Top 280 Jon Stewart Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I don’t care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.”

— Jon Stewart

102. “The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they’re going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.”

— Jon Stewart

103. “The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie’s Angles because it’s “offensive to the religion of Islam.” Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.”

— Jon Stewart

104. “Divorce isn’t caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.”

— Jon Stewart

105. “Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.”

— Jon Stewart

106. “Here’s the point – you’re looking at affirmative action, and you’re looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who’s gonna wanna work?”

— Jon Stewart

107. “The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now.”

— Jon Stewart

108. “I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.”

— Jon Stewart

109. “Megachurches. I can’t be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.”

— Jon Stewart

110. “The government that governs best, governs best!”

— Jon Stewart

111. “A guy who says what people who aren’t thinking are thinking.”

— Jon Stewart

112. “I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.”

— Jon Stewart

113. “Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.”

— Jon Stewart

114. “In whose delusional mind is democracy made ‘better’ by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?”

— Jon Stewart

115. “Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.”

— Jon Stewart

116. “Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.”

— Jon Stewart

117. “A joke is a joke. There’s an expression – I don’t know if you have it – that’s ‘adding insult to injury.’”

— Jon Stewart

118. “If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn’t it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?”

— Jon Stewart

119. “Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.”

— Jon Stewart

120. “New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.”

— Jon Stewart

121. “Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don’t have any of it right now.”

— Jon Stewart

122. “I want a sandwich named after me.”

— Jon Stewart

123. “The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.”

— Jon Stewart

124. “What’s with the poverty Tourette’s? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president?”

— Jon Stewart

125. “It’s always funny until the hooker mentions her son.”

— Jon Stewart

126. “I have not moved out of the comedian’s box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.”

— Jon Stewart

127. “I’m thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time’s a charm.”

— Jon Stewart

128. “If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?”

— Jon Stewart

129. “You know, in Saudi Arabia, you’re innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They’re guilty!”

— Jon Stewart

130. “Happy Valentine’s Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you’re probably alone. Valentine’s Day is often times a, well, it’s a manufactured day that really doesn’t mean anything.”

— Jon Stewart

131. “To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.”

— Jon Stewart

132. “Poor Al Gore. Global warming completely debunked via the very internet you invented.”

— Jon Stewart

133. “We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem – it’s in North Korea.”

— Jon Stewart

134. “The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.”

— Jon Stewart

135. “Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.”

— Jon Stewart

136. “Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons.”

— Jon Stewart

137. “Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it’s cool, because it’s not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.”

— Jon Stewart

138. “We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.”

— Jon Stewart

139. “There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on ‘Friends’ is.”

— Jon Stewart

140. “I thought we were out of money!? You can’t simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.”

— Jon Stewart

141. “The enemy is noise. The goal is clarity.”

— Jon Stewart

142. “McVeigh’s lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.”

— Jon Stewart

143. “If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children.”

— Jon Stewart

144. “Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?”

— Jon Stewart

145. “They create these rules and argue about things we don’t even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you’re sort of amused, but most of the time you’re thinking, pick up the ball! That’s what you’re thinking.”

— Jon Stewart

146. “Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It’s using the energy...”

— Jon Stewart

147. “Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he’s lying. How is that possible?”

— Jon Stewart

148. “Here’s the thing about global warming that I didn’t realize: it would all happen at once.”

— Jon Stewart

149. “In case you’re wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you’re all wearing at home.”

— Jon Stewart

150. “We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it’s been helpful.”

— Jon Stewart