Top 280 Jon Stewart Quotes (2026 Update)
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151. “If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?”

— Jon Stewart

152. “What’s with the poverty Tourette’s? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president?”

— Jon Stewart

153. “McVeigh’s lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.”

— Jon Stewart

154. “Happy Valentine’s Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you’re probably alone. Valentine’s Day is often times a, well, it’s a manufactured day that really doesn’t mean anything.”

— Jon Stewart

155. “I thought we were out of money!? You can’t simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.”

— Jon Stewart

156. “Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons.”

— Jon Stewart

157. “Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he’s lying. How is that possible?”

— Jon Stewart

158. “Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.”

— Jon Stewart

159. “Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.”

— Jon Stewart

160. “We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem – it’s in North Korea.”

— Jon Stewart

161. “They create these rules and argue about things we don’t even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you’re sort of amused, but most of the time you’re thinking, pick up the ball! That’s what you’re thinking.”

— Jon Stewart

162. “But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it’s about to attack them.”

— Jon Stewart

163. “President Bush announced we’re going to Mars, which means he’s given up on Earth.”

— Jon Stewart

164. “When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There’s only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that’s your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?”

— Jon Stewart

165. “I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Quotes About Stories

166. “The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party.”

— Jon Stewart

167. “Here’s the thing about global warming that I didn’t realize: it would all happen at once.”

— Jon Stewart

168. “In case you’re wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you’re all wearing at home.”

— Jon Stewart

169. “I’ve always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.”

— Jon Stewart

170. “How far back to the elementary school core curriculum do we have to go to get someone on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology caught up?”

— Jon Stewart

171. “High school. You know, people say, ‘I’ll never do so-and-so again’ – then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you’re looking to stay awake.”

— Jon Stewart

172. “Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US.”

— Jon Stewart

173. “Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high?”

— Jon Stewart

174. “If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he’s not the problem.”

— Jon Stewart

175. “Clearly, I’m way older than everyone.”

— Jon Stewart

176. “The government should stop meddling in the business of the farmers, who would actually still be living ina desert if not for government meddling.”

— Jon Stewart

177. “How refreshing. A suspect beaten up BEFORE the LAPD showed up.”

— Jon Stewart

178. “So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.”

— Jon Stewart

179. “I’m not a very serious Jew. I don’t wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.”

— Jon Stewart

180. “Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it’s the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.”

— Jon Stewart

181. “To me, that’s where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.”

— Jon Stewart

182. “If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.”

— Jon Stewart

183. “Do you know what writing a book is? It’s sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.”

— Jon Stewart

184. “If you watch the news and don’t like it, then this is your counter program to the news.”

— Jon Stewart

185. “The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.”

— Jon Stewart

186. “Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.”

— Jon Stewart

187. “Oh press – must you spread hate? Can’t you just stick to being wrong?”

— Jon Stewart

188. “We don’t consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that’s not – you know, that’s the beauty of fake journalism. We don’t have to – we travel in fake ethics.”

— Jon Stewart

189. “It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won’t have guard dogs.”

— Jon Stewart

190. “California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.”

— Jon Stewart

191. “It’s like hunting cows.”

— Jon Stewart

192. “Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing. I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd miners. I put on my helmet, I go and mine turds, hopefully I don’t get turd lung disease.”

— Jon Stewart

193. “I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn’t steal it. It’s really a throwback to that.”

— Jon Stewart

194. “Senior year is supposed to be about being mentally done.”

— Jon Stewart

195. “With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World.”

— Jon Stewart

196. “Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office.”

— Jon Stewart

197. “Get a sense of humor. If you don’t, it’ll be incredibly frustrating.”

— Jon Stewart

198. “Don’t you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves.”

— Jon Stewart

199. “Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Strong Quotes

200. “I’m a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.”

— Jon Stewart