Top 500 Mark Twain Quotes (2024 Update)
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401. “If there is a God, he is a malign thug.”

— Mark Twain

402. “I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.”

— Mark Twain

403. “There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.”

— Mark Twain

404. “By law of periodical repetition, everything which has happened once must happen again and again – and not capriciously, but at regular periods, and each thing in its own period, not another’s and each obeying its own law.”

— Mark Twain

405. “Architects cannot teach nature anything.”

— Mark Twain

406. “I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty.”

— Mark Twain

407. “The law of work seems unfair, but nothing can change it; the more enjoyment you get out of your work, the more money you will make.”

— Mark Twain

408. “Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.”

— Mark Twain

409. “A pilot must have a memory developed to absolute perfection. But there are two higher qualities which he also must have. He must have good and quick judgment and decision, and a cool, calm courage that no peril can shake.”

— Mark Twain

410. “One compliment can keep me going for a whole month.”

— Mark Twain

411. “If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.”

— Mark Twain

412. “A home without a cat – and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat – may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?”

— Mark Twain

413. “To believe yourself brave is to be brave; it is the one only essential thing.”

— Mark Twain

414. “Human nature is the same everywhere; it deifies success, it has nothing but scorn for defeat.”

— Mark Twain

415. “No God and no religion can survive ridicule. No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in a fair field, and live.”

— Mark Twain

416. “On with dance, let joy be unconfined, is my motto; whether there’s any dance to dance or any joy to unconfined.”

— Mark Twain

417. “Never tell a lie-except for practice.”

— Mark Twain

418. “The true charm of pedestrians does not lie in the walking, or in the scenery, but in the talking.”

— Mark Twain

419. “In Boston they ask, how much does he know? In New York, how much is he worth? In Philadelphia, who were his parents?”

— Mark Twain

420. “There’s one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he’s crooked.”

— Mark Twain

421. “The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.”

— Mark Twain

422. “Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.”

— Mark Twain

423. “We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents.”

— Mark Twain

424. “It shames the average man to be valued below his own estimate of his worth.”

— Mark Twain

425. “Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.”

— Mark Twain

426. “Until I came to New Mexico, I never realized how much beauty water adds to a river.”

— Mark Twain

427. “There is no other life; life itself is only a vision and a dream for nothing exists but space and you. If there was an all-powerful God, he would have made all good, and no bad.”

— Mark Twain

428. “Humor is the good natured side of a truth.”

— Mark Twain

429. “Our lives, our liberty, and our property are never in greater danger than when Congress is in session.”

— Mark Twain

430. “The English are mentioned in the Bible; Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”

— Mark Twain

431. “The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.”

— Mark Twain

432. “Oh Death where is thy sting! It has none. But life has.”

— Mark Twain

433. “There ain’t no way to find out why a snorer can’t hear himself snore.”

— Mark Twain

434. “A newspaper is not just for reporting the news as it is, but to make people mad enough to do something about it.”

— Mark Twain

435. “Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.”

— Mark Twain

436. “Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.”

— Mark Twain

437. “I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.”

— Mark Twain

438. “A few fly bites cannot stop a spirited horse.”

— Mark Twain

439. “I couldn’t bear to think about it; and yet, somehow, I couldn’t think about nothing else.”

— Mark Twain

440. “If the Christians of America could be persuaded to vote God and a clean ticket, it would bring about a moral revolution that would be incalculably beneficent. It would save the country.”

— Mark Twain

441. “I have no race prejudices, and I think I have no color prejudices or caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. Indeed I know it. I can stand any society. All that I care to know is that a man is a human being-that is enough for me; he can’t be any worse.”

— Mark Twain

442. “Man is the only animal that is cruel. It kills just for the sake of it.”

— Mark Twain

443. “All emotion is involuntary when genuine.”

— Mark Twain

444. “My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart-a heart so large that everybody’s joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation.”

— Mark Twain

445. “Always obey your parents. When they are present. This is the best policy in the long run. Because if you don’t, they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment.”

— Mark Twain

446. “Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep ’til noon.”

— Mark Twain

447. “In the small town of Hannibal, Missouri, when I was a boy, everybody was poor, but didn’t know it; and everybody was comfortable and did know it.”

— Mark Twain

448. “Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson.”

— Mark Twain

449. “It was a place of sin, loose women, whiskey and gambling. It was no place for a good Presbyterian, and I did not long remain one.”

— Mark Twain

450. “When one has tasted watermelons, one knows what angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented.”

— Mark Twain