Top 100

Top 250 Erma Bombeck Quotes (2023 Update)
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Erma Bombeck Quote: “People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy’s little boy becomes Mommy’s little boy, the kid is so wet he’s treading water.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, ‘He wants his mother.’”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, “In Case of Fire, Throw This in First.” I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn’t going to fly. It’s too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It’s just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “It’s frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It’s un-American. It’s like Simon without Garfunkel.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can’t pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, “Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “I’ve always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby...”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I’ll show you an orphan.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were ’room service.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “I’ve always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, “Where did I come from, Mommy?” They will range from “Number 176 vial in Buffalo, New York,” to “You were defrosted.””
Erma Bombeck Quote: “I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I’ve cooked bigger turkeys than her “before” picture.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I’m taking with me when I go.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “I don’t think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “I’ve never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying “Open!” was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “One son appears in stereo – a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other...”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “If compliments were food, I’d have starved to death 28 years ago.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can’t see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I’ve ever seen that I didn’t have to clean.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “There are basic differences between food and clothing. You eat food and wear clothing. Food goes in; clothing goes on. 2. Do not bite anything that will bite back. This includes the dog, other babies, electrical cords and your father when he is watching professional football on television. 3. Washing your face after a meal is not considered cruel and unusual punishment. It won’t do any good to report Mommy and Daddy to the police. 4.”
Erma Bombeck Quote: “Family life got better and we got our car back – as soon as we put ‘I love Mom’ on the license plate.”
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