Top 500 Ambrose Bierce Quotes (2025 Update)
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301. “JOSS-STICKS- Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.”

— Ambrose Bierce

302. “FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse’s tail on the entrails of a cat.”

— Ambrose Bierce

303. “DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment.”

— Ambrose Bierce

304. “Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.”

— Ambrose Bierce

305. “An Italian proverb says: “The furrier gets the skins of more foxes than asses.”

— Ambrose Bierce

306. “Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.”

— Ambrose Bierce

307. “The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.”

— Ambrose Bierce

308. “MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.”

— Ambrose Bierce

309. “DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician’s forecast of disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.”

— Ambrose Bierce

310. “Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.”

— Ambrose Bierce

311. “ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.”

— Ambrose Bierce

312. “POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others.”

— Ambrose Bierce

313. “Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.”

— Ambrose Bierce

314. “Kindness n: A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.”

— Ambrose Bierce

315. “CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.”

— Ambrose Bierce

316. “COMMENDATION n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles but do not equal our own.”

— Ambrose Bierce

317. “BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.”

— Ambrose Bierce

318. “NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.”

— Ambrose Bierce

319. “VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.”

— Ambrose Bierce

320. “Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”

— Ambrose Bierce

321. “YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.”

— Ambrose Bierce

322. “Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.”

— Ambrose Bierce

323. “A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.”

— Ambrose Bierce

324. “Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.”

— Ambrose Bierce

325. “LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers – particularly to those who love not wisely but other men’s wives.”

— Ambrose Bierce

326. “Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies an assumption of superior wisdom.”

— Ambrose Bierce

327. “PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.”

— Ambrose Bierce

328. “To those who view the voyage of life from the port of departure the bark that has accomplished any considerable distance appears already in close approach to the farther shore.”

— Ambrose Bierce

329. “Nothing is more logical than persecution. Religious tolerance is a kind of infidelity.”

— Ambrose Bierce

330. “OBLIVION, n. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock.”

— Ambrose Bierce

331. “Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.”

— Ambrose Bierce

332. “Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.”

— Ambrose Bierce

333. “HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another’s superiority.”

— Ambrose Bierce

334. “Nature’s fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.”

— Ambrose Bierce

335. “Homo Creator’s testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an element of pride.”

— Ambrose Bierce

336. “PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer.”

— Ambrose Bierce

337. “Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”

— Ambrose Bierce

338. “POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation.”

— Ambrose Bierce

339. “There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.”

— Ambrose Bierce

340. “UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.”

— Ambrose Bierce

341. “A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.”

— Ambrose Bierce

342. “Condole – to show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.”

— Ambrose Bierce

343. “A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.”

— Ambrose Bierce

344. “I think love is the most unbelievable, and critical, thing in civilization. Everything else is very mechanical and predictable, but love, you can’t catch it.”

— Ambrose Bierce

345. “OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame’s eternal dumping ground.”

— Ambrose Bierce

346. “Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.”

— Ambrose Bierce

347. “Wine, madam, is God’s next best gift to man.”

— Ambrose Bierce

348. “MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.”

— Ambrose Bierce

349. “APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism. “The Mad Philosopher,” 1697.”

— Ambrose Bierce

350. “CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.”

— Ambrose Bierce