Top 280 Jon Stewart Quotes (2026 Update)
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101. “No one is better at not beating America than England.”

— Jon Stewart

102. “Although to be fair, cherry picking isn’t quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I’ll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!”

— Jon Stewart

103. “I mean, I’m not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I’m hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.”

— Jon Stewart

104. “Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we’re in a battle between tyranny and freedom – it’s a series of pendulum swings.”

— Jon Stewart

105. “Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.”

— Jon Stewart

106. “New York City isn’t Chuck E. Cheese. We don’t have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack.”

— Jon Stewart

107. “I’m too short to host a late-night talk show. It’s like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.”

— Jon Stewart

108. “I’m doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It’s a little thing called “fear of success”.”

— Jon Stewart

109. “People! Take to the streets and scream ‘BE REASONABLE!’”

— Jon Stewart

110. “No, I live in New Jersey because I like living in New Jersey.”

— Jon Stewart

111. “If you’re going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you’ve also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you’re going to have rioting in the streets.”

— Jon Stewart

112. “Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Country Quotes

113. “I don’t think marijuana should be illegal.”

— Jon Stewart

114. “The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they’re going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.”

— Jon Stewart

115. “You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.”

— Jon Stewart

116. “Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?”

— Jon Stewart

117. “I don’t care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.”

— Jon Stewart

118. “A joke is a joke. There’s an expression – I don’t know if you have it – that’s ‘adding insult to injury.’”

— Jon Stewart

119. “I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.”

— Jon Stewart

120. “Divorce isn’t caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.”

— Jon Stewart

121. “The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie’s Angles because it’s “offensive to the religion of Islam.” Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.”

— Jon Stewart

122. “Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.”

— Jon Stewart

123. “The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now.”

— Jon Stewart

124. “Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.”

— Jon Stewart

125. “It’s always funny until the hooker mentions her son.”

— Jon Stewart

126. “If your world does not include enough access to different people, and their world does not include enough access to you, you are speaking from ignorance.”

— Jon Stewart

127. “A guy who says what people who aren’t thinking are thinking.”

— Jon Stewart

128. “Here’s the point – you’re looking at affirmative action, and you’re looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who’s gonna wanna work?”

— Jon Stewart

129. “The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.”

— Jon Stewart

130. “The government that governs best, governs best!”

— Jon Stewart

131. “Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It’s using the energy...”

— Jon Stewart

132. “I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Country Quotes

133. “Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.”

— Jon Stewart

134. “There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on ‘Friends’ is.”

— Jon Stewart

135. “I want a sandwich named after me.”

— Jon Stewart

136. “Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don’t have any of it right now.”

— Jon Stewart

137. “Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.”

— Jon Stewart

138. “We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.”

— Jon Stewart

139. “New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.”

— Jon Stewart

140. “To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.”

— Jon Stewart

141. “Poor Al Gore. Global warming completely debunked via the very internet you invented.”

— Jon Stewart

142. “I have not moved out of the comedian’s box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.”

— Jon Stewart

143. “If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn’t it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?”

— Jon Stewart

144. “The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.”

— Jon Stewart

145. “Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it’s cool, because it’s not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.”

— Jon Stewart

146. “If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children.”

— Jon Stewart

147. “Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?”

— Jon Stewart

148. “I’m thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time’s a charm.”

— Jon Stewart

149. “You know, in Saudi Arabia, you’re innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They’re guilty!”

— Jon Stewart

150. “We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it’s been helpful.”

— Jon Stewart