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Milton Berle Quotes

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Milton Berle Quote: “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.”

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

— Milton Berle



Milton Berle Quote: “Laughter is an instant vacation.”

Laughter is an instant vacation.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Laughter is the best medicine in the world.”

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it’s the kids who have to do all the work.”

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it’s the kids who have to do all the work.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.”

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.”

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.”

They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

— Milton Berle



Milton Berle Quote: “My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.””

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.”

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.”

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.”

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.”

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.”

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.”

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.”

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand – and they feel glorious.”

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand – and they feel glorious.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.”

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

— Milton Berle



Milton Berle Quote: “A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!”

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.”

Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!””

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.”

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.”

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!”

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.”

My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!”

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, “I wish he was my kid for one day!””

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, “I wish he was my kid for one day!”

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.”

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Talk about cheap – on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.”

Talk about cheap – on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “My son asked for very little – a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.”

My son asked for very little – a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “You’re aging when your actions creak louder than your words.”

You’re aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “If you hire relatives, you’ll have a payroll that won’t quit.”

If you hire relatives, you’ll have a payroll that won’t quit.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he’s working.”

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he’s working.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne – Eau de Owe.”

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne – Eau de Owe.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.”

On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “We inherit a lot from our parents: mom’s eyes, dad’s chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn’t punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom’s to thank for.“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?””

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom’s eyes, dad’s chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn’t punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom’s to thank for.“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings – my brother.”

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings – my brother.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, “Don’t worry. The little bit of work I do won’t be noticed !!!””

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, “Don’t worry. The little bit of work I do won’t be noticed !!!”

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Money can’t buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.”

Money can’t buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Folk who don’t know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.”

Folk who don’t know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “A thing of beauty is a job forever.”

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.”

Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.”

All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.”

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!”

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs – is that a promise or a threat?”

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs – is that a promise or a threat?

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.”

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

— Milton Berle


Milton Berle Quote: “My son has a big Christmas problem – what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?”

My son has a big Christmas problem – what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?

— Milton Berle

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