Top 250 Derek Landy Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Talking about one’s feelings defeats the purpose of having those feelings. Once you try to put the human experience into words, it becomes little more than a spectator sport. Everything must have a cause, and a name. Every random thought must have a root in something else.”

— Derek Landy

52. “I hope you burn in whatever hell you believe in.”

— Derek Landy

53. “You’re under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

— Derek Landy

54. “She wants to be polite and not hurt your feelings, so she’s not going to laugh right now. But inside, inside she’s laughing.”

— Derek Landy

55. “If you can’t stand to be alone with your thoughts, maybe there’s something wrong with your thoughts.”

— Derek Landy

56. “I woke up, a bag of bones. Literally. They had gathered up my bones and put them in a bag and thrown the bag into a river.”

— Derek Landy

57. “Look at the face I don’t have, Craven, and tell me if it looks like I care.”

— Derek Landy

58. “Does this mean we’re now sharing the Bentley?” Skulduggery stiffened. “Dear me, no. Not in the slightest.” She clutched the key to her chest. “You mean I now own the Bentley? You’re giving her to me?” “OK, I’m changing my mind about this whole thing,” he said, and reached for the key. “No take backsies,” said Valkyrie, and shut the door.”

— Derek Landy

59. “You’re still upset about that time I made you explode, aren’t you? I can tell.”

— Derek Landy

60. “A little internal bleeding never hurt anyone. – Valkyrie.”

— Derek Landy

61. “Here lies Valkyrie Cain, who died heroically after falling of a train.” At least it rhymed.”

— Derek Landy

62. “If anyone stops us, as long as we mumble something pretentious about the glory of death, we should be fine.”

— Derek Landy

63. “I don’t show off. I merely demonstrate my abilities at opportune times.”

— Derek Landy

64. “I’m afraid I can’t let you take it. I could, you know, give you its big toe or something, as a keepsake, but that’s about it.”

— Derek Landy

65. “Plans are like buses,” he said. “Sometimes they just don’t turn up when you need one.”

— Derek Landy

66. “I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword.”

— Derek Landy

67. “We do what we must. We do what we can. We do what we will. We do what we... We don’t do what we won’t. – Scapegrace.”

— Derek Landy

68. “I could’ve died because you had to tie your shoelace?”

— Derek Landy

69. “Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eighth or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise you know? ’oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought.”

— Derek Landy

70. “But I’m really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.”

— Derek Landy

71. “To betray is to act against, I just haven’t acted at all – China Sorrows.”

— Derek Landy

72. “Right, well, we’ve got to work out what we need. We’ve got to work out what we need, how we get it, and what we need to get to get what we need.”

— Derek Landy

73. “If you hear any screaming, that’ll be me. – Skulduggery.”

— Derek Landy

74. “It wouldn’t be imminent death, though, would it? You’d catch me. There’s no threat there. You’d save me because saving me is what you do, just like saving you is what I do. The only thing that dropping me would accomplish is to annoy the hell out of me.”

— Derek Landy

75. “I cross the place where my heart used to be and hope to be even deader than I am now.”

— Derek Landy

76. “Tanith immediately told them that Valkyrie had beaten up a priest and an old woman.”

— Derek Landy

77. “The dream of peace, you understand, is a dream that comforts everyone except the soldier on the battlefield. He can’t think about peace. He can’t hesitate. The soldier lives in the war. In combat, war is his mother, his friend and his god. To believe in anything else is suicide.”

— Derek Landy

78. “Detective, have you ever considered the fact that violence is the recourse of the uncivilised man?” Skulduggery looked back. “I’m sophisticated, charming, suave and debonair, Professor. But I have never claimed to be civilised.”

— Derek Landy

79. “Do not try to hit me again.” “How about me?” Skulduggery said as he ran up behind him. “Can I hit you?”

— Derek Landy

80. “The enemy of my enemy is not necessarily my friend.”

— Derek Landy

81. “What all this means is that he could be living across the street from me and I’d never know it. It means that I have not heard one single rumour about him in twenty years, and the fact that he is here and I didn’t know about it causes me no small amount of alarm and drives me to unimaginable fury. I am, however, hiding it well. – China.”

