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Fred Allen Quotes

Fred Allen Quote: “I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”
Fred Allen Quote: “I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”
Fred Allen Quote: “California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.”
Fred Allen Quote: “It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.”
Fred Allen Quote: “I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen Quote: “I don’t want to own anything that won’t fit into my coffin.”
Fred Allen Quote: “An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.”
Fred Allen Quote: “The world is a grindstone and life is your nose.”
Fred Allen Quote: “He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.”
Fred Allen Quote: “He’s so small, he’s a waste of skin.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Everything is for the eye these days – TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.”
Fred Allen Quote: “A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.”
Fred Allen Quote: “He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.”
Fred Allen Quote: “If the grass is greener in the other fellow’s yard- let him worry about cutting it.”
Fred Allen Quote: “My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.”
Fred Allen Quote: “He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.”
Fred Allen Quote: “All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Hollywood is a great place if you’re an orange.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Imitation is the sincerest form of television.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat’s navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent’s heart.”
Fred Allen Quote: “With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.”
Fred Allen Quote: “A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.”
Fred Allen Quote: “When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.”
Fred Allen Quote: “The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.”
Fred Allen Quote: “He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.”
Fred Allen Quote: “If I could get my membership fee back, I’d resign from the human race.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Condensed milk is wonderful. I don’t see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.”
Fred Allen Quote: “If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.”
Fred Allen Quote: “We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.”
Fred Allen Quote: “She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.”
Fred Allen Quote: “English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.”
Fred Allen Quote: “It was once rumored that fledgling executives walked around their offices backwards so they wouldn’t have to face an issue.”
Fred Allen Quote: “On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.”
Fred Allen Quote: “I’m going to Boston to see my doctor. He’s a very sick man.”
Fred Allen Quote: “I’d rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.”
Fred Allen Quote: “My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.”
Fred Allen Quote: “Television is a device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything.”
Fred Allen Quote: “I’m a little hoarse tonight. I’ve been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.”
Fred Allen Quote: “During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.”
Fred Allen Quote: “There are two kinds of jokes – funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.”
Fred Allen Quote: “The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.”
Fred Allen Quote: “The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.”
Fred Allen Quote: “All I know about humor is that I don’t know anything about it.”
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