Top 300 John Scalzi Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “For two years, all you have to do is go where they tell you, stay behind your rifle, and kill and not be killed. It’s simple, but simple isn’t the same as easy.”

— John Scalzi

202. “Oh, God,” I said. “Thank you so very much for the mental image of Dad as a teenage sack of hormones. That’s the sort of image that takes therapy to get rid of.”

— John Scalzi

203. “I worked in marketing,” Rachela I said. “Before I was a prophet. After, too, but we didn’t call it that after that point.”

— John Scalzi

204. “A newspaper publisher. In the late 1800s the United States and Spain were warming up for a war over Cuba, and Hearst sent an illustrator to Cuba to make pictures of the event. When the illustrator got there, he sent a telegram to Hearst saying that as far as he could see, there was no war coming and that he was going home. Hearst sent back that he should stay and said, ‘You furnish the pictures, and I will furnish the war.’ And he did.”

— John Scalzi

205. “The diagnostic said there was nothing wrong with the threep, which may have meant there was something wrong with the diagnostic.”

— John Scalzi

206. “There’s nothing like sharing menarche with a billion hermaphrodites. I think it was everyone’s first time.”

— John Scalzi

207. “Dreher laments we now live in a “post-Christian” America, but he’s wrong. The Americans who are standing with their loved ones and neighbors are in fact doing exactly what Jesus asked them to do, when he said that we should love each other as we love ourselves. It’s possible, however, that we live in a post-accepting-bigotry-cloaking-itself-in-the-raiments-of-Christ America. And, you know. I can live in that America just fine.”

— John Scalzi

208. “It is sort of remarkable to me how much grief can well up when a pet dies, until one remembers that they are in fact people, who just happen not to be human.”

— John Scalzi

209. “If they can work out the kinks, it could revolutionize space travel.” “ ‘Work out the kinks’?” Jared said. “I’m about to use this thing. Kinks are bad.”

— John Scalzi

210. “I strongly suggest not trying that attitude with the crew, either.” “Why? Because it would be mean?” “No, because they’ll break a butter knife off in your neck.”

— John Scalzi

211. “And before that, there was, oh, I don’t know, editors experiencing demonic possessions and devouring lagging midlist writers. It’s always something.”

— John Scalzi

212. “I was just talking about you,” Cardenia said, coming up to him. “To your imaginary friends, I see.” “They’re not imaginary. They’re just not real.” “Very subtle distinction.”

— John Scalzi

213. “It’s not that Seaborg disliked Harvey, but after a couple of combat drops with the 2nd Platoon one got the sense that if you didn’t like things to explode unnecessarily around you, you would want to stay well clear of Daniel Harvey.”

— John Scalzi

214. “In all of the history of professional sports, the Cubs are the ultimate symbol of complete failure.”

— John Scalzi

215. “She had the expression of the cat who ate the canary and then threw it up in her owner’s favorite shoes.”

— John Scalzi

216. “Do your people have racists? People who believe they are inherently superior to all other types of intelligent people?” “We have some,” Sorvalh said. “They’re generally agreed to be idiots.”

— John Scalzi

217. “This novel took me rather longer than usual to write, for a number of reasons but one big one being simply that 2017 was a raging trash fire of a year, filled with horrible people trying to do horrible things and often succeeding. It’s harder to bear down creatively when the world is burning.”

— John Scalzi

218. “That’s what I’d ask you to do: Hope for peace. Because I know that I would love to be able to lay down my weapon and get to being a colonist. Just like you are. Just like I want to be.”

— John Scalzi

219. “Mathematics were not the usual dream material for Marce. Most of his dreams, historically speaking, were the standard rehashing of the events of the last few days in an inchoate, plotless manner, with or without pants.”

— John Scalzi

220. “You see tools and parts and my arm shoved inside a small spacecraft, and you really have to ask what I’m doing?”

— John Scalzi

221. “Sometimes I don’t know if my life is complicated, or if it’s that I just think too much about things.”

— John Scalzi

222. “It’s not spam if you agree to it,” Tony said. “They just won’t have much of a choice.”

— John Scalzi

223. “You have five minutes,” I said. “Of course, because any more time would make this too easy.”

— John Scalzi

224. “You asked for help,” Wilson said. I also tried to blow up your ship with you in it. “That was before you knew me,” Wilson said. I’m sorry about that. “I’m not going to tell you not to be sorry,” Wilson said, “but I can understand wanting to get your body back.”

— John Scalzi

225. “Here’s a hot tip: If you think calling someone a social justice warrior is an insult, you might be a horrible person.”

— John Scalzi

226. “Well, isn’t that just like religion for you, Archie,” he said. “One day it’s a nice way to spend your weekends and the next you’re in the middle of a righteous theological clusterfuck.”

— John Scalzi

227. “She was my friend. Briefly, she was my lover. She was braver than I ever would have been in the moment of death. And I bet she was a hell of a shooting star.”

