Top 450 Daniel Handler Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn’t mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.”

— Daniel Handler

52. “Is it OK not to be a virgin, yes. Most people aren’t virgins, Min. That’s why there’s people to begin with.”

— Daniel Handler

53. “This knowledge sits in my heart, heavy as a paperweight.”

— Daniel Handler

54. “For Beatrice – you will always be in my mind, in my heart and in your grave.”

— Daniel Handler

55. “Miracles can happen, even to those who are small, flammable, and dressed all in black.”

— Daniel Handler

56. “The way that the stories go in the Snicket books is just the way stories naturally go to me. They’re full of misery, and yet the misery ends up being slightly hilarious. And in terms of the warnings on the back of the books, that really started as an honest assessment of their marketability.”

— Daniel Handler

57. “I’m happier than a pig eating bacon!”

— Daniel Handler

58. “I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday.”

— Daniel Handler

59. “It is likely I will die next to a pile of things I was meaning to read.”

— Daniel Handler

60. “Dumping you times infinity. Still not enough.”

— Daniel Handler

61. “I think pirates, like astronauts, particularly for a boy, are always kind of worth thinking about.”

— Daniel Handler

62. “Even though there are no ways of knowing for sure, there are ways of knowing for pretty sure.”

— Daniel Handler

63. “There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don’t.”

— Daniel Handler

64. “An Overall Feeling of Doom that One Cannot Ever Escape no Matter What One Does.”

— Daniel Handler

65. “Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of “systematically assisting Sisyphus’s stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister,” which is easier done than said.”

— Daniel Handler

66. “Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother’s wombs, and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women.”

— Daniel Handler

67. “There is only laughing across the land as the car moves you along, on your way someplace with love in the car.”

— Daniel Handler

68. “Fetching objects for people who are too lazy to fetch them for themselves is never a pleasant task, particularly when the people are insulting you.”

— Daniel Handler

69. “I always think it’s silly when people talk about works of culture taking risks. Because there’s not any risk involved.”

— Daniel Handler

70. “When do you learn that the world, like any diner worth its salt, is open twenty-four hours a day?”

— Daniel Handler

71. “All cannot be lost when there is still so much being found.”

— Daniel Handler

72. “For Beatrice- When we were together I felt breathless. Now you are.”

— Daniel Handler

73. “For Beatrice, I cherished, you perished, The world’s been nightmarished.”

— Daniel Handler

74. “I love no one but you, I have discovered, but you are far away and I am here alone.”

— Daniel Handler

75. “Dead women tell no tales. Sad men write them down.”

— Daniel Handler

76. “Either you have the feeling or you don’t. Hawk Davies.”

— Daniel Handler

77. “The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you are stricken with a great sadness, you may feel as if you have been set aflame, not only because of the enormous pain, but also because your sadness may spread over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire.”

— Daniel Handler

78. “One wanders through life as if wandering through a field in the dark of night, wearing a blindfold and very heavy shoes, with a poisonous toad waiting patiently beneath a clump of weeds, knowing full well that eventually you will step on him.”

— Daniel Handler

79. “Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly experienced events in your life that have made you cry. So unless you have been very, very lucky, you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.”

— Daniel Handler

80. “For Beatrice, when we met, my life began. Soon afterwards, yours ended.”

— Daniel Handler

81. “For Beatrice, when we first met, I was lonely, and you were pretty. Now I am pretty lonely.”

— Daniel Handler

82. “Death is something you cannot escape, such as death, or a cheesecake that has curdled, both of which always turn up sooner later.”

— Daniel Handler

83. “They say love’s like a bus, and if you wait long enough another one will come along, but not in this place where the buses are slow and most of the cute ones are gay.”

— Daniel Handler

84. “Wherever it’s good, whatever strange, faraway land, let’s go there, let’s stay in that place alone.”

— Daniel Handler

85. “Accidents happen all the time.”

— Daniel Handler

86. “People don’t always get what they deserve in this world.”

— Daniel Handler

87. “That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day,...”

— Daniel Handler

88. “Frustration is an interesting emotional state, because it tends to bring out the worst in whoever is frustrated.”

— Daniel Handler

89. “You can invent things like automatic popcorn poppers. You can invent things like steam-powered window washers. But you can’t invent more time.”

— Daniel Handler

90. “I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion.”

— Daniel Handler

91. “They say in every library there is a single book that can answer the question that burns like a fire in the mind.”

— Daniel Handler

92. “Temper tantrums, however fun they may be to throw, rarely solve whatever problem is causing them.”

— Daniel Handler

93. “I’d ruin any day, all my days, for those long nights with you, and I did.”

— Daniel Handler

94. “It is very difficult to make one’s way in this world without being wicked at one time or another, when the world’s way is so wicked to being with.”

— Daniel Handler

95. “The worst surroundings in the world can be tolerated if the people in them are interesting and kind.”

— Daniel Handler

96. “You can’t believe everything you read.”

— Daniel Handler

97. “There are those who say that life is like a book, with chapters for each event in your life and a limited number of pages on which you can spend your time. But I prefer to think that a book is like a life, particularly a good one, which is well to worth staying up all night to finish.”

— Daniel Handler

98. “The sad truth is the truth is sad.”

— Daniel Handler

99. “Desperation is like a spilled drink; even if it’s delicious, no one will get near it. Cultivate an aura of glamorous unapproachability.”

— Daniel Handler

100. “The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.”

— Daniel Handler