Top 300 John Scalzi Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “I said ‘not so much,’” Dr. Russell said. “Not so much as what? Having your head stepped on by an elephant?” “Not so much as when the sensors connect to each other,” Dr. Russell said. “The good news is that as soon as they’re connected, the pain stops. Now hold still, this will only take a minute.” He tapped the PDA again. Eighty thousand needles shot out in every direction in my skull. I have never wanted to punch a doctor so much in my life.”

— John Scalzi

252. “Listen. I don’t care if you ever think about the fact that you can always taste your mouth. You are always tasting your mouth. It’s where you keep your tongue. Your tongue doesn’t have an off switch. You are tasting your mouth right now, and now that I’ve brought it to your attention, you’re probably realizing that you should probably brush or chew some gum or something. Because your mouth, by default, is a kind of a little off, tastewise.”

— John Scalzi

253. “I have always found that there’s an inverse relationship between the number of people in a room and the amount of useful work that can be done.”

— John Scalzi

254. “Did she tell you I set puppies on fire, too?” Vann asked. “She did not,” I said. “It may have been implied.”

— John Scalzi

255. “It’s conspiracy mongering.” “I agree. But not all conspiracies crop up because someone forgot to adjust their tinfoil hat, ma’am. Sometimes they’re part of a disinformation campaign.”

— John Scalzi

256. “Leon had attached himself to me in Chicago like a fat, brat-and-beer-filled tick; I was amazed that someone whose blood was clearly half pork grease had made it to age seventy-five.”

— John Scalzi

257. “Apparently you don’t have to understand physics to protest.”

— John Scalzi

258. “But imagine you’re a tapeworm, and then suddenly you’re Goethe. It’s like that.”

— John Scalzi

259. “You can’t afford anthropomorphic biases when some of the aliens most like us would rather make human hamburgers than peace.”

— John Scalzi

260. “This would require an e-book reader that is as easy to read as a traditional book, durable to abuse as much as we abuse paperbacks and cheap enough that when you lose it, you can buy another one.”

— John Scalzi

261. “I have drinks,” Hanson said, coming up behind Duvall. “Why, Jimmy,” Duvall said. “That makes you my new favorite person.”

— John Scalzi

262. “Destiny gets compressed, you know, into just that small fraction of a second you have right in front of you at any one time. And there’s nothing romantic about keeping your head down to avoid getting shot, or trying to save a friend who’s been injured, or coming face to face with a creature who is as smart and mean and as terrified of dying as you are, and who wants to make sure that if someone is left on the ground there, it’s you and not it.”

— John Scalzi

263. “You’ve got yourself a cloned body here, Jim.”

— John Scalzi

264. “KPS is not, and I say this with absolutely no slight intended, a brooding symphony of a novel. It’s a pop song. It’s meant to be light and catchy, with three minutes of hooks and choruses for you to sing along with, and then you’re done and you go on with your day, hopefully with a smile on your face. I had fun writing this, and I needed to have fun writing this. We all need a pop song from time to time, particularly after a stretch of darkness.”

— John Scalzi

265. “I will not let my sales figures dictate what I say on the blog, because the blog is what I want to say.”

— John Scalzi

266. “Ensign Davis thought, Screw this, I want to live, and swerved to avoid the land worms. But then he tripped and one of the land worms ate his face and he died anyway.”

— John Scalzi

267. “Listen, you have to understand something. In all of the history of professional sports, the Cubs are the ultimate symbol of complete failure. The championship of baseball is something called the World Series, and it’s been so long since the Cubs have won it that no one who is alive could remember the last time they won it. It’s so long that no one alive knew anyone who was alive when they won it. We’re talking centuries of abject failure here.”

— John Scalzi

268. “And so we learn how simple it is to change the history of the universe,” Sorvalh said. “All you need is for every other thing to have gone so horribly wrong.”

— John Scalzi

269. “The moral of the story was not to wear a red shirt. Or go on away missions when you’re the only one whose name isn’t on the opening credits.”

— John Scalzi

270. “They found no colonists, but they found parts of them. And a lot of blood.”

— John Scalzi

271. “Hickory, have you ever lied to me?” I asked. “I do not believe you are aware of me or any Obin ever lying to you,” Hickory said.”

— John Scalzi

272. “The goal shouldn’t be to make your child eat an entire set of encyclopedias by the age of six. The goal should be to encourage your child to be curious – to want to learn about the world, and explore the things that are in it.”