— John Scalzi

228. “If you ever want to feel like you’re on the verge of total, abject bowel-releasing terror, try making your way a klick or two out of a forest, at night, with the certain feeling you’re being hunted. It makes you feel alive, it really does, but not in a way you want to feel alive.”

— John Scalzi

229. “How is it so far?” asked Cloud. “How is what so far?” “This,” Cloud said, and motioned around him. “Life. The universe. Everything.” “It’s lonely,” Jared said. “Huh,” Cloud said. “Didn’t take you long to figure that one out.”

— John Scalzi

230. “One day I’d like to visit this planet without having to toss myself down its atmosphere.”

— John Scalzi

231. “After our negotiations were completed, the dome would be imploded and launched toward the nearest black hole, so that none of its atoms would ever contaminate this particular universe again. I thought that last part was overkill.”

— John Scalzi

232. “Now, you may think that this is some sort of generalized hatred that I will carry for the lot of you. Let me assure you that this is not the case. Each of you will fail, but you will fail in your own unique way, and therefore I will dislike each of you on an individual basis.”

— John Scalzi

233. “Which reminds me that you’ll be searched on both ends of your journey, on both ends of your body. Sorry, that was a nonnegotiable.” Nadashe shrugged. “I was groped worse in college.” “I don’t know what to do with that information.”

— John Scalzi

234. “I do not mind when you tell me what you want and put that first instead of last.”

— John Scalzi

235. “And as luck would have it, a position opened up here.” “It wasn’t luck,” Mbeke said. “It was a Longranian Ice Shark,” Cassaway said.”

— John Scalzi

236. “Anyway, I might have just gone on about porn too long.”

— John Scalzi

237. “The Fflict recognized five genders: male, female, zhial, yal, and neuter. Aul was zhial, and ze liked zis pronouns accurately stated. I would too, in zis position.”

— John Scalzi

238. “A fourth part of his brain was saying, This is the part where you run and scream a lot. He was listening to the fourth part.”

— John Scalzi

239. “Still, I’d like to know how you came up with that line of reasoning.” “You can thank a rabbi,” Javna said. “And a hot dog.”

— John Scalzi

240. “I don’t discount that in the end, everything I do, say, write and am will amount to a whole lot of not much; I just don’t think it’s a relevant metric. The relevant metric is: Have I constructed a life that gives me happiness, allows me to give happiness, and allows for this life to have meaning within its admittedly limited context? If I am succeeding in this particular metric, I think I’m doing pretty well.”

— John Scalzi

241. “I said ‘not so much,’” Dr. Russell said. “Not so much as what? Having your head stepped on by an elephant?” “Not so much as when the sensors connect to each other,” Dr. Russell said. “The good news is that as soon as they’re connected, the pain stops. Now hold still, this will only take a minute.” He tapped the PDA again. Eighty thousand needles shot out in every direction in my skull. I have never wanted to punch a doctor so much in my life.”

— John Scalzi

242. “Listen. I don’t care if you ever think about the fact that you can always taste your mouth. You are always tasting your mouth. It’s where you keep your tongue. Your tongue doesn’t have an off switch. You are tasting your mouth right now, and now that I’ve brought it to your attention, you’re probably realizing that you should probably brush or chew some gum or something. Because your mouth, by default, is a kind of a little off, tastewise.”

— John Scalzi

243. “KPS is not, and I say this with absolutely no slight intended, a brooding symphony of a novel. It’s a pop song. It’s meant to be light and catchy, with three minutes of hooks and choruses for you to sing along with, and then you’re done and you go on with your day, hopefully with a smile on your face. I had fun writing this, and I needed to have fun writing this. We all need a pop song from time to time, particularly after a stretch of darkness.”

— John Scalzi

244. “I have always found that there’s an inverse relationship between the number of people in a room and the amount of useful work that can be done.”

— John Scalzi

245. “Did she tell you I set puppies on fire, too?” Vann asked. “She did not,” I said. “It may have been implied.”

— John Scalzi

246. “It’s conspiracy mongering.” “I agree. But not all conspiracies crop up because someone forgot to adjust their tinfoil hat, ma’am. Sometimes they’re part of a disinformation campaign.”

— John Scalzi

247. “If he dies during the jump, I would suggest it would be politic for you to follow him,” Abumwe said.”

— John Scalzi

248. “If memory serves, the last time we met there were also exploding starships,” I said, to Wilson. “That’s odd,” Lowen said. “The last time I saw Harry, there were exploding starships, too.” “It’s coincidental,” Wilson said, looking at Lowen and then at me.”

— John Scalzi

249. “My job is to be your loyal opposition.”

— John Scalzi

250. “The trick is not to find the story of the century. You won’t miss that story when it happens. No one will miss it. The trick is to find the story of the day and for that day make whoever reads it or hears it care about it so intensely that it doesn’t leave them. Then it becomes a story of their life. Maybe even the story of their life.”

— John Scalzi