Top 280 Jon Stewart Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “Don’t worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.”

— Jon Stewart

252. “This show is our own personal beliefs.”

— Jon Stewart

253. “Typically, when you’re with your friends, premises are coming up left and right. But when you’re on stage, you must create the premise. So you have to create the premise, paint the picture and then deliver the punch line.”

— Jon Stewart

254. “People that worry about where they think they’re going next generally don’t end up where they think they’re going. I just worry about what I’m doing now and try to make it good. When you’ve got too much of a master plan, it’s going to fail.”

— Jon Stewart

255. “The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, ‘Way to try!’”

— Jon Stewart

256. “Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president’s re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn’t work, North Korea has to go.”

— Jon Stewart

257. “Well, I’m sold. I’ll take one America.”

— Jon Stewart

258. “I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a ‘Peanuts’ character.”

— Jon Stewart

259. “I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them.”

— Jon Stewart

260. “Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted ‘Bingo!’ counted as a yea or a nay.”

— Jon Stewart

261. “In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in.”

— Jon Stewart

262. “Democrats – always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in.”

— Jon Stewart

263. “They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.”

— Jon Stewart

264. “President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.”

— Jon Stewart

265. “The Department of Homeland Security recommends a three-day supply of water consisting of one bottle per day for each person in your home. Plus one extra bottle to give you all something to kill each other over on day four.”

— Jon Stewart

266. “As long as I don’t end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I’m happy.”

— Jon Stewart

267. “Nothing brings closure to a campaign like opening it up again.”

— Jon Stewart

268. “I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.”

— Jon Stewart

269. “Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.”

— Jon Stewart

270. “Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.”

— Jon Stewart

271. “At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?”

— Jon Stewart

272. “And this, this, is their genius. Conservatives are not looking to make education more rigorous and informative, or science more empirical or verifiable, or voting more representative, or the government more efficient or effective. They just want all those things to reinforce their partisan, ideological, conservative viewpoint.”

— Jon Stewart

273. “Congress, the legislative stone in America’s urethra.”

— Jon Stewart

274. “It’s funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man’s greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon’s desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.”

— Jon Stewart

275. “This is what happens when you don’t let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite.”

— Jon Stewart

276. “If you don’t get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.”

— Jon Stewart

277. “You cannot judge a book by its contents.”

— Jon Stewart

278. “So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No.”

— Jon Stewart

279. “If you break someone’s leg, shouldn’t you have to be the crutch for a while?”

— Jon Stewart

280. “I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.”

— Jon Stewart

281. “I have a lot of hostility.”

— Jon Stewart

282. “Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of ’so we dropped bombs on everyone.”

— Jon Stewart

283. “Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.”

— Jon Stewart

284. “Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented.”

— Jon Stewart

285. “I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.”

— Jon Stewart

286. “It’s not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan.”

— Jon Stewart

287. “What I like to do is come in, write the entire program and treat my staff to hot stone massages.”

— Jon Stewart

288. “Nathan Lane’s Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.”

— Jon Stewart

289. “More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn’t even know they had.”

— Jon Stewart

290. “If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that’s all I would ask for.”

— Jon Stewart

291. “If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it’s that the terrorists can attack us, but they can’t take away what makes us American – our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.”

— Jon Stewart

292. “You know, I’ve always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.”

— Jon Stewart

293. “Al-Qaeda’s resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration’s math and logic.”

— Jon Stewart

294. “As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal – in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.”

— Jon Stewart

295. “Never name it after yourself. Maybe we’ll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.”

— Jon Stewart

296. “Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.”

— Jon Stewart

297. “It is perhaps a sign of the strength of our republic that so few people feel the need to participate. That must be the reason.”

— Jon Stewart

298. “Sarah Palin has been tagged and released back into the wild.”

— Jon Stewart

299. “At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It’s not going to be like, ‘I really want to do The Daily Show and I’d love to turn it into an abstract musical.’ I like the format and the chance to satirize the news.”

— Jon Stewart