Top 100 Milton Berle Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.”

— Milton Berle

52. “It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”

— Milton Berle

53. “I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!”

— Milton Berle

54. “My son has a big Christmas problem – what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?”

— Milton Berle

55. “He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.”

— Milton Berle

56. “I don’t date women my age. There aren’t any.”

— Milton Berle

57. “Jews don’t drink much because it interferes with their suffering.”

— Milton Berle

58. “For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.”

— Milton Berle

59. “You can’t believe everything you hear, but it’s fun to repeat it anyway.”

— Milton Berle

60. “I don’t mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you’re insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.”

— Milton Berle

61. “One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?”

— Milton Berle

62. “I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.”

— Milton Berle

63. “I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they’re lost.”

— Milton Berle

64. “Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?”

— Milton Berle

65. “I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.”

— Milton Berle

66. “This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!””

— Milton Berle

67. “I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!”

— Milton Berle

68. “Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.”

— Milton Berle

69. “You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.”

— Milton Berle

70. “For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.”

— Milton Berle

71. “Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.”

— Milton Berle

72. “One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.”

— Milton Berle

73. “I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law – a battery-operated mouth.”

— Milton Berle

74. “I can’t tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.”

— Milton Berle

75. “At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there’s never one around.”

— Milton Berle

76. “Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.”

— Milton Berle

77. “War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.”

— Milton Berle

78. “They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.”

— Milton Berle

79. “Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man’s side?”

— Milton Berle

80. “Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.”

— Milton Berle

81. “In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.”

— Milton Berle

82. “My wife wants something foreign for Christmas – like a Mexican divorce.”

— Milton Berle

83. “At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.”

— Milton Berle

84. “I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.”

— Milton Berle

85. “I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.”

— Milton Berle

86. “I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.””

— Milton Berle

87. “Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.”

— Milton Berle

88. “Who says we didn’t have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together.”

— Milton Berle

89. “A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.”

— Milton Berle

90. “I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.”

— Milton Berle

91. “I just bought a great gift for my boss – a leaky ant farm.”

— Milton Berle

92. “I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.”

— Milton Berle

93. “The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.”

— Milton Berle

94. “My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?”

— Milton Berle

95. “At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.”

— Milton Berle

96. “An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.”

— Milton Berle

97. “My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.”

— Milton Berle

98. “Our local department store had two Santas – one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.”

— Milton Berle

99. “What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.”

— Milton Berle

100. “I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?”

— Milton Berle