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Top 200 Garrison Keillor Quotes (2022 Update)
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Garrison Keillor Quote: “Ralph Stanley is like an uncle to us and now that all my uncles are gone, Ralph’s singing is even more precious. This album of classic folk songs is one of his best.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Possessing the ideal makes a person nervous: you sense the inevitable decline just ahead.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I hear a little firecracker go off when you come up with a good rhyme.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Eating a little was like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Some people have a love of their fellow man in their hearts, and others require a light anesthetic.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Woman: Did you know that women are smarter than men? Man: No, I didn’t. Woman: See what I mean?”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I grew up in a fundamentalist protestant family that stressed that we were a select people and so we were to avoid contact with others who did not share our faith.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Children can find other children to be pals. Children need fathers to be fathers.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “We’d all be alot happier if we’d stop assuming we’re supposed to be happy.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “When NASA started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens don’t work in zero gravity. So they spent twelve million dollars and more than a decade developing a pen that writes under any condition, on almost every surface. The Russians used a pencil.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Enough. Man is capable of reform once presented with the facts, and the fact is that bottling water and shipping it is a big waste of fuel, so stop already.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, and now it is a problem to be overcome.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Just because we’re fictional characters doesn’t mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want. – the people of Lake Woebegon.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Those people on daytime TV talking about how their parents never gave them the positive feedback they needed and that’s why they shot them- those are not Minnesotans.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it’s time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I feel like a blind man searching a dark room for a pair of black socks that aren’t there.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “It’s important for survival that children have their own experiences, the kind they learn from. The kind their parents arrange for are not as useful. Good parents are the hardest to get rid of.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I think that you are only obliged to be a humorist from the age of 18 until you turn 30. Past the age of 30 I don’t think there is any obligation to be clever at all.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “No matter what time of year I come here, people always say the same thing: Its not usually like this.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “In romance, as in life, you only learn when you’re losing.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “In Lake Wobegon, we don’t forget mistakes.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “America of the future will be all malls connected by interstates. All because your parents no longer can their own tomatoes.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Some of us have a relentless urge to attempt what we can never be good at and neglect our true calling.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “There was a price to be paid for being interested in fiction and in writing, pushing my family away. Books and authors became my family.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “That’s what high school does for you: gives you some art and music and history so that even if you spend your life raising kids and writing computer programs, still there was a time when you argued about the First Amendment and talked about the Civil War and read Romeo and Juliet.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “For me, the monologue was the favorite thing I had done in radio. It was based on writing, but in the end it was radio, it was standing up and leaning forward into the dark and talking, letting words come out of you.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Humor is not about problems with airline luggage handlers. It’s about our lives in America and it’s about the ends of our lives and it’s about everything that happens after that and everything that happened before.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Roy Blount’s stuff makes me laugh so hard, sometimes I have to go sit in a room and shut the door.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I usually don’t work with other people; I do the whole show myself.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “People do what they are told not to do. It happens time and time again. Here on the frozen tundra, it is known as the Tongue on the Frozen Pump Handle principle.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “A good friend is a person who thinks you’re one of the good eggs, even if he knows you’re a little cracked.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “You don’t want to get that sort of sound in your writing that boing that gives you away.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I’m of an age when if I started to do eulogies, I’d be doing nothing else. You don’t want to be remembered? I don’t want them to be told to remember me.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Hurry up! Do it – get it done. You got work to do. Don’t put this off and don’t take the long view. Life is today and tomorrow, and if you are lucky, may be next week.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I don’t want them to be told to remember me.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “My own life would make a pretty dull story, I think, and I envy him as I drive to work on a cold Minnesota morning across the Mississippi River with its coal barges still struggling upstream like so many of us nowadays.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I don’t associate work with feelings of satisfaction. Rather, guilt, frustration, and resentment of people who write better than I do.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Did you know that half of all people are below average?”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Too many of my fellow Christians voted for selfishness and for degradation of the beautiful world God created. I guess they figured that by the time the planet was a smoky wasteland, they’d be nice and comfy in heaven, so wotthehell.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “What’s another word for “thesaurus”?”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Ha! Easy for nuns to talk about giving up things. That’s what they do for a living.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “There’s so many people who move around our country and lose track of their own ancestry. It’s nice to know where you come from.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Do you think it’s right for Christians to use the names of pagan gods for the days of the week?”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “If you can’t trust your can open, then what?”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life...”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Travel is the art form available to Everyman. You sit in the coffee shop in a strange city and nobody knows who you are, or cares, and so you shed your checkered past and your motley credentials and you face the day unarmed... And onward we go and some day in the distant future, we will stop and turn around in astonishment to see all the places we’ve been and the heroes we were.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I just sort of slid into it, like you’d go for a walk in the woods and fall into a crevasse and wind up in a cave full of rubies and emeralds.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “They did not weave their lives around yours. They had their own lives, which were mysterious to you.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I felt bad for that world that we have given a generation of kids.”
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