Top 280 Jon Stewart Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values: they’re hobbies.”

— Jon Stewart

2. “I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Growth Quotes

3. “How do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? The honest answer is this: You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Anxiety Quotes

4. “Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.”

— Jon Stewart

5. “I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.”

— Jon Stewart

6. “The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.”

— Jon Stewart

7. “When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?”

— Jon Stewart

8. “Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.”

— Jon Stewart

9. “The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker.”

— Jon Stewart

10. “The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.”

— Jon Stewart

11. “There’s always anxiety when you start a new job, you’re the one guy who doesn’t know where the ketchup is.”

— Jon Stewart

12. “If you smell something, say something.”

— Jon Stewart

13. “I don’t approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.”

— Jon Stewart

14. “Don’t censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.”

— Jon Stewart

15. “Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.”

— Jon Stewart

16. “Everyone just needs to get over themselves.”

— Jon Stewart

17. “You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, “Hey, there’s something wrong with this mirror.””

— Jon Stewart

18. “Honestly, folks, I think my brain is broken.”

— Jon Stewart

19. “Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.”

— Jon Stewart

20. “I feel your scorn, and I accept it.”

— Jon Stewart

21. “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

— Jon Stewart

22. “Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.”

— Jon Stewart

23. “I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.”

— Jon Stewart

24. “You’ve confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.”

— Jon Stewart

25. “Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I’m fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string.”

— Jon Stewart

26. “I never thought I’d say this, but I miss voter fraud.”

— Jon Stewart

27. “I’m not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.”

— Jon Stewart

28. “I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.”

— Jon Stewart

29. “If I’d only followed CNBC’s advice, I’d have a million dollars today. Provided I’d started with a hundred million dollars.”

— Jon Stewart

30. “I don’t have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.”

— Jon Stewart

31. “On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.”

— Jon Stewart

32. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”

— Jon Stewart

33. “Ah, the first rule of public speaking – always start with a joke.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

34. “If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don’t have a regime.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Strong Quotes

35. “Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.”

— Jon Stewart

36. “Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn’t get carved out by poor people.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

37. “Technology. It’s like science, only useless.”

— Jon Stewart

38. “When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.”

— Jon Stewart

39. “I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.”

— Jon Stewart

40. “I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that’s tragic. Because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity.”

— Jon Stewart

41. “Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.”

— Jon Stewart

42. “If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.”

— Jon Stewart

43. “Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don’t go hungry, you’re a moocher?”

— Jon Stewart

44. “The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.”

— Jon Stewart

45. “By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.”

— Jon Stewart

46. “The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.”

— Jon Stewart

47. “Gay people can’t be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What’s the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. Private, shoot that man! I can’t, he’s adorable.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Country Quotes

48. “The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious.”

— Jon Stewart

49. “61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.”

— Jon Stewart

50. “I can’t believe I’m comforting a billionaire.”

— Jon Stewart