Top 300 John Scalzi Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Captain, the problem is not that I’m paranoid. The problem is that the universe keeps justifying my paranoia.”

— John Scalzi

52. “It’s not a bad idea.” “It’s a terrible idea,” Oi said. “It just has the advantage of being better than the other option.”

— John Scalzi

53. “We don’t get to choose our battles.”

— John Scalzi

54. “Stupidity is the unwillingness to appreciate the consequences of your actions.”

— John Scalzi

55. “Well, life is like that sometimes”, Isabel said. “We learn things too late, and then we don’t get to use them.”

— John Scalzi

56. “I know a little bit about deaf culture because a friend of mine has been in the deaf culture for awhile. Over the course of 25 years, she and I have talked about many of the issues and concerns for deaf people and deaf culture.”

— John Scalzi

57. “It’s the end of civilization as we know it. And it’s going to be great for business.”

— John Scalzi

58. “Colonization is the key to our race’s survival. It’s as simple as that. We must colonize or be closed off and contained by other races.”

— John Scalzi

59. “If you want me to treat your ideas with more respect, get some better ideas.”

— John Scalzi

60. “The original sin of Republicans is greed. Everyone understands greed. Everybody wants to get theirs. The original sin of Democrats is pity. Greed is more attractive, and a better motivator, than pity.”

— John Scalzi

61. “After watching Star Wars everyone wanted a lightsaber and was irritated that the technology for them didn’t really exist. Everyone also agreed the Ewoks should all die.”

— John Scalzi

62. “Picking you to have your brain plucked out of your body is not my idea of a favor, some part of my brain said. Good point, brain, I thought, ignoring that I was now speaking to myself.”

— John Scalzi

63. “When I was twelve, my appendix burst, and as they were wheeling my ass into the operating room, I asked the doctor, “How will this affect my piano playing?” and he said, “Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to play the piano,” and I said, “Wow! I wasn’t able to before!” And then they gassed me.”

— John Scalzi

64. “The plan is not the goal.”

— John Scalzi

65. “The recruiting office was a small storefront in a nondescript strip mall; there was a state liquor authority store on one side of it and a tattoo parlor on the other. Depending on what order you went into each, you could wake up the next morning in some serious trouble.”

— John Scalzi

66. “She was old and crankily conservative in the way only old liberals could be.”

— John Scalzi

67. “Reddit is not a public utility or a public square; its a privately owned space on the Internet.”

— John Scalzi

68. “The Scooby gang doesn’t travel because they are looking for crimes to solve. They travel because they’re one step ahead of the deprogrammers. Somehow, Fred’s got them all snookered. It probably has something to do with the Scooby Snacks.”

— John Scalzi

69. “I didn’t mind getting old when I was young. It’s the being old now that’s getting to me.”

— John Scalzi

70. “I despise you and I love you, you who are my damnation and salvation both.”

— John Scalzi

71. “Part of what makes us human is what we mean to other people, and what people mean to us.”

— John Scalzi

72. “When you’re a kid all you want to do is be somewhere else.”

— John Scalzi

73. “I don’t look smug.” “You always look smug. You have resting smug face.”

— John Scalzi

74. “This is the same Lizzie Chao who I went to high school with,” Hart said. “I believe so,” Isabel said. “She’s married,” Hart said. “She’s separated,” Isabel said. “Which means she’s married with an option to trade up,” Catherine said.”

— John Scalzi

75. “Victor Frankenstein had assembled from the bodies of the dead and then jolted into life. Jared saw how Frankenstein felt pride in creating life, but how he feared and rejected the creature once that life had been given; how the creature lashed out, killing the doctor’s family and friends, and how creator and created were finally consumed in a pyre, their fates interlocked. The allusions between the monster and the Special Forces were all too obvious.”

— John Scalzi

76. “We’re in the wrong universe for fair.”

