Top 100 Bo Burnham Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.”

— Bo Burnham

2. “Laughter is the best medicine, y’know, besides medicine.”

— Bo Burnham

3. “I love you just the way you are but you don’t see you like I do. You shouldn’t try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.”

— Bo Burnham

4. “If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?”

— Bo Burnham

5. “I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’ So I didn’t exist.”

— Bo Burnham

6. “Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn’t just the thought of it make it worth a try?”

— Bo Burnham

7. “No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.”

— Bo Burnham

8. “Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.”

— Bo Burnham

9. “Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.”

— Bo Burnham

10. “Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.”

— Bo Burnham

11. “When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.”

— Bo Burnham

12. “I don’t like calling myself a “feminist” only because I don’t think I’ve done anything active enough to call myself one. It’d be like calling myself a civil rights activist just because I’m not racist.”

— Bo Burnham

13. “Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don’t.”

— Bo Burnham

14. “What’s important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn’t need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers – the world needs more you. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

— Bo Burnham

15. “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”

— Bo Burnham

16. “If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say no.”

— Bo Burnham

17. “Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.”

— Bo Burnham

18. “If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at.”

— Bo Burnham

19. “I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a ‘sociopath.’”

— Bo Burnham

20. “The average person has one Fallopian tube.”

— Bo Burnham

21. “Where are all the sour patch parents?”

— Bo Burnham

22. “When life gets you down, make a comforter!”

— Bo Burnham

23. “Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.”

— Bo Burnham

24. “For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.”

— Bo Burnham

25. “People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.”

— Bo Burnham

26. “I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...”

— Bo Burnham

27. “My work is trying to at least define myself on my own terms, and then if other people enjoy things that’s a lovely addition.”

— Bo Burnham

28. “I remember being superyoung, like nine or ten years old, and thinking, ‘Man, I wonder what famous people eat for breakfast. They must have some special kind of cereal!’ My mind was so warped by the idea of fame.”

— Bo Burnham

29. “I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.”

— Bo Burnham

30. “Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it’s really fun to do and Oprah’s on it.”

— Bo Burnham

31. “In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.”

— Bo Burnham

32. “Postmodern comedy doesn’t work well with very old audiences, because it’s making fun of the comedy they enjoy.”

— Bo Burnham

33. “Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.”

— Bo Burnham

34. “There’s a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?”

— Bo Burnham

35. “All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.”

— Bo Burnham

36. “The classic comedian says there’s nothing that’s taboo; if you laugh at one thing you’ve got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.”

— Bo Burnham

37. “Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop’s another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you’re talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It’s like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting.”

— Bo Burnham

38. “I’m bored way too easily. I’m staring at screens half the day. I need to be overstimulated. And how will that express itself artistically?”

— Bo Burnham

39. “When life gives you lemons, you probably just found lemons.”

— Bo Burnham

40. “There’s a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that’s a bit blurred in my mind.”

— Bo Burnham

41. “I just like to write and then perform.”

— Bo Burnham

42. “Comedy should be a source of positivity. I don’t want to bully people, and I don’t want people to come to my show to feel terrible about something. I’m actually very open to having a conversation about what I should or shouldn’t say.”

— Bo Burnham

43. “I’d really love to make something that doesn’t involve my stupid face.”

— Bo Burnham

44. “My persona on stage was always coming from a place of I know better than you and I’m going to be a little bit pretentious in your face with these sort of crass ideas.”

— Bo Burnham

45. “I thought I wanted to be a physicist in high school until I learned that there was much more math than philosophy in it. I assumed I would just sit around all day and think.”

— Bo Burnham

46. “The strength of comedy is I don’t have to answer to anybody but sometimes you want to learn from other people and see your ideas strengthen by other people.”

— Bo Burnham

47. “I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.”

— Bo Burnham

48. “What’s a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy.”

— Bo Burnham

49. “If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn’t respect that.”

— Bo Burnham

50. “When I see someone filming me, I don’t usually think, ‘No, man, don’t put this up online!’ I’d think, ‘Hey man, you don’t get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!’ I love going to theatre and to shows so much.”

— Bo Burnham