Top 280 Jon Stewart Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I’ll run that.”

— Jon Stewart

202. “I feel much more strongly about the abdication of responsibility by the media than by political advocates. They’re representing a constituency.”

— Jon Stewart

203. “And then you’ve got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He’s basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don’t think Bush is Jewish enough.”

— Jon Stewart

204. “It’s a wonder our country doesn’t implode.”

— Jon Stewart

205. “Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped.”

— Jon Stewart

206. “Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool?”

— Jon Stewart

207. “President Bush’s approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he’s being doing.”

— Jon Stewart

208. “Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.”

— Jon Stewart

209. “The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you’re overwhelmed by something or if you’re not.”

— Jon Stewart

210. “That’s the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We’re sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.”

— Jon Stewart

211. “I only quote Rabbinical text... there is no dark secret... there is no hidden agenda... I’m merely an arbiter of biblical law.”

— Jon Stewart

212. “If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.”

— Jon Stewart

213. “The problem with the Tea Party is they’re all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.”

— Jon Stewart

214. “We’re going to do a challenge. I’m going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare – and we’ll see which happens first.”

— Jon Stewart

215. “There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy’s heart stops, and you’re the one who has to fix it!”

— Jon Stewart

216. “In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President’s efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.”

— Jon Stewart

217. “A Trump was a demon who sometimes appeared to us in quasi-human form in order to fire us from jobs we never wanted in the first place.”

— Jon Stewart

218. “When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you’ve overstepped your bounds, you’ve overstepped your bounds.”

— Jon Stewart

219. “We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people.”

— Jon Stewart

220. “I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.”

— Jon Stewart

221. “What good are images if people understand them?”

— Jon Stewart

222. “We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up – rehab and then a stint on VH1.”

— Jon Stewart

223. “Thus, I’ve created humour.”

— Jon Stewart

224. “Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.”

— Jon Stewart

225. “Are you worried that, when you go to hell, you’ll only be taking the local and not be on the express? Why would you look for a loophole to deny coverage to children with preexisting conditions?”

— Jon Stewart

226. “So if you’re negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.”

— Jon Stewart

227. “I kid because I’m on basic cable.”

— Jon Stewart

228. “Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you’ve gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.”

— Jon Stewart

229. “Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary.”

— Jon Stewart

230. “Isn’t that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don’t wanna have to go home and change into shorts...”

— Jon Stewart

231. “I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it’s pretty much the same as it’s always been. It’s just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.”

— Jon Stewart

232. “Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America.”

— Jon Stewart

233. “Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government.”

— Jon Stewart

234. “Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they’re delicious!”

— Jon Stewart

235. “Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.”

— Jon Stewart

236. “President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent.”

— Jon Stewart

237. “If Obama’s a tyrant, he’s a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can’t get cloture?”

— Jon Stewart

238. “We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.”

— Jon Stewart

239. “When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, “I won’t have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty.””

— Jon Stewart

240. “Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.”

— Jon Stewart

241. “I like a lot of wheels. If I could have eight wheels, I would.”

— Jon Stewart

242. “Bush’s popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president!”

— Jon Stewart

243. “Here’s the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he’ll be OK.”

— Jon Stewart

244. “Apparently the only thing worse than a terrorist attack, is a gay man stopping it!”

— Jon Stewart

245. “That’s what it’s like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that’s a good year for you. So that’s not a pleasant feeling.”

— Jon Stewart

246. “I think the main thing that has to end is men’s defensiveness.”

— Jon Stewart

247. “You’re your own play.”

— Jon Stewart

248. “I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it’s not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.”

— Jon Stewart

249. “You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.”

— Jon Stewart

250. “The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.”

— Jon Stewart