Top 300 Jenny Lawson Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “When I was in junior high I read a lot of Danielle Steele. So I always assumed that the day I got engaged I’d be naked, covered in rose petals, and sleeping with the brother of the man who’d kidnapped me.”

— Jenny Lawson

52. “I’m pretty sure ‘ferral cats’ is code for ’vampire cougars.”

— Jenny Lawson

53. “I hope one day to be better, and I’m pretty sure I will be. I hope one day I live in a world where the personal fight for mental stability is viewed with pride and public cheers instead of shame. I hope it for you too.”

— Jenny Lawson

54. “We all get our share of tragedy or insanity or drama, but what we do with that horror is what makes all the difference.”

— Jenny Lawson

55. “The problem is that depression is my forever side dish to any period of convalescence and illness, and depression lies. It tells you that you are worthless. That life was never good. That you are a drain on the world and that it will only get worse.”

— Jenny Lawson

56. “Normal is boring. Weird is better. Goats are awesome, but only in small quantities.”

— Jenny Lawson

57. “The Spoon Theory was created by a friend of mine, Christine Miserandino, to explain the limits you have when you live with chronic illness.”

— Jenny Lawson

58. “Personally, I always compare myself to Galileo because everyone knows he’s fantastic, but he has no spoons at all because he’s dead. So technically I’m better than Galileo because all I’ve done is take a shower and already I’ve accomplished more than him today.”

— Jenny Lawson

59. “The hardest thing to write was explaining what anxiety feels like. Every time I’d try to really write about what it feels like to have an anxiety attack, I would actually have an anxiety attack. It was good material but so incredibly uncomfortable.”

— Jenny Lawson

60. “I control it by being painfully honest about just how crazy I am. I control it by allowing myself to hide in bathrooms and under tables during important events. And sometimes I control it by letting it control me, because I have no other choice.”

— Jenny Lawson

61. “When I was young, my family didn’t go on outings to the circus or trips to Disneyland. We couldn’t afford them. Instead, we stayed in our small rural West Texas town, and my parents took us to cemeteries.”

— Jenny Lawson

62. “That night I looked up at those same stars, but I didn’t want any of those things. I didn’t want Egypt, or France, or far-flung destinations. I just wanted to go back to my life from my childhood, just to visit it, and touch it, and to convince myself that yes, it had been real.”

— Jenny Lawson

63. “Call me Ishmael. I won’t answer to it, because it’s not my name.”

— Jenny Lawson

64. “I don’t need Botox,” Laura countered. “I got Bangtox. It’s when you decide to get bangs to cover your forehead wrinkles. It totally works and no one injects poison in your face.” I.”

— Jenny Lawson

65. “Don’t sabotage yourself. There are plenty of other people willing to do that for free.”

— Jenny Lawson

66. “And Then I Got Stabbed in the Face by a Serial Killer.”

— Jenny Lawson

67. “When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive.”

— Jenny Lawson

68. “Don’t compare your insides with someone else’s outsides.”

— Jenny Lawson

69. “I hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle, and as a celebration of the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.”

— Jenny Lawson

70. “Some people we define as trolls are just critics. Sometimes they have a point. And I hear them. But for the ones who comment “I want to kill you in your sleep,” I respond to them too.”

— Jenny Lawson

71. “It was the best of books, it was the worst of hairbrushes. Read it. Don’t tease your hair with it. – CHARLES DICKENS.”

— Jenny Lawson

72. “Even at age 10, I already knew that I was different from most people. My anxiety disorder was still years from being diagnosed, but it affected me quite deeply. I was too afraid to speak out in class, too nervous to make real friends.”

— Jenny Lawson

73. “I prefer things a little soft and fuzzy around the edges. The world always looks nicer when it’s a little blurry – that’s why so many of us have a second glass of wine at dinner.”

— Jenny Lawson

74. “A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they’re the ones who helped you put them there.”

— Jenny Lawson

75. “Then something ran out from the brush and I screamed, “CHUPACABRA!” And then Victor slammed on the brakes and just stared at me like I’d gone insane. Probably because I’d been so flustered that I’d accidentally shouted, “CHALUPA!” which I’ll admit is disconcerting to have someone scream at you while you’re being attacked by a dangerous creature.”

— Jenny Lawson

76. “As always when we bought a new home, Victor asked the questions about deed restrictions and taxes, while I asked the two questions I was always responsible for: “Has anyone ever died in the house?” and “How many bodies are buried on the property?”

— Jenny Lawson

77. “Sometimes stunned silence is better than applause.”

— Jenny Lawson

78. “There is something wonderful in accepting someone else’s flaws especially when it gives you the chance to accept your own and see that those flaws are the things that make us human.”

