Top 30 Funny Wednesday Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Quotes About People

2. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

3. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

4. “Dinosaurs are extinct today because they lacked opposable thumbs and the brainpower to build a space program.”

— Neil deGrasse Tyson

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Space Quotes

5. “If you have enough book space, I don't want to talk to you.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

6. “Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Friday Quotes

7. “The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.”

— Woody Allen

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Study Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

8. “If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

9. “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

— Woody Allen

Also featured in: Funny Quotes

10. “Scientists have calculated that the chances of something so patently absurd actually existing are millions to one. But magicians have calculated that million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Science Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

11. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

12. “It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Preparation Quotes, Humor Quotes

13. “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

14. “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Demotivational Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

15. “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”

— Woody Allen

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Boss Quotes, Marriage Quotes

16. “Geography is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

17. “I’m growing older, but not up.”

— Jimmy Buffett

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

18. “Make love, not war. Unless you’re Loki, in which case: do what you want.”

— Tom Hiddleston

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

19. “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

20. “Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.”

— Garrison Keillor

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Storytelling Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

21. “Of course I’m sane, when trees start talking to me, I don’t talk back.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

22. “How do you know you’re having fun if there’s no one watching you have it?”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Fun Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

23. “I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

— Groucho Marx

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Impossible Quotes

24. “Comedy is acting out optimism.”

— Robin Williams

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

25. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

26. “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Demotivational Quotes

27. “Hope for the Best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We’re unrehearsed.”

— Mel Brooks

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes

28. “I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.”

— Emo Philips

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Short Funny Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

29. “I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one some day.”

— Michael Scott

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Office Quotes, Funny Best Friend Quotes

30. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”

— Charles M. Schulz

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Office Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

31. “I make more mistakes than anyone else I know, and sooner or later, I patent most of them.”

— Thomas A. Edison

Also featured in: Funny Work Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes

32. “Insanity is catching.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Crazy Quotes, Humor Quotes