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Top 200 Garrison Keillor Quotes (2022 Update)
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Garrison Keillor Quote: “Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “It’s better to be burnished with use than rusty with principle.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Being rich and thin isn’t everything.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Don’t tear up the page and start over again when you write a bad line-try to write your way out of it. Make mistakes and plunge on. Writing is a means of discovery, always.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “That’s why God created marriage, so people wouldn’t have to fight with strangers.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I loved feeling special. I hated feeling special.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “The reason to retire is to try to avoid embarrassment; you ought to do it before people are dropping big hints. You want to be the first to come up with the idea. You don’t want to wait until you trip and fall off the stage.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “No innocent man buys a gun, and no happy man writes his memoirs.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I like to sing and it’s just really fun to sing, and I don’t get too much. And at my house I’m not allowed to because, you know, your children can’t stand it when you sing at home.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “The relationship between truth and a newspaper is like the relationship between the color green and the number seven. Occasionally you will see the number seven written in green, but you learn not to expect this.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “All solutions are temporary, so why not go for duct tape?”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Give guilt – the gift that lasts forever.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I remember when I switched from Christmas to sex as the secret of happiness...”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Lake Wobegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Some people think it is difficult to be a Christian and to laugh, but I think it’s the other way around. God writes a lot of comedy, its just that he has so many bad actors.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “The majority of people who keel over dead at concerts are killed by a long trumpet passage.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I was brought up imagining that cream rises to the top, merit wins out, the race is to the swift and riches to men of understanding, but it ain’t necessarily so. The swift stand a better chance if they are also beautiful.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Selective ignorance, a cornerstone of child rearing. You don’t put kids under surveillance: it might frighten you. Parents should sit tall in the saddle and look upon their troops with a noble and benevolent and extremely nearsighted gaze.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world – like grace – and shines on everybody.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I think if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world for all of us.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn’t hear the barbarians coming.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “When you’re a little kid, your heart is open and tender and a harsh word can go straight in and become part of your life.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take hold of it.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “In Lake Wobegon, we don’t forget mistakes.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Face it: a nation that maintains a 72% approval rating on George W. Bush is a nation with a very loose grip on reality.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “My ability to keep cool in a crisis is based entirely on not knowing all the facts.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “When it comes to finding available men in Minnesota, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “The funniest line in English is ‘Get it?’ When you say that, everyone chortles.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I love rhymes; I love to write a poem about New York and rhyme ‘oysters’ with ‘The Cloisters.’ And ‘The lady from Knoxville who bought her brassieres by the boxful.’ I just feel a sort of small triumph.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Second violins can play a concerto perfectly if they’re in their own home and nobody’s there.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “My ancestors were Puritans from England. They arrived here in 1648 in the hope of finding greater restrictions than were permissible under English law at that time.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It’s not the point of the thing, is it?”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I was an English major at the University of Minnesota, and I was very shy, which many people misinterpreted as intelligence. On the basis of that wrong impression, I became the editor of the campus literary magazine.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “You’re such a big liar you gotta get your neighbor to call your dog.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table – There’s nothing wrong with them, but it’s hard to stop thinking about it.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Being Lutheran, Mother believed that self-pity is a deadly sin and so is nostalgia, and she had no time for either.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Easter is so disappointing. You suffer all the way through lent, and what do you get for it? A ham.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Marriage, friends, is a lifelong feast; love is no light lunch.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Sometimes you have to avoid mentioning things because people’s feelings are tender.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “If you can’t trust a Methodist with absolute power to arrest people and not have to say why, then whom can you trust?”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “In the end, all solutions are temporary.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Never insult a writer. You may find yourself immortalized in ways you may not appreciate.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “We all know you can get AIDS from sex, but did you know that you can get sex from aides?”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “When you’re old you feast on your memories, and if you spend too much time on exercise, you may get old and not have many.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Don’t pour the oil directly into my navel, pour it on my sternum and let it run down into my navel, you ignorant peasant.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “When writing loses touch with the beautiful surface of the world, it loses its way. You always want to be in touch with how things look and what people say and what they call their dogs.”
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