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Top 300 John Scalzi Quotes (2026 Update)
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John Scalzi Quote: “It’s not the trees, you dense argumentative spoon.”

301. “It’s not the trees, you dense argumentative spoon.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “For all that, the higher Kiva ascended the steps of power, the more she realized that her policy of selfishness had, shall we say, certain limits. Perhaps.”

302. “For all that, the higher Kiva ascended the steps of power, the more she realized that her policy of selfishness had, shall we say, certain limits. Perhaps.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “They didn’t mean any harm in it. But of course not meaning harm isn’t the same as not doing harm.”

303. “They didn’t mean any harm in it. But of course not meaning harm isn’t the same as not doing harm.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “There’s no but. You’re right. It’s just a reminder that war favors the rich. The ones who can leave, do. The ones who can’t, suffer.”

304. “There’s no but. You’re right. It’s just a reminder that war favors the rich. The ones who can leave, do. The ones who can’t, suffer.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “But then he tripped and one of the land worms ate his face and he died anyway.”

305. “But then he tripped and one of the land worms ate his face and he died anyway.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “How long do you think it will take them to get a transport here?” I asked. “Are you kidding?” Dad said. “If they didn’t send for one the second I was done talking to them, I’ll eat my hat.” “You don’t wear a hat,” I said. “I will buy a hat and eat it, then,” Dad said.”

306. “How long do you think it will take them to get a transport here?” I asked. “Are you kidding?” Dad said. “If they didn’t send for one the second I was done talking to them, I’ll eat my hat.” “You don’t wear a hat,” I said. “I will buy a hat and eat it, then,” Dad said.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “There were more than a few scientists who knew one little thing, and then thought that knowledge was universally applicable to every other problem, to the point of excluding or discounting information from people whose specialty was that other problem.”

307. “There were more than a few scientists who knew one little thing, and then thought that knowledge was universally applicable to every other problem, to the point of excluding or discounting information from people whose specialty was that other problem.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “Simply put, she was the one who had to put up with me. That she did so with love and patience and encouragement instead of strangling me, throwing my remains into a wood chipper, and then pretending she had never been married to me at all is a testament to the fact that she is, in fact, the single best person I know.”

308. “Simply put, she was the one who had to put up with me. That she did so with love and patience and encouragement instead of strangling me, throwing my remains into a wood chipper, and then pretending she had never been married to me at all is a testament to the fact that she is, in fact, the single best person I know.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “It’s okay if we turned entire cities full of people into nuclear ash, but the idea of monsters having a nibble afterward was just too much.”

309. “It’s okay if we turned entire cities full of people into nuclear ash, but the idea of monsters having a nibble afterward was just too much.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “I can’t tell if you’re joking with me,” I said. “I’m mostly joking with you.” “That ‘mostly’ is doing a lot of work in that sentence.”

310. “I can’t tell if you’re joking with me,” I said. “I’m mostly joking with you.” “That ‘mostly’ is doing a lot of work in that sentence.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “It was breathtaking the situations that humans put themselves into, and still managed to thrive.”

311. “It was breathtaking the situations that humans put themselves into, and still managed to thrive.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “I had been getting sidetracked by the idea that an entire fearsome race of aliens had given themselves goofy names because of the names I had thoughtlessly given two of them more than a decade before;.”

312. “I had been getting sidetracked by the idea that an entire fearsome race of aliens had given themselves goofy names because of the names I had thoughtlessly given two of them more than a decade before;.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “You seem tense,” Kahurangi said to them. “Of course I’m tense,” Niamh snapped back. “We have a stupid plan.” “You’re just saying this because it’s my plan.” “I’m not just saying it because it’s your plan, and also, yes.”

313. “You seem tense,” Kahurangi said to them. “Of course I’m tense,” Niamh snapped back. “We have a stupid plan.” “You’re just saying this because it’s my plan.” “I’m not just saying it because it’s your plan, and also, yes.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “It was stupidly perfect how all my problems were suddenly solved with the strategic application of money.”

314. “It was stupidly perfect how all my problems were suddenly solved with the strategic application of money.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “Enzo showed a flair for words early and wrote his first story when he was seven, entitled “The horrible sock that smelled bad and ate Pomona Falls except for my house,” in which a large sock, mutated by its own horrible unwashed smell, started eating its way through the contents of an entire town and was thwarted only when the heroes Enzo and Magdy first punched it into submission and then threw it into a swimming pool filled with laundry soap.”

315. “Enzo showed a flair for words early and wrote his first story when he was seven, entitled “The horrible sock that smelled bad and ate Pomona Falls except for my house,” in which a large sock, mutated by its own horrible unwashed smell, started eating its way through the contents of an entire town and was thwarted only when the heroes Enzo and Magdy first punched it into submission and then threw it into a swimming pool filled with laundry soap.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “Well, aren’t you a massive prick,” I said, quietly, under the roar of the helicopter. “What?” Sanders asked. “I said, ‘That’s a nifty trick.”

316. “Well, aren’t you a massive prick,” I said, quietly, under the roar of the helicopter. “What?” Sanders asked. “I said, ‘That’s a nifty trick.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “The short version is ‘Yes, but.’ The slightly longer version is ‘No, and.’ Which version would you like?”

317. “The short version is ‘Yes, but.’ The slightly longer version is ‘No, and.’ Which version would you like?”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “Maybe after the first dozen times it happened, the Universal Union should have started engineering for space defenestration. NICK.”

318. “Maybe after the first dozen times it happened, the Universal Union should have started engineering for space defenestration. NICK.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “I opened the door for him; he took off like a furry heat-seeking slobber missile.”

319. “I opened the door for him; he took off like a furry heat-seeking slobber missile.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “It was a very cozy meeting. In addition to my role as visitor liaison, I was also, once again, supervising snacks.”

320. “It was a very cozy meeting. In addition to my role as visitor liaison, I was also, once again, supervising snacks.”

— John Scalzi

John Scalzi Quote: “Bennett was silent for a minute, considering. “Offering to actually help me,” he said. “No one’s tried that tactic before. Very sneaky.” “We try,” I said.”

321. “Bennett was silent for a minute, considering. “Offering to actually help me,” he said. “No one’s tried that tactic before. Very sneaky.” “We try,” I said.”

— John Scalzi

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