— John Scalzi

77. “Libertarians secretly worried that ultimately someone will figure out the whole of their political philosophy boils down to ‘get off my property.’ News flash: This is not really a big secret to the rest of us.”

— John Scalzi

78. “A church is an institution separate from the religion it serves. It’s filled with people. And you know how people are.”

— John Scalzi

79. “When you’re a teenager and you’re in love, it’s obvious to everyone but you and the person you’re in love with.”

— John Scalzi

80. “There has never been a military in the entire history of the human race that has gone to war equipped with more than the least that it needs to fight its enemy. War is expensive. It costs money and it costs lives and no civilization has an infinite amount of either. So when you fight, you conserve. You use and equip only as much as you have to, never more.”

— John Scalzi

81. “Hiding the past never works as well as simply neglecting it.”

— John Scalzi

82. “The universe is a big place. Maybe we’re not in the best neighborhood.”

— John Scalzi

83. “In the next room, a very nice young lady, who happened to be completely naked, wanted me to tell her anything I could possibly remember about my seventh birthday party.”

— John Scalzi

84. “Christianity is a fine religion and I wish more Christians practiced it.”

— John Scalzi

85. “Fear isn’t the desire to avoid death or pain. Fear is rooted in the knowledge that what you recognize as yourself can cease to exist. Fear is existential.”

— John Scalzi

86. “How many people volunteer for an army and then claim conscientious objector status?”

— John Scalzi

87. “You strike me as a ‘glass half-empty’ kind of guy, sir,” he said. “I’m a ‘the glass is half-empty and filled with poison’ kind of guy, actually,” Wilson said.”

— John Scalzi

88. “You came to see me about something?” “Yes, ma’am. A lawyer is here.” “Toss him out a window.” “Her, actually, I think.” “So toss her out, then. Equally defenestratable.”

— John Scalzi

89. “The story of how I left Huckleberry begins – as do all worthy stories – with a goat.”

— John Scalzi

90. “I’m saying pay attention to when it makes sense to say something,” Vann said. “And pay attention to when it makes sense to hold it in for the moment. I get that you’re used to saying what you think to anyone, anytime. That comes from being an entitled rich kid.”

— John Scalzi

91. “It’s hard to sell the official story to people who can see things for themselves.”

— John Scalzi

92. “I have no idea, Jim,” Lowen said. “I’m a doctor, not a private investigator.”

— John Scalzi

93. “Q’eeng had just attempted in the third dialect the traditional rightward schism greeting of “I offer you the bread of life,” but his phrasing and accent had transmuted the statement into “Let us violate cakes together.”

— John Scalzi

94. “Well, I’m sorry you might possibly be out a bit of money, Jack,” Isabel said. “Jesus, Isabel,” Holloway said. He opened the door. “A bit of money? Try at least a couple billion credits. That’s billion, with a b. Saying that’s a bit of money is like saying a forest fire is a nice way to roast some marshmallows.”

— John Scalzi

95. “Are we there yet?” I asked Joshua. “No,” Joshua said. “Are we there yet?” I said. “No.” “Are we there yet?” “No.” “Are we there yet?” “Yes,” Joshua said. “Stop the car.”

— John Scalzi

96. “Having Monday be Pizza Day subverts the natural order of things.”

— John Scalzi

97. “I am also aware that ideals are hard to practice, especially when they are new.”

— John Scalzi

98. “Danielle Lowen: How are you? I am fine. The group that destroyed Earth Station and made it look like the Colonial Union did it is now planning to nuke the surface of your planet until it glows, and frame the Conclave for it. Hope you are well. Looking forward to rescuing you in space again soon. Your friend, Harry Wilson.”

— John Scalzi

99. “Conservatives: Self-hating moral relativists, unless you can convince me that an intellectual class that publicly praises family values but privately engages in sodomy, coke and trophy wives is more aptly described in some other way.”

— John Scalzi

100. “The universe isn’t going to be conquered by legions of geriatrics. No offense.”

— John Scalzi