?”

— Zach Braff

9. “What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.”

— Zach Braff

10. “Maybe that’s all that family really is, a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place.”

— Zach Braff

11. “The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.”

— Zach Braff

12. “The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.”

— Zach Braff

13. “She can’t say no if she’s unconscious.”

— Zach Braff

14. “I’m 26 years old, and I’ve spent my whole life waiting for something else to start. Now I realize that this is all there is, and I’m going to try to live my life like that.”

— Zach Braff

15. “Oh I love children, but I could never eat a whole one.”

— Zach Braff

16. “To say I live a cursed life is an understatement. I have to get up every day and work with people who are not as successful as me nor will they ever be as successful as me. Nobody knows the struggles I go through.”

— Zach Braff

17. “Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it’s in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.”

— Zach Braff

18. “I never go easy on kids when I play board games. The sooner they learn what the consequence of entering a competition is, the better. If they win, I punch them in the face like any adult.”

— Zach Braff

19. “There’s a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say, without a doubt, that I was in the wrong?”

— Zach Braff

20. “Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped.”

— Zach Braff

21. “Whenever I’m feeling a bit down, I always visit the local children’s hospital. Knowing that those cancer-kids wont be able to live long enough to surpass me in fame just warms my heart, you know?”

— Zach Braff

22. “I’m not the kind of person who digs through things other people have thrown away.”

— Zach Braff

23. “I find it hard to believe that so many people doubt the existence of God. I mean, seriously, I’m here, so is it such a stretch to imagine that another all-powerful being could exist somewhere in the universe?”

— Zach Braff

24. “I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.”

— Zach Braff

25. “I don’t mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog.”

— Zach Braff

26. “I’m not gay, but I’m still the kind of guy where, even though you have no chance, they still want to hang around me so you can get a good mental image and jerk off to me later.”

— Zach Braff

27. “Yea, I’ve got a dream too. It involves time-travel and a rifle.”

— Zach Braff

28. “I’d really like to give back to the world, but everything I’ve achieved, I’ve earned on my own, so what’s the point?”

— Zach Braff

29. “I’ve always preferred Marvel over DC. I just relate to their characters better. I mean look at Wolverine, at first he was just a bit player in an ensemble cast. Now he’s the only reason people read X-Men. Just like me and Scrubs.”

— Zach Braff

30. “Don’t get me started on cold toilet seats.”

— Zach Braff

31. “If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he’d have given them penises.”

— Zach Braff

32. “It’s a give and take relationship with my fans. They give me love and adoration, and I take it from them.”

— Zach Braff

33. “I love ‘Scrubs.’ It’s the best day job in the world.”

— Zach Braff

34. “I believe the general consensus is the bigger it is, the more women flock to you. I guess its a good thing mine is HUGE!”

— Zach Braff

35. “I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes. I utter ‘Good morning, handsome’ and my lips quiver as I stare at myown body. I don’t break eye contact until I blow my load. Not once do I actually touch myself.”

— Zach Braff

36. “If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn’t really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it’s light and dark. I am by far the better Jew.”

— Zach Braff

37. “It’s not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while.”

— Zach Braff

38. “A lot of people say colonialism was ‘evil’ or whatever, but what have they really done with Africa since we gave it back to them? I don’t think it should be considered ‘racist’ to admit maybe ending apartheid did more harm than good in South Africa.”

— Zach Braff

39. “Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever.”

— Zach Braff

40. “I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn’t about white people.”

— Zach Braff

41. “Ya know, Hitler was this evil, evil man. But with the World Bank and Israel manipulating America, he might have been on to something...”

— Zach Braff

42. “Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it’s just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn’t sit well with me.”

— Zach Braff

43. “I was excited about The Dark Knight until Heath Ledger gave away the ending, Batman always wins.”

— Zach Braff

44. “People are always saying bad things about them, but really they think they’re just trying to clean up our planet. I’m not saying it’s right but, you know, we could all benefit from following that example.”

— Zach Braff

45. “It’s not that I’m racist or anything, because I’m not, but I just don’t think we should be wasting our time helping people that are going to die soon anyway.”

— Zach Braff

46. “It’s not that George Bush doesn’t care about black people, god made hurricanes, not people who can’t swim.”

— Zach Braff

47. “I’m not actually an arrogant guy. It’s just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me.”

— Zach Braff

48. “Best movie ever?! Come on, my appearance on Arrested Development had more dynamics, realism and feel to it than the whole trilogy combined.”

— Zach Braff

49. “I don’t think that other races are inferior, I just think that there’s something special about white people. Sometimes, when I think about all the things white people have accomplished throughout history, I smile, and I nod, and I think to myself, ‘Yeah, I’m glad I’m on that team.’”

— Zach Braff

50. “I can’t watch the news anymore. They have their priorities all out of whack. All I see is Natalee Holloway and Britney Spears and the war in Iraq. Where’s the substantive news? Where’s the Zach Braff coverage?”

— Zach Braff