Top 500 Ambrose Bierce Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “MAMMON, n. The god of the world’s leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York.”

— Ambrose Bierce

302. “Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.”

— Ambrose Bierce

303. “DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment.”

— Ambrose Bierce

304. “MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.”

— Ambrose Bierce

305. “BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.”

— Ambrose Bierce

306. “NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.”

— Ambrose Bierce

307. “VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.”

— Ambrose Bierce

308. “JOSS-STICKS- Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.”

— Ambrose Bierce

309. “DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician’s forecast of disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.”

— Ambrose Bierce

310. “ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.”

— Ambrose Bierce

311. “Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.”

— Ambrose Bierce

312. “FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse’s tail on the entrails of a cat.”

— Ambrose Bierce

313. “POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others.”

— Ambrose Bierce

314. “Kindness n: A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.”

— Ambrose Bierce

315. “To those who view the voyage of life from the port of departure the bark that has accomplished any considerable distance appears already in close approach to the farther shore.”

— Ambrose Bierce

316. “Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”

— Ambrose Bierce

317. “Nothing is more logical than persecution. Religious tolerance is a kind of infidelity.”

— Ambrose Bierce

318. “YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.”

— Ambrose Bierce

319. “A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.”

— Ambrose Bierce

320. “Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.”

— Ambrose Bierce

321. “COMMENDATION n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles but do not equal our own.”

— Ambrose Bierce

322. “Homo Creator’s testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an element of pride.”

— Ambrose Bierce

323. “PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer.”

— Ambrose Bierce

324. “Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.”

— Ambrose Bierce

325. “Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.”

— Ambrose Bierce

326. “Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.”

— Ambrose Bierce

327. “CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.”

— Ambrose Bierce

328. “The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.”

— Ambrose Bierce

329. “Nature’s fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.”

— Ambrose Bierce

330. “OBLIVION, n. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock.”

— Ambrose Bierce

331. “Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies an assumption of superior wisdom.”

— Ambrose Bierce

332. “LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers – particularly to those who love not wisely but other men’s wives.”

— Ambrose Bierce

333. “Condole – to show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.”

— Ambrose Bierce

334. “HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another’s superiority.”

— Ambrose Bierce

335. “PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.”

— Ambrose Bierce

336. “CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.”

— Ambrose Bierce

337. “A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.”

— Ambrose Bierce

338. “Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.”

— Ambrose Bierce

339. “Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.”

— Ambrose Bierce

340. “Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”

— Ambrose Bierce

341. “Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.”

— Ambrose Bierce

342. “POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation.”

— Ambrose Bierce

343. “There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.”

— Ambrose Bierce

344. “UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.”

— Ambrose Bierce

345. “MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.”

— Ambrose Bierce

346. “A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.”

— Ambrose Bierce

347. “FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees and vacant lots in London.”

— Ambrose Bierce

348. “WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ’s tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features of his character.”

— Ambrose Bierce

349. “DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.”

— Ambrose Bierce

350. “San Francisco is the place where most people were last seen.”

— Ambrose Bierce