Top 280 Jon Stewart Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.”

— Jon Stewart

52. “The enemy is noise. The goal is clarity.”

— Jon Stewart

53. “If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.”

— Jon Stewart

54. “We declared war on terror-it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.”

— Jon Stewart

55. “We’re Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.”

— Jon Stewart

56. “Spain’s new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain’s 1300 troops from Iraq – meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.”

— Jon Stewart

57. “We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.”

— Jon Stewart

58. “Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as ‘job creator.’ You can’t even use the word ‘rich.’ You have to say, ‘This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.’”

— Jon Stewart

59. “What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.”

— Jon Stewart

60. “We are told that we live in a free market capitalist society. And everything that I see tells me we are not. If you give corporations access to the money hose, that’s stimulus. But if you give people access to the money hose, that’s socialism.”

— Jon Stewart

61. “Do you guys have to sell everything? I’d like to buy the Earth’s core.”

— Jon Stewart

62. “People, if you can’t get through the puns, I can’t give you the good stuff.”

— Jon Stewart

63. “The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.”

— Jon Stewart

64. “As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.”

— Jon Stewart

65. “That’s the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.”

— Jon Stewart

66. “Watching Fox, that’s like watching the Cartoon Network. Fox is nuts.”

— Jon Stewart

67. “It’s a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights as someone else.”

— Jon Stewart

68. “When you are actually powerful, you don’t need to be petty.”

— Jon Stewart

69. “The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That’s all it is. All those media companies say, “We’re going to make a killing here.” You won’t because it’s still only as good as the content.”

— Jon Stewart

70. “There’s nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship.”

— Jon Stewart

71. “The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B.”

— Jon Stewart

72. “Fire up your heart for the wind is getting cold, now it always gets cold for the riders of the night. When you carry that dream when you know what lonesome is looking for a home like a bird in flight.”

— Jon Stewart

73. “I don’t trust any country that looks around a continent and says, “Hey, I’ll take the frozen part.””

— Jon Stewart

74. “They always throw around this term ‘the liberal elite.’ And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What’s more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?”

— Jon Stewart

75. “Nobody says, hey men should not drink. It’s all about women must dress differently, women must walk differently, women must drink differently. Why are we not able to hold men to account for this behavior?”

— Jon Stewart

76. “People talk about sexual assault like it’s a bad habit that men have.”

— Jon Stewart

77. “The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic.”

— Jon Stewart

78. “College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.”

— Jon Stewart

79. “You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.”

— Jon Stewart

80. “You’re on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?”

— Jon Stewart

81. “Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition?”

— Jon Stewart

82. “No one is better at not beating America than England.”

— Jon Stewart

83. “The Vietnam war was fought over portion size.”

— Jon Stewart

84. “Although to be fair, cherry picking isn’t quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I’ll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!”

— Jon Stewart

85. “I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.”

— Jon Stewart

86. “New York City isn’t Chuck E. Cheese. We don’t have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack.”

— Jon Stewart

87. “Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.”

— Jon Stewart

88. “I mean, I’m not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I’m hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.”

— Jon Stewart

89. “Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we’re in a battle between tyranny and freedom – it’s a series of pendulum swings.”

— Jon Stewart

90. “I’m doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It’s a little thing called “fear of success”.”

— Jon Stewart

91. “In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can’t get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.”

— Jon Stewart

92. “It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.”

— Jon Stewart

93. “I’m too short to host a late-night talk show. It’s like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.”

— Jon Stewart

94. “No, I live in New Jersey because I like living in New Jersey.”

— Jon Stewart

95. “If you’re going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you’ve also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you’re going to have rioting in the streets.”

— Jon Stewart

96. “People! Take to the streets and scream ‘BE REASONABLE!’”

— Jon Stewart

97. “I don’t think marijuana should be illegal.”

— Jon Stewart

98. “Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it.”

— Jon Stewart

99. “Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?”

— Jon Stewart

100. “The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they’re going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.”

— Jon Stewart