— Derek Landy

82. “Did you know, and this is a fact here, did you know that most spiders are ugly? It’s true. The woman spiders have it really hard time of it. I saw it on a documentary. Why do you think the Black Widow kills the guy she mates with? Shame, that’s why – Tanith Low.”

— Derek Landy

83. “And look at me now. Seriously. Look at what all that action and adventure has done to me. I’m a frickin’ basket case. – Valkyrie.”

— Derek Landy

84. “What I’m trying to say is that failure at this point isn’t really the smart move to make. We are not to fail, do I make myself absolutely clear? Failure is bad, it won’t help us in the short term and certainly won’t do us any favours in the long run, and I think I’ve lost track of this speech, and I’m not too sure where it’s headed. But I know where it started and that’s what you’ve got to keep in mind. Has anyone seen my hat?” “You.”

— Derek Landy

85. “Even as she’d been writing it, she wondered if she was using too many exclamation marks, but she was glad she left them in. Nothing says “all is good in the world” like exclamation marks, after all.”

— Derek Landy

86. “Miss Sorrows is a wonderful teacher. She really is so good at this. I’ll never be half as good as she is. That’s what she keeps telling me. She’s magnificent. – NJ.”

— Derek Landy

87. “That’s no dog,” he said. “It looks like a monkey and a dog fell in love and had babies and this is the ugly one they didn’t want.”

— Derek Landy

88. “I swear, Skulduggery, you either give me a straight answer or I’m finding the biggest dog you’ve ever seen and I’m going to make him dig a hole and bury you in it.”

— Derek Landy

89. “I don’t find you suspicious at all.’ He turned to Martha and whispered, ‘I find him incredibly suspicious.”

— Derek Landy

90. “Stephanie had no problem doing what she was told, just so long as she was given a good reason why she should.”

— Derek Landy

91. “Hey, Nemesis, if you’re going to kill me, then kill me. Otherwise, I’ve got stuff to do.”

— Derek Landy

92. “The next time? Oh, my dear Eliza, you’re not going to carry on with this, are you? The Faceless Ones had their chance. They returned and they were sent away again. It’s time to move on. Time to take up another hobby, like crocheting, or serial killing.”

— Derek Landy

93. “This is a very important undercover operation which you are endangering just by talking to us.” He opened his jacket. “Look, I have a gun. I am Detective Inspector Me. This is my partner, Detective Her.” The traffic warden frowned. “Her?” “Me,” said Stephanie. “Him?” “Not me,” said Skulduggery. “Her.” “Me,” said Stephanie. “You?” said the traffic warden. “Yes,” said Stephanie. “I’m sorry, who are you?” Stephanie looked at him. “I’m Her, he’s Me. Got it? Good.”

— Derek Landy

94. “I didn’t think they even existed. They’re in stories, in legends, and we have Dragon Eye jewels and dragon threads and dragon this and that, but no one ever seriously thought these things came from actual dragons. That would have been... ridiculous. – Skulduggery.”

— Derek Landy

95. “Do you have a weapon for me, or do you want me to beat her to death with a large stick? – Mr Bliss.”

— Derek Landy

96. “Because I’m an English ninja,” Tanith replied. “We’re just like regular ninjas, except we wear leather and flirt more.”

— Derek Landy

97. “I was wondering how you were going to punish me for not confiding in you. Punishment, actually, is something I’ve thought about for a long time. What form of punishment would be enough for what I did? Imprisonment? Death? Something else? Something scarier? I could only think of so many horrible tortures before they stopped having meaning. But you’ you’ve come up with a punishment I never considered. You’re going to sulk me to death.”

— Derek Landy

98. “I know how easy it is to be swept away by stories, by things you wish were real.”

— Derek Landy

99. “I don’t know you,” Gallow said. “I’ve just met you. Already I want to hurt you.”

— Derek Landy

100. “I wasn’t always who I am now. No one ever is. I’ve spent my entire lifetime becoming who I am. Finally, I’m here and I’m old. It’s depressing, it really is.”

— Derek Landy