— Jenny Lawson

79. “In other words, stop judging yourself against shiny people. Avoid the shiny people. The shiny people are a lie.”

— Jenny Lawson

80. “In fact almost everyone in my yearbook wrote the same thing to me: “To weird girl, you’re nice.” I didn’t think it was bad. When I showed my mother she said, “Everyone is different.” Being weird became my tool. I’m weird; that’s who I am. It was my coping badge.”

— Jenny Lawson

81. “When you’re really crazy you don’t question it. Being aware of my behaviors stops them. Sure, a lot of people pick their cuticles, but how many people cut big parts of their skin off? It’s unfair because I have been judged.”

— Jenny Lawson

82. “Benedict Cumberbatch is like Alan Rickman Benjamin Buttoning.”

— Jenny Lawson

83. “I picked up the phone to call the police, but then I considered how it would sound when I told them that I was calling from inside my bathroom, where I’d OD’ed on laxatives, and that a possible rapist was quietly passing me notes under the bathroom door.”

— Jenny Lawson

84. “Once, we came home to find Rambo in the sink, washing a tiny sliver of soap that had been a new bath-size bar that morning. He looked exhausted, and like he wanted someone to stop him and put him to bed, but when we tried to take away the last bit of soap he growled at us, and so we let him finish, because at that point I guess it was like a vendetta, if raccoons had vendettas.”

— Jenny Lawson

85. “I want my pockets to be like a TARDIS, or Mary Poppins’s carpetbag. Also, why did Mary Poppins even need such a huge bag if it’s magically designed to fit everything? Seriously. I’m guessing that Mary asked for a magic pocket and the wizards were like, “What, like a dude? Nah. I don’t think so, lady. You’ll get a purse.”

— Jenny Lawson

86. “If everything is perfect and I’m miserable, then is this as good as it gets? And the answer is no. It gets better. You get better.”

— Jenny Lawson

87. “Dear Victor: I’ve poisoned something in the fridge. Good luck with that.”

— Jenny Lawson

88. “Everything in this book is mostly true but some details have been changed to protect the guilty. I know it’s usually about “protecting the innocent” but why would they need protection? They’re innocent. And they’re also not nearly as fun to write about as the guilty, who always have more fascinating stories and who make you feel better about yourself by comparison.”

— Jenny Lawson

89. “It’s funny because the most sane women I’ve ever met are my mom and my grandmothers. I think you have to be incredibly sane and self-aware to function in relatively insane environments.”

— Jenny Lawson

90. “Last year CNN brought me on live TV to discuss a proposal to create “kid-free planes,” and I explained if we were really going to start segregating passengers I’d prefer to ride in an “a-hole-free plane” because babies almost never ask you to join the Mile-High Club, or clip their toenails while in flight, or do any of a plethora of horrible things I’ve witnessed from others.”

— Jenny Lawson

91. “For a brief moment I thought that Stanley the Magical Squirrel had been alive up until only seconds before, when my father had chosen to give him some sort of bizarre colorectal exam gone horribly wrong. Then I realized that this was, more likely, a squirrel my father had found dead on the road, and that he had sliced it open and decided to use it as some sort of grotesque hand puppet culled from the very bowels of hell. Lisa.”

— Jenny Lawson

92. “I assume this must be quite confusing for people whom I’ve communicated with only via e-mail and texts, since I can actually come across as reasonably witty and coherent in e-mail, because I have time to think about what a normal, filtered, mentally stable adult would write before I press “Send.” This is why I prefer to talk to people only electronically.”

— Jenny Lawson

93. “I can feel other people’s emotions. Their life force, maybe? Something. It’s uncomfortable but in a way that’s hard to define.”

— Jenny Lawson

94. “Don’t make the same mistakes that everyone else makes. Make wonderful mistakes. Make the kind of mistakes that make people so shocked that they have no other choice but to be a little impressed.”

— Jenny Lawson

95. “Like it says in the Bible, being a friend means never having to witness farting belly buttons. Or something. I might be misremembering.”

— Jenny Lawson

96. “Comparison is the death of joy.”

— Jenny Lawson

97. “The next two weeks of class focused on cooking and I used my flour baby to make a pineapple upside-down cake. My baby was delicious.”

— Jenny Lawson

98. “Then I realized that Victor and Maury were staring at me and that they’d asked me a question about the will but I couldn’t remember what it was so I just said, “When I die I’d like all my stuff to be left to my cat.”

— Jenny Lawson

99. “I’m made from a lot of unfulfilled arson. And.”

— Jenny Lawson

100. “Also, I can’t stop pronouncing the ‘p’ in ‘hamster.’” “There is no ‘p’ in ‘hamster.’” “Well, obviously you’ve never squeezed one hard enough. There’s tons of pee in them.”

— Jenny Lawson