Top 500 Mark Twain Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.”

— Mark Twain

202. “Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.”

— Mark Twain

203. “Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.”

— Mark Twain

204. “I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.”

— Mark Twain

205. “When everyone is looking for gold, it’s a good time to be in the pick and shovel business.”

— Mark Twain

206. “Quitting smoking is easy, I’ve done it hundreds of times.”

— Mark Twain

207. “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.”

— Mark Twain

208. “There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dream, a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought -a vagrant thought, a useless thought, a homeless thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities!”

— Mark Twain

209. “The secret to success: find out where people are going and get there first.”

— Mark Twain

210. “Tough times teach trust.”

— Mark Twain

211. “Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. To live a fulfilled life, we need to keep creating the “what is next”, of our lives. Without dreams and goals there is no living, only merely existing, and that is not why we are here.”

— Mark Twain

212. “Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.”

— Mark Twain

213. “Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.”

— Mark Twain

214. “Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.”

— Mark Twain

215. “In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.”

— Mark Twain

216. “There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.”

— Mark Twain

217. “The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.”

— Mark Twain

218. “Don’t use a five-dollar word when a fifty-cent word will do.”

— Mark Twain

219. “While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.”

— Mark Twain

220. “I’m glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again.”

— Mark Twain

221. “The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.”

— Mark Twain

222. “Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”

— Mark Twain

223. “Sacred cows make the best hamburger.”

— Mark Twain

224. “Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.”

— Mark Twain

225. “When in doubt tell the truth. It will confound your enemies and astound your friends.”

— Mark Twain

226. “It’s spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you’ve got it, you want – oh, you don’t quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!”

— Mark Twain

227. “To be busy is man’s only happiness.”

— Mark Twain

228. “Life is short. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly and love truly.”

— Mark Twain

229. “If everyone was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.”

— Mark Twain

230. “Necessity is the mother of taking chances.”

— Mark Twain

231. “The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow.”

— Mark Twain

232. “She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.”

— Mark Twain

233. “I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English – it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don’t let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in.”

— Mark Twain

234. “Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.”

— Mark Twain

235. “My father was an amazing man. The older I got, the smarter he got.”

— Mark Twain

236. “Too bad that youth is wasted on the young.”

— Mark Twain

237. “Make your vocation your vacation. That is the secret to success.”

— Mark Twain

238. “Forgiveness is the smell that lavender gives out when you tread on it.”

— Mark Twain

239. “The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which.”

— Mark Twain

240. “The only certainties in life are death and taxes.”

— Mark Twain

241. “I was born with Halley’s Comet and I expect to die upon its return.”

— Mark Twain

242. “Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. Fanatics will never learn that, though it be written in letters of gold across the sky. It is the prohibition that makes anything precious.”

— Mark Twain

243. “A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.”

— Mark Twain

244. “Whatever you say, say it with conviction.”

— Mark Twain

245. “Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”

— Mark Twain

246. “It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.”

— Mark Twain

247. “It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.”

— Mark Twain

248. “Seasickness: at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won’t die.”

— Mark Twain

249. “When congress is in session no American is safe.”

— Mark Twain

250. “You can’t break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You’ve got to walk it slowly down the stairs.”

— Mark Twain