Top 100 Milton Berle Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.”

— Milton Berle

Featured in: Motivational Quotes, Inspirational Entrepreneurship Quotes, Positive Quotes, Optimism Quotes, Mental Health Quotes

2. “Laughter is an instant vacation.”

— Milton Berle

Featured in: Cute Quotes, Happy Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Joy Quotes, Family Quotes

3. “Laughter is the best medicine in the world.”

— Milton Berle

Featured in: Cheer Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Smile Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

4. “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”

— Milton Berle

5. “My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”

— Milton Berle

6. “This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!”

— Milton Berle

7. “I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.”

— Milton Berle

8. “Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it’s the kids who have to do all the work.”

— Milton Berle

9. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

— Milton Berle

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes

10. “Money can’t buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.”

— Milton Berle

11. “I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.”

— Milton Berle

12. “There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.”

— Milton Berle

13. “They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.”

— Milton Berle

14. “The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.”

— Milton Berle

15. “My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.””

— Milton Berle

16. “Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.”

— Milton Berle

17. “The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.”

— Milton Berle

18. “My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.”

— Milton Berle

19. “I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.”

— Milton Berle

20. “A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!”

— Milton Berle

21. “My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.”

— Milton Berle

22. “Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.”

— Milton Berle

23. “Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand – and they feel glorious.”

— Milton Berle

24. “Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.”

— Milton Berle

25. “A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!””

— Milton Berle

26. “The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.”

— Milton Berle

27. “I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year’s it flew away.”

— Milton Berle

Featured in: New Year Quotes

28. “My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.”

— Milton Berle

29. “You’re aging when your actions creak louder than your words.”

— Milton Berle

30. “Talk about cheap – on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.”

— Milton Berle

31. “When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, “I wish he was my kid for one day!””

— Milton Berle

32. “A thing of beauty is a job forever.”

— Milton Berle

33. “In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.”

— Milton Berle

34. “Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.”

— Milton Berle

35. “All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.”

— Milton Berle

36. “I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.”

— Milton Berle

Featured in: New Year Quotes

37. “Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.”

— Milton Berle

38. “My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings – my brother.”

— Milton Berle

39. “It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!”

— Milton Berle

40. “If you hire relatives, you’ll have a payroll that won’t quit.”

— Milton Berle

41. “I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.”

— Milton Berle

42. “My son asked for very little – a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.”

— Milton Berle

43. “We inherit a lot from our parents: mom’s eyes, dad’s chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn’t punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom’s to thank for.“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?””

— Milton Berle

44. “On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.”

— Milton Berle

45. “I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he’s working.”

— Milton Berle

46. “My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, “Don’t worry. The little bit of work I do won’t be noticed !!!””

— Milton Berle

47. “My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne – Eau de Owe.”

— Milton Berle

48. “Folk who don’t know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.”

— Milton Berle

49. “Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.”

— Milton Berle

50. “Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs – is that a promise or a threat?”

— Milton Berle