Top 280 Jon Stewart Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe bears so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see.”

— Jon Stewart

202. “Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what’s wrong with what we’ve done in Iraq. We’ve been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.”

— Jon Stewart

203. “The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church’s Fried Chicken is a church.”

— Jon Stewart

204. “Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.”

— Jon Stewart

205. “I can’t sing. Never been able to sing. I can’t do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can’t dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.”

— Jon Stewart

206. “We’ve come from the same history – 2000 years of persecution – we’ve just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music.”

— Jon Stewart

207. “Models talk to you for six minutes and they’re very nice and they say thank you and then it’s off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.”

— Jon Stewart

208. “Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped.”

— Jon Stewart

209. “There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy’s heart stops, and you’re the one who has to fix it!”

— Jon Stewart

210. “And then you’ve got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He’s basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don’t think Bush is Jewish enough.”

— Jon Stewart

211. “Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I’ll run that.”

— Jon Stewart

212. “If you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold the debate at your house. Whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach: they have a big tent – you’re just not allowed in it.”

— Jon Stewart

213. “I can be in 20 movies. But I’ll never be an actor.”

— Jon Stewart

214. “I feel much more strongly about the abdication of responsibility by the media than by political advocates. They’re representing a constituency.”

— Jon Stewart

215. “It’s a wonder our country doesn’t implode.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Country Quotes

216. “Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool?”

— Jon Stewart

217. “I only quote Rabbinical text... there is no dark secret... there is no hidden agenda... I’m merely an arbiter of biblical law.”

— Jon Stewart

218. “In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President’s efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.”

— Jon Stewart

219. “The problem with the Tea Party is they’re all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.”

— Jon Stewart

220. “Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.”

— Jon Stewart

221. “A Trump was a demon who sometimes appeared to us in quasi-human form in order to fire us from jobs we never wanted in the first place.”

— Jon Stewart

222. “The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you’re overwhelmed by something or if you’re not.”

— Jon Stewart

Featured in: Real Quotes

223. “We’re going to do a challenge. I’m going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare – and we’ll see which happens first.”

— Jon Stewart

224. “I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it’s pretty much the same as it’s always been. It’s just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.”

— Jon Stewart

225. “When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you’ve overstepped your bounds, you’ve overstepped your bounds.”

— Jon Stewart

226. “We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people.”

— Jon Stewart

227. “President Bush’s approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he’s being doing.”

— Jon Stewart

228. “If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.”

— Jon Stewart

229. “What good are images if people understand them?”

— Jon Stewart

230. “That’s the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We’re sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.”

— Jon Stewart

231. “Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government.”

— Jon Stewart

232. “Are you worried that, when you go to hell, you’ll only be taking the local and not be on the express? Why would you look for a loophole to deny coverage to children with preexisting conditions?”

— Jon Stewart

233. “Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you’ve gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.”

— Jon Stewart

234. “Thus, I’ve created humour.”

— Jon Stewart

235. “Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.”

— Jon Stewart

236. “Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America.”

— Jon Stewart

237. “If Obama’s a tyrant, he’s a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can’t get cloture?”

— Jon Stewart

238. “We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up – rehab and then a stint on VH1.”

— Jon Stewart

239. “Isn’t that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don’t wanna have to go home and change into shorts...”

— Jon Stewart

240. “I kid because I’m on basic cable.”

— Jon Stewart

241. “That’s what it’s like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that’s a good year for you. So that’s not a pleasant feeling.”

— Jon Stewart

242. “Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary.”

— Jon Stewart

243. “President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent.”

— Jon Stewart

244. “Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they’re delicious!”

— Jon Stewart

245. “Apparently the only thing worse than a terrorist attack, is a gay man stopping it!”

— Jon Stewart

246. “I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it’s not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.”

— Jon Stewart

247. “I think the main thing that has to end is men’s defensiveness.”

— Jon Stewart

248. “I like a lot of wheels. If I could have eight wheels, I would.”

— Jon Stewart

249. “Here’s the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he’ll be OK.”

— Jon Stewart

250. “The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.”

— Jon Stewart