— John Scalzi

273. “This is my first time working with a human,” Werd said, to Wilson. “How’s it going so far?” Wilson asked. “Not bad,” Werd said. “You’re kind of ugly, though.” “I get that a lot,” Wilson said. “I bet you do,” Werd said. “I won’t hold it against you.” “Thanks,” Wilson said. “But if you smell, I’m pushing you out an airlock,” Werd said.”

— John Scalzi

274. “Because every time I think of starships skipping across the galaxy, I imagine Albert Einstein in a policeman’s uniform, writing up a ticket.”

— John Scalzi

275. “I’ve met a lot of people in the diplomatic corps who were in love with the sound of their own voice, but this guy. He and his voice should just get a room.”

— John Scalzi

276. “That’s the point of rumors. They’re not based on anything, so nothing is very effective against them. Truth is no defense, and the people fielding these rumors know it.”

— John Scalzi

277. “My Schadenfreude phaser is set to “Meh”.”

— John Scalzi

278. “After everything, what it all means is that if one day we slip in the bathroom and crack our head on the toilet, our last thoughts can be a satisfied, ‘Well, I and only I did this to myself.”

— John Scalzi

279. “I tried being a vegan for a while, but I couldn’t live without cheese.” “They have vegan cheese.” “No, they don’t. They have shredded orange and white sadness that mocks cheese and everything it stands for.”

— John Scalzi

280. “While landing a spacecraft on a planet via Skip Drive navigation was officially and strongly discouraged by the Colonial Union, the Colonial Defense Forces recognized the strategic value of sudden and unexpected arrivals.”

— John Scalzi

281. “It’s because I remind them they’re not God,” I said. “And that if there is one, I’m closer to Him than they are.”

— John Scalzi

282. “Sometimes I don’t know if my life is complicated, or if it’s that I just think too much about things.”

— John Scalzi

283. “Now What?” Kerensky said. “We wait,” Dahl said. “For how long?” Kerensky said, ” As long as dramatically appropriate,” Dahl said.”

— John Scalzi

284. “You are, at least to a certain approximation, human. You’re not supposed to be here.”

— John Scalzi

285. “Who are you, who is so wise in the way of alien fungus?”

— John Scalzi

286. “Whether they are up to our standards or not, the fact remains: We need more crew.”

— John Scalzi

287. “The base of the water tower gave every indication of being a solid argument for tetanus shots.”

— John Scalzi

288. “So many people go through life without love. Wanting love. Hoping for love. Hungering for more of it than they have. Missing love when it was gone.”

— John Scalzi

289. “That thing looks like H. P. Lovecraft’s panic attack.”

— John Scalzi

290. “You have no idea how difficult it was for me to not say, ‘Welcome to Jurassic Park!’ to all of you just now.”

— John Scalzi

291. “Humans, being intermediary creatures in both time and space, did not fully appreciate the value of life at every physical and temporal scale.”

— John Scalzi

292. “Firebomb the place,” Laertes said, from the room he and Brent shared, where he was playing a video game. “No one’s firebombing anything,” Brent yelled back to Laertes. “Yet,” Laertes replied. “You can’t firebomb your way out of every problem,” Brent said. “You can’t,” Laertes called back.”

— John Scalzi

293. “The only real question is, who are the monsters?” “They ask that question in every monster movie, you know. It’s an actual trope.” “I know,” Tom said. “What does it say about us that it’s relevant every single time they ask it?”

— John Scalzi

294. “How long do you think it will take them to get a transport here?” I asked. “Are you kidding?” Dad said. “If they didn’t send for one the second I was done talking to them, I’ll eat my hat.” “You don’t wear a hat,” I said. “I will buy a hat and eat it, then,” Dad said.”

— John Scalzi

295. “An alliance with terrible people.” “Really nice people don’t usually accrue power.”

— John Scalzi

296. “But then he tripped and one of the land worms ate his face and he died anyway.”

— John Scalzi

297. “Angrily consume your bacon on the toilet, is my advice.”

— John Scalzi

298. “So we’re the monster police, too,” I said to Tom. “Correct,” he replied. “The only real question is, who are the monsters?”

— John Scalzi

299. “There’s no but. You’re right. It’s just a reminder that war favors the rich. The ones who can leave, do. The ones who can’t, suffer.”

— John Scalzi

300. “It’s okay if we turned entire cities full of people into nuclear ash, but the idea of monsters having a nibble afterward was just too much.”

— John Scalzi