Top 280 Jon Stewart Quotes (2026 Update)
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51. “The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.”

— Jon Stewart

52. “By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.”

— Jon Stewart

53. “The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.”

— Jon Stewart

54. “They always throw around this term ‘the liberal elite.’ And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What’s more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?”

— Jon Stewart

55. “I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.”

— Jon Stewart

56. “Gay people can’t be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What’s the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. Private, shoot that man! I can’t, he’s adorable.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Country Quotes

57. “It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.”

— Jon Stewart

58. “In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can’t get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.”

— Jon Stewart

59. “Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.”

— Jon Stewart

60. “If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.”

— Jon Stewart

61. “In whose delusional mind is democracy made ‘better’ by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?”

— Jon Stewart

62. “They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.”

— Jon Stewart

63. “Megachurches. I can’t be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.”

— Jon Stewart

64. “We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.”

— Jon Stewart

65. “Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.”

— Jon Stewart

66. “We’re Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.”

— Jon Stewart

67. “Spain’s new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain’s 1300 troops from Iraq – meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.”

— Jon Stewart

68. “Do you guys have to sell everything? I’d like to buy the Earth’s core.”

— Jon Stewart

69. “Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as ‘job creator.’ You can’t even use the word ‘rich.’ You have to say, ‘This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.’”

— Jon Stewart

70. “People, if you can’t get through the puns, I can’t give you the good stuff.”

— Jon Stewart

71. “The last thing we’ll hear is some scientist saying ‘It works!’”

— Jon Stewart

72. “Isn’t it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?”

— Jon Stewart

73. “Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.”

— Jon Stewart

74. “I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.”

— Jon Stewart

75. “The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.”

— Jon Stewart

76. “We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.”

— Jon Stewart

77. “So if you’re negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.”

— Jon Stewart

78. “That’s the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.”

— Jon Stewart

79. “As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.”

— Jon Stewart

80. “Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.”

— Jon Stewart

81. “Democrats – always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in.”

— Jon Stewart

82. “They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.”

— Jon Stewart

83. “Watching Fox, that’s like watching the Cartoon Network. Fox is nuts.”

— Jon Stewart

84. “Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.”

— Jon Stewart

85. “It’s a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights as someone else.”

— Jon Stewart

86. “It is perhaps a sign of the strength of our republic that so few people feel the need to participate. That must be the reason.”

— Jon Stewart

87. “When you are actually powerful, you don’t need to be petty.”

— Jon Stewart

88. “There’s nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship.”

— Jon Stewart

89. “The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That’s all it is. All those media companies say, “We’re going to make a killing here.” You won’t because it’s still only as good as the content.”

— Jon Stewart

90. “The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B.”

— Jon Stewart

91. “I don’t trust any country that looks around a continent and says, “Hey, I’ll take the frozen part.””

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Country Quotes

92. “Fire up your heart for the wind is getting cold, now it always gets cold for the riders of the night. When you carry that dream when you know what lonesome is looking for a home like a bird in flight.”

— Jon Stewart

93. “Nobody says, hey men should not drink. It’s all about women must dress differently, women must walk differently, women must drink differently. Why are we not able to hold men to account for this behavior?”

— Jon Stewart

94. “The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic.”

— Jon Stewart

95. “People talk about sexual assault like it’s a bad habit that men have.”

— Jon Stewart

96. “College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.”

— Jon Stewart

97. “The Vietnam war was fought over portion size.”

— Jon Stewart

98. “You’re on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?”

— Jon Stewart

99. “You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.”

— Jon Stewart

100. “Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition?”

— Jon Stewart