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Top 200 Garrison Keillor Quotes (2023 Update)
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Garrison Keillor Quote: “A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “We all know you can get AIDS from sex, but did you know that you can get sex from aides?”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “TV news is as bloody as Shakespeare but without the intelligence and the poetry. If you watch television news you know less about the world than if you drank gin out of a bottle.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Humor needs to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “The problem with paradise is that it’s temporary: You don’t belong here and the neighbors are nobody you care to know, so it’s only blissful for a week or so.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Don’t pour the oil directly into my navel, pour it on my sternum and let it run down into my navel, you ignorant peasant.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “God plays a lot of jokes on us to get our attention.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “God is a great humorist. He just has a slow audience to work with.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “A person does feel sheepish picking on journalists, a class already so richly despised that if a planeload of them crashed in flames, most people would smile from pure reflex.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Good old Norwegian cooking: you don’t read much about that, or about good old Norwegian hospitality.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Love has the power to rescue us and not let go, otherwise it isn’t love.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “You don’t have to justify a beautiful stroke of good luck. Accept it. Smile and say thank you.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Going to church no more making you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “To Norwegians, the polka is a form of martial art.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I talk in subjects and verbs, and sort of wind around in concentric circles until I get far enough away from the beginning so that I can call it the end, and it ends.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I’ve seen the truth, and it makes no sense.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Cleverness is a burden after that. You are supposed to settle down and be a good person, raise your children, and be good to your friends, which you may not have been back when you were clever.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Liberalism is dead, so dead that Democrats have all become moderate Republicans, and the heavy hand of Big Government is now limp and damp and trembly.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I can write anywhere. I write in airports. I write on airplanes. I’ve written in the back seats of taxis. I write in hotel rooms. I love hotel rooms. I just write wherever I am whenever I need to write.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards and we will go to great lengths to prove it.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Most men are prisoners at best, Who some strong habit every drag about Like chain and ball.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “An interesting thing about New York City is that the subways run through the sewers.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “When NASA started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens don’t work in zero gravity. So they spent twelve million dollars and more than a decade developing a pen that writes under any condition, on almost every surface. The Russians used a pencil.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I feel it’s so hard for young actors; It’s a different world that they’re coming up in; there’s so much money to be made off of their personal lives, and people are bound and determined to make that money.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Republicans are all about Old Glory and school prayer and the sanctity of marriage and the Fatherhood of God but when it comes to actually needing help from them, you shouldn’t get your hopes up. They might send an ambulance or they might just send a Get Well card.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Where I come from, when a Catholic marries a Lutheran it is considered the first step on the road to Minneapolis.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Those people on daytime TV talking about how their parents never gave them the positive feedback they needed and that’s why they shot them- those are not Minnesotans.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “A romp in the hay lingers like the first line of a song, but your true love is the one you make a life with and write more than a line about, you write a whole book.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I have taken so many wrong turns and been so careless with precious things and managed to lose, or break, or leave out in the rain so much that I loved.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I’m of an age when if I started to do eulogies, I’d be doing nothing else. You don’t want to be remembered? I don’t want them to be told to remember me.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I feel like a blind man searching a dark room for a pair of black socks that aren’t there.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I write on a laptop, so it’s impossible to count drafts anymore.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Not everyone has a Life’s Work. Some people simply have a Life.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “When you come to expect humor of people, you will never get it.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Men peak at age nineteen and go downhill.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “To choose Norm Coleman over Walter Mondale is like going to a great steakhouse and ordering the tuna sandwich.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “The mass of men lead lives of shallow happiness; the superior man exults in his gloom.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Some people have a love of their fellow man in their hearts, and others require a light anesthetic.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Your car, comfort though it be, this little den and dining room on wheels, is a prison that deadens your senses, and to feel wholly alive you must go for a walk.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Librarians, Dusty, possess a vast store of politeness. These are people who get asked regularly the dumbest questions on God’s green earth. These people tolerate every kind of crank and eccentric and mouth breather there is.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Ralph Stanley is like an uncle to us and now that all my uncles are gone, Ralph’s singing is even more precious. This album of classic folk songs is one of his best.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “People in cars cause accidents and accidents in cars cause people.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “I don’t associate work with feelings of satisfaction. Rather, guilt, frustration, and resentment of people who write better than I do.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Boys, the first drink is a boon, the second is a gamble, the third is poor judgment, and then the rate of descent gets steep.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “You don’t want to get that sort of sound in your writing that boing that gives you away.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Don’t worry about the past and don’t try to solve the future.”
Garrison Keillor Quote: “Do you think it’s right for Christians to use the names of pagan gods for the days of the week?”
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