Top 280 Jon Stewart Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “Here’s the thing about global warming that I didn’t realize: it would all happen at once.”

— Jon Stewart

152. “In case you’re wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you’re all wearing at home.”

— Jon Stewart

153. “Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.”

— Jon Stewart

154. “But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it’s about to attack them.”

— Jon Stewart

155. “Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high?”

— Jon Stewart

156. “How far back to the elementary school core curriculum do we have to go to get someone on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology caught up?”

— Jon Stewart

157. “The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party.”

— Jon Stewart

158. “When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There’s only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that’s your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?”

— Jon Stewart

159. “Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US.”

— Jon Stewart

160. “If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he’s not the problem.”

— Jon Stewart

161. “I’ve always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.”

— Jon Stewart

162. “How refreshing. A suspect beaten up BEFORE the LAPD showed up.”

— Jon Stewart

163. “If you watch the news and don’t like it, then this is your counter program to the news.”

— Jon Stewart

164. “The government should stop meddling in the business of the farmers, who would actually still be living ina desert if not for government meddling.”

— Jon Stewart

165. “It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won’t have guard dogs.”

— Jon Stewart

166. “We don’t consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that’s not – you know, that’s the beauty of fake journalism. We don’t have to – we travel in fake ethics.”

— Jon Stewart

167. “I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.”

— Jon Stewart

168. “Do you know what writing a book is? It’s sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.”

— Jon Stewart

169. “Oh press – must you spread hate? Can’t you just stick to being wrong?”

— Jon Stewart

170. “I’m not a very serious Jew. I don’t wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.”

— Jon Stewart

171. “Clearly, I’m way older than everyone.”

— Jon Stewart

172. “So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.”

— Jon Stewart

173. “It’s like hunting cows.”

— Jon Stewart

174. “The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.”

— Jon Stewart

175. “Get a sense of humor. If you don’t, it’ll be incredibly frustrating.”

— Jon Stewart

176. “Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.”

— Jon Stewart

177. “Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.”

— Jon Stewart

178. “Senior year is supposed to be about being mentally done.”

— Jon Stewart

179. “I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn’t steal it. It’s really a throwback to that.”

— Jon Stewart

180. “California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.”

— Jon Stewart

181. “Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office.”

— Jon Stewart

182. “Don’t you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves.”

— Jon Stewart

183. “To me, that’s where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.”

— Jon Stewart

184. “I’m a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.”

— Jon Stewart

185. “Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it’s the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.”

— Jon Stewart

186. “High school. You know, people say, ‘I’ll never do so-and-so again’ – then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you’re looking to stay awake.”

— Jon Stewart

187. “The last thing we’ll hear is some scientist saying ‘It works!’”

— Jon Stewart

188. “The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church’s Fried Chicken is a church.”

— Jon Stewart

189. “Models talk to you for six minutes and they’re very nice and they say thank you and then it’s off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.”

— Jon Stewart

190. “I can’t sing. Never been able to sing. I can’t do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can’t dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.”

— Jon Stewart

191. “Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing. I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd miners. I put on my helmet, I go and mine turds, hopefully I don’t get turd lung disease.”

— Jon Stewart

192. “If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.”

— Jon Stewart

193. “Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what’s wrong with what we’ve done in Iraq. We’ve been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.”

— Jon Stewart

194. “Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.”

— Jon Stewart

195. “We’ve come from the same history – 2000 years of persecution – we’ve just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music.”

— Jon Stewart

196. “I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe bears so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see.”

— Jon Stewart

197. “If you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold the debate at your house. Whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach: they have a big tent – you’re just not allowed in it.”

— Jon Stewart

198. “With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World.”

— Jon Stewart

199. “I can be in 20 movies. But I’ll never be an actor.”

— Jon Stewart

200. “Isn’t it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?”

— Jon Stewart