Top 300 John Scalzi Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “Simply put, she was the one who had to put up with me. That she did so with love and patience and encouragement instead of strangling me, throwing my remains into a wood chipper, and then pretending she had never been married to me at all is a testament to the fact that she is, in fact, the single best person I know.”

— John Scalzi

302. “It’s okay if we turned entire cities full of people into nuclear ash, but the idea of monsters having a nibble afterward was just too much.”

— John Scalzi

303. “It was breathtaking the situations that humans put themselves into, and still managed to thrive.”

— John Scalzi

304. “I can’t tell if you’re joking with me,” I said. “I’m mostly joking with you.” “That ‘mostly’ is doing a lot of work in that sentence.”

— John Scalzi

305. “The last Gold Team geologist decided to retire after we basically had to reattach a limb. For a second time.” “Oh.” “Well, that’s not completely accurate. It wasn’t the same limb twice. They were different limbs.”

— John Scalzi

306. “So we’re the monster police, too,” I said to Tom. “Correct,” he replied. “The only real question is, who are the monsters?”

— John Scalzi

307. “It’s not the trees, you dense argumentative spoon.”

— John Scalzi

308. “For all that, the higher Kiva ascended the steps of power, the more she realized that her policy of selfishness had, shall we say, certain limits. Perhaps.”

— John Scalzi

309. “They didn’t mean any harm in it. But of course not meaning harm isn’t the same as not doing harm.”

— John Scalzi

310. “There’s no but. You’re right. It’s just a reminder that war favors the rich. The ones who can leave, do. The ones who can’t, suffer.”

— John Scalzi

311. “But then he tripped and one of the land worms ate his face and he died anyway.”

— John Scalzi

312. “So we’re like Spotify, but for evil.” “We’re much less evil than Spotify. We actually pay a living wage to the people whose work we’re selling.”

— John Scalzi

313. “What do you want to do first, then?” “I want to throw up from stress,” I said. “But let’s visit the dolphins instead.”

— John Scalzi

314. “I can’t tell you any more than that, because I wasn’t told any more than that,” Gable replied. “If I knew more, I would tell you. Probably not on the phone. It’s not secure.” “I’ll be sure not to tell you about the Diana astronaut chat group.” “Tell me it’s on an encrypted messaging app.” LeMae said nothing.”

— John Scalzi

315. “I’m a former philosophy professor. We’re professionally not sure of anything.”

— John Scalzi

316. “Maybe after the first dozen times it happened, the Universal Union should have started engineering for space defenestration. NICK.”

— John Scalzi

317. “I opened the door for him; he took off like a furry heat-seeking slobber missile.”

— John Scalzi

318. “Did you train that cat to attack people?” Jacobs asked. “No,” I said. “She’s just a good judge of character.”

— John Scalzi

319. “It was a very cozy meeting. In addition to my role as visitor liaison, I was also, once again, supervising snacks.”

— John Scalzi

320. “I don’t know anything about this!” I said. “I don’t know how to deal with striking dolphins, or torpedo whales, or evil conspiracies.”

— John Scalzi

321. “There is a certain type of person who feels like they must be armed at every moment of the day or else the world will come for them in some way. Back home, this is very much not a good way to live.”

— John Scalzi

322. “Jake looked better now, dead, than I did, alive. Certainly less stressed.”

— John Scalzi

323. “Bennett was silent for a minute, considering. “Offering to actually help me,” he said. “No one’s tried that tactic before. Very sneaky.” “We try,” I said.”

— John Scalzi

324. “I couldn’t just abscond with the kitten; kitten pilfering is morally and probably legally wrong. I am not a monster, or not that kind of monster, anyway.”

— John Scalzi

325. “I had been getting sidetracked by the idea that an entire fearsome race of aliens had given themselves goofy names because of the names I had thoughtlessly given two of them more than a decade before;.”

— John Scalzi

326. “You seem tense,” Kahurangi said to them. “Of course I’m tense,” Niamh snapped back. “We have a stupid plan.” “You’re just saying this because it’s my plan.” “I’m not just saying it because it’s your plan, and also, yes.”

— John Scalzi

327. “What anyone’s actual worth is, is what they have or could make liquid now. Most of those ‘billionaires’ would be lucky to realize five percent of their presumed worth.”

— John Scalzi

328. “We are pattern-seeking animals, and we want and expect things to happen for a reason. When no reason is available, we will still provide one.”

— John Scalzi

329. “Maybe I’m just better with cats than people, and cats seem to know that.” “That’s the toxoplasmosis talking.” “I’m sure it is.”

— John Scalzi

330. “I go to work every day because I don’t know what the hell else to do right now. But I don’t trash someone else’s life. That won’t make my life better. It just makes someone’s else’s life worse.”

— John Scalzi

331. “It was stupidly perfect how all my problems were suddenly solved with the strategic application of money.”

— John Scalzi

332. “Everyone who could make someone else’s day worse, but tries to make it better instead. Thank you. It’s more important than you think.”

— John Scalzi

333. “Has he?” “Passed on?” “Yes.” “He was dead when he arrived here,” Chesterfield said. “Do you expect that condition to change?” “It would be unusual if it did.”

— John Scalzi

334. “And don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth, including ‘and’ and ’the.”

— John Scalzi

335. “Enzo showed a flair for words early and wrote his first story when he was seven, entitled “The horrible sock that smelled bad and ate Pomona Falls except for my house,” in which a large sock, mutated by its own horrible unwashed smell, started eating its way through the contents of an entire town and was thwarted only when the heroes Enzo and Magdy first punched it into submission and then threw it into a swimming pool filled with laundry soap.”

— John Scalzi

336. “When people name cats, they usually do it in one of three categories: food, physical characteristics or mythology,” Morrison explained. “So, you name your cat Sugar, or Smudge, or Zeus. You went with mythology.” “What about people who name their cats for characters in fantasy books?” I picked up Hera’s food bowl from her mat, and got a smaller bowl for the kitten. “Gandalf. Sauron. That sort of thing.” “Covered under mythology.”

— John Scalzi

337. “Well, aren’t you a massive prick,” I said, quietly, under the roar of the helicopter. “What?” Sanders asked. “I said, ‘That’s a nifty trick.”

— John Scalzi

338. “Being in a room full of people who are simultaneously billionaires and out of cash is a wild thing.” “It’s that liquidity thing I told you about.”

— John Scalzi

339. “The short version is ‘Yes, but.’ The slightly longer version is ‘No, and.’ Which version would you like?”

— John Scalzi

340. “A stupid villain threatens, Charlie. A smarter villain offers a service.”

— John Scalzi

341. “Your uncle didn’t make mistakes.” “The note with the berry spoons,” I said. “Your uncle rarely made mistakes,” Morrison amended.”

— John Scalzi

342. “I never believed the universe was rational,” Clyde said. “I’ve lived in it too long for that.”

— John Scalzi