Top 300 John Scalzi Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “I’m not sure I like their plan for converting us to their religion, seeing as it involves dying and all.”

— John Scalzi

252. “If memory serves, the last time we met there were also exploding starships,” I said, to Wilson. “That’s odd,” Lowen said. “The last time I saw Harry, there were exploding starships, too.” “It’s coincidental,” Wilson said, looking at Lowen and then at me.”

— John Scalzi

253. “But imagine you’re a tapeworm, and then suddenly you’re Goethe. It’s like that.”

— John Scalzi

254. “After everything, what it all means is that if one day we slip in the bathroom and crack our head on the toilet, our last thoughts can be a satisfied, ‘Well, I and only I did this to myself.”

— John Scalzi

255. “I have always found that there’s an inverse relationship between the number of people in a room and the amount of useful work that can be done.”

— John Scalzi

256. “You could say our new colonies live off the bodies of the dead. Only they’re not really the bodies of the dead. They’re just the cast-off bodies of the living.”

— John Scalzi

257. “People don’t mind having the mystical aspect of a church being poorly defined as long as you make the rules of the church clear.”

— John Scalzi

258. “My job is to be your loyal opposition.”

— John Scalzi

259. “I said ‘not so much,’” Dr. Russell said. “Not so much as what? Having your head stepped on by an elephant?” “Not so much as when the sensors connect to each other,” Dr. Russell said. “The good news is that as soon as they’re connected, the pain stops. Now hold still, this will only take a minute.” He tapped the PDA again. Eighty thousand needles shot out in every direction in my skull. I have never wanted to punch a doctor so much in my life.”

— John Scalzi

260. “Listen. I don’t care if you ever think about the fact that you can always taste your mouth. You are always tasting your mouth. It’s where you keep your tongue. Your tongue doesn’t have an off switch. You are tasting your mouth right now, and now that I’ve brought it to your attention, you’re probably realizing that you should probably brush or chew some gum or something. Because your mouth, by default, is a kind of a little off, tastewise.”

— John Scalzi

261. “Breakfast was amazing, and I say that having been married to a woman who could make a breakfast spread that would have made Gandhi stop a fast.”

— John Scalzi

262. “It’s the truth.” “Oh, my daughter,” Huma said, and smiled. “Don’t tell me you don’t know how little that actually means.”

— John Scalzi

263. “You can’t afford anthropomorphic biases when some of the aliens most like us would rather make human hamburgers than peace.”

— John Scalzi

264. “This would require an e-book reader that is as easy to read as a traditional book, durable to abuse as much as we abuse paperbacks and cheap enough that when you lose it, you can buy another one.”

— John Scalzi

265. “That’s the point of rumors. They’re not based on anything, so nothing is very effective against them. Truth is no defense, and the people fielding these rumors know it.”

— John Scalzi

266. “Leon had attached himself to me in Chicago like a fat, brat-and-beer-filled tick; I was amazed that someone whose blood was clearly half pork grease had made it to age seventy-five.”

— John Scalzi

267. “Listen, you have to understand something. In all of the history of professional sports, the Cubs are the ultimate symbol of complete failure. The championship of baseball is something called the World Series, and it’s been so long since the Cubs have won it that no one who is alive could remember the last time they won it. It’s so long that no one alive knew anyone who was alive when they won it. We’re talking centuries of abject failure here.”

— John Scalzi

268. “Because every time I think of starships skipping across the galaxy, I imagine Albert Einstein in a policeman’s uniform, writing up a ticket.”

— John Scalzi

269. “Destiny gets compressed, you know, into just that small fraction of a second you have right in front of you at any one time. And there’s nothing romantic about keeping your head down to avoid getting shot, or trying to save a friend who’s been injured, or coming face to face with a creature who is as smart and mean and as terrified of dying as you are, and who wants to make sure that if someone is left on the ground there, it’s you and not it.”

— John Scalzi

270. “I have drinks,” Hanson said, coming up behind Duvall. “Why, Jimmy,” Duvall said. “That makes you my new favorite person.”

— John Scalzi

271. “Apparently you don’t have to understand physics to protest.”

— John Scalzi

272. “And so we learn how simple it is to change the history of the universe,” Sorvalh said. “All you need is for every other thing to have gone so horribly wrong.”

— John Scalzi

273. “That thing looks like H. P. Lovecraft’s panic attack.”

— John Scalzi

274. “I will not let my sales figures dictate what I say on the blog, because the blog is what I want to say.”

— John Scalzi

275. “The base of the water tower gave every indication of being a solid argument for tetanus shots.”

— John Scalzi

276. “They found no colonists, but they found parts of them. And a lot of blood.”

— John Scalzi

277. “You are, at least to a certain approximation, human. You’re not supposed to be here.”

— John Scalzi

278. “The moral of the story was not to wear a red shirt. Or go on away missions when you’re the only one whose name isn’t on the opening credits.”

— John Scalzi

279. “Ensign Davis thought, Screw this, I want to live, and swerved to avoid the land worms. But then he tripped and one of the land worms ate his face and he died anyway.”

— John Scalzi

280. “I’ve met a lot of people in the diplomatic corps who were in love with the sound of their own voice, but this guy. He and his voice should just get a room.”

— John Scalzi

281. “My Schadenfreude phaser is set to “Meh”.”

— John Scalzi

282. “So many people go through life without love. Wanting love. Hoping for love. Hungering for more of it than they have. Missing love when it was gone.”

— John Scalzi

283. “While landing a spacecraft on a planet via Skip Drive navigation was officially and strongly discouraged by the Colonial Union, the Colonial Defense Forces recognized the strategic value of sudden and unexpected arrivals.”

— John Scalzi

284. “It’s because I remind them they’re not God,” I said. “And that if there is one, I’m closer to Him than they are.”

— John Scalzi

285. “The goal shouldn’t be to make your child eat an entire set of encyclopedias by the age of six. The goal should be to encourage your child to be curious – to want to learn about the world, and explore the things that are in it.”

— John Scalzi

286. “Whether they are up to our standards or not, the fact remains: We need more crew.”

— John Scalzi

287. “This is my first time working with a human,” Werd said, to Wilson. “How’s it going so far?” Wilson asked. “Not bad,” Werd said. “You’re kind of ugly, though.” “I get that a lot,” Wilson said. “I bet you do,” Werd said. “I won’t hold it against you.” “Thanks,” Wilson said. “But if you smell, I’m pushing you out an airlock,” Werd said.”

— John Scalzi

288. “Hickory, have you ever lied to me?” I asked. “I do not believe you are aware of me or any Obin ever lying to you,” Hickory said.”

— John Scalzi

289. “Now What?” Kerensky said. “We wait,” Dahl said. “For how long?” Kerensky said, ” As long as dramatically appropriate,” Dahl said.”

— John Scalzi

290. “Who are you, who is so wise in the way of alien fungus?”

— John Scalzi

291. “The only real question is, who are the monsters?” “They ask that question in every monster movie, you know. It’s an actual trope.” “I know,” Tom said. “What does it say about us that it’s relevant every single time they ask it?”

— John Scalzi

292. “You have no idea how difficult it was for me to not say, ‘Welcome to Jurassic Park!’ to all of you just now.”

— John Scalzi

293. “Angrily consume your bacon on the toilet, is my advice.”

— John Scalzi

294. “I saw the light go out in her eyes, but I kept telling her how much I loved her until they took her away from me at the hospital.” “Why did you do that?” Jane asked. “I needed to be sure that the last thing she heard was me telling her how much I loved her,” I said.”

— John Scalzi

295. “It was breathtaking the situations that humans put themselves into, and still managed to thrive.”

— John Scalzi

296. “Making people change because you can’t deal with who they are isn’t how it’s supposed to be done. What needs to be done is for people to pull their heads out of their asses.”

— John Scalzi

297. “Humans, being intermediary creatures in both time and space, did not fully appreciate the value of life at every physical and temporal scale.”

— John Scalzi

298. “So we’re the monster police, too,” I said to Tom. “Correct,” he replied. “The only real question is, who are the monsters?”

— John Scalzi

299. “An alliance with terrible people.” “Really nice people don’t usually accrue power.”

— John Scalzi

300. “Firebomb the place,” Laertes said, from the room he and Brent shared, where he was playing a video game. “No one’s firebombing anything,” Brent yelled back to Laertes. “Yet,” Laertes replied. “You can’t firebomb your way out of every problem,” Brent said. “You can’t,” Laertes called back.”

— John Scalzi