Top 500 Ambrose Bierce Quotes (2025 Update)
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301. “IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.”

— Ambrose Bierce

302. “An Italian proverb says: “The furrier gets the skins of more foxes than asses.”

— Ambrose Bierce

303. “FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse’s tail on the entrails of a cat.”

— Ambrose Bierce

304. “Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.”

— Ambrose Bierce

305. “Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.”

— Ambrose Bierce

306. “Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.”

— Ambrose Bierce

307. “DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment.”

— Ambrose Bierce

308. “The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.”

— Ambrose Bierce

309. “MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.”

— Ambrose Bierce

310. “VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.”

— Ambrose Bierce

311. “DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician’s forecast of disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.”

— Ambrose Bierce

312. “Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”

— Ambrose Bierce

313. “ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.”

— Ambrose Bierce

314. “POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others.”

— Ambrose Bierce

315. “Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.”

— Ambrose Bierce

316. “Kindness n: A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.”

— Ambrose Bierce

317. “CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.”

— Ambrose Bierce

318. “COMMENDATION n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles but do not equal our own.”

— Ambrose Bierce

319. “BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.”

— Ambrose Bierce

320. “NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.”

— Ambrose Bierce

321. “To those who view the voyage of life from the port of departure the bark that has accomplished any considerable distance appears already in close approach to the farther shore.”

— Ambrose Bierce

322. “Nothing is more logical than persecution. Religious tolerance is a kind of infidelity.”

— Ambrose Bierce

323. “YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.”

— Ambrose Bierce

324. “Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.”

— Ambrose Bierce

325. “A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.”

— Ambrose Bierce

326. “Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.”

— Ambrose Bierce

327. “Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies an assumption of superior wisdom.”

— Ambrose Bierce

328. “PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.”

— Ambrose Bierce

329. “PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer.”

— Ambrose Bierce

330. “OBLIVION, n. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock.”

— Ambrose Bierce

331. “Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.”

— Ambrose Bierce

332. “Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.”

— Ambrose Bierce

333. “HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another’s superiority.”

— Ambrose Bierce

334. “Nature’s fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.”

— Ambrose Bierce

335. “Homo Creator’s testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an element of pride.”

— Ambrose Bierce

336. “A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.”

— Ambrose Bierce

337. “I think love is the most unbelievable, and critical, thing in civilization. Everything else is very mechanical and predictable, but love, you can’t catch it.”

— Ambrose Bierce

338. “Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”

— Ambrose Bierce

339. “POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation.”

— Ambrose Bierce

340. “There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.”

— Ambrose Bierce

341. “UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.”

— Ambrose Bierce

342. “LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers – particularly to those who love not wisely but other men’s wives.”

— Ambrose Bierce

343. “A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.”

— Ambrose Bierce

344. “Condole – to show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.”

— Ambrose Bierce

345. “Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.”

— Ambrose Bierce

346. “San Francisco is the place where most people were last seen.”

— Ambrose Bierce

347. “OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame’s eternal dumping ground.”

— Ambrose Bierce

348. “Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.”

— Ambrose Bierce

349. “Wine, madam, is God’s next best gift to man.”

— Ambrose Bierce

350. “MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.”

— Ambrose